I Need Help! Please!!! Sorry Really Long...

[theotherhalf]

Had a backslide big time today. I came home from work and H was here working on combine. I went straight to house. I figured I'd stay hidden as didn't go well with him last night. After awhile H came in. Looked "clouded" but seemed to be okay. Talked with D a little and me. Made a couple statements that led me to believe that his mind has not changed at all. Talked of selling bull in fall with everything else. I said nothhing. Said might go out ot Omaha to work with his brother. I said nothing.D left to go to work and H got up to leave. I pretty much let him have it.

I said "so what your telling me here is that your days around here are pretty numbered?" "yea, probably, if the plant (his work) closes...blah blan". I said "Well don't you think you should be spending time with D if your leaving her?" He says, " I try, and they can come to my place anytime." I told him that he needs to ask and that they are pissed and hurt and he's never even gave them an explanation...He turned around to leave and I said, "ya keep on running big man, and when it's all gone you'll have no one to blame but yourself"

He left very quietly.

I'm glad I said it, but know that he didn't "hear" me. Also I regretted it because I knew the risk of pushing him. So, later I called and was going to leave a message but he answered. I just said, meant what I said but I didn't have to be such a b***h about it and I'm sorry. He said okay, I said okay, bye.

Later in evening I was so bored and frustrated so got around and went to town. Nothing going on so "what the hell", Iwent to see if H was home. He'd just gotten there. I rolled down my window and asked "what ya doing?" he said he just got home. I sat there waiting to see if he'd invite me in or tell me to go. He did neither. Just unlocked door and went in. I thought do I or don't I. Well I did.

Talked, laughed, watched TV, and ended up spending the night again. Even got him to "kiss" me a little. (That's an issue with me,dumb but, I know that when he doesn't "kiss" me he is not there.)

This is such a weird sitch. I am starting to think that maybe he is not seeing OW either. Last night he had his phone out in the open and it was on. No calls. I didn't look to see if there were any recent calls to her. There are still a couple things that make me think maybe is but I have no idea and there is nothing I can do about it so trying to let it go.

I know that most would probably not agree with the way I am handling my sitch. And probably you may be right. But I don't know how else to do this. I feel if I completely "distance" or go "dark". He will just accept and go on. He's too much of a go with the flo kind of guy. I don't know if he was faced with having to fight for me that he would. I also believe that a lot of our problems in the marriage is him feeling left out, unimportant, taken advantage of, neglected. Lack of me taking the initiative for sex was a big issue also. So I can't get rid of the thought that maybe I need to show him just how important he is to me. That I am willing to fight for him. That I have changed in alot of ways.

Hell I don't know, maybe I am just fooling myself. Maybe I am just alowing him to "play the game". To string me along, to "cake eat". I really don't know.

All I know is that I want this man in my life and I have to do something.