I was so exhausted this afternoon, I just had to go back to my hooch and grab a nap. The pace here is blistering but the activity is energizing. As I lay on my rack, half way between sleep and being awake, I thought of some things that I just want to put out there.
Since we spearated in September 06, there has been no discussion of any kind regarding our M. It's still 9 months until I can leave Iraq, and I've already been gone for 9.
How do I ever bring up asking her what her intentions are?
She told me in December of 2005, after an unsuccessful Retrouville (She sat with her arms crossed, looking like she hated the world): "She would not file, but would instead wait until we WERE BOTH IN THE SAME PLACE. That of course, meant "until I was ready to divorce her as well"
Over the next three months, she was miserable and horrible to me, despite my trying to do everything to please her. She would just leave the house when she and D17 would argue, which ofetn turned violent and go to her mother's grave and sit for hours smoking....which she had quit when she met me (even began running and winning races). She would say that I wasn't taking a strong enough stand with D17, but anything I di was wrong, too tough, too lenient.......whatever. In March of 06, many of you may remember I slowly unravelled, and I tried to check out with medication. I have never been so low in my life..awful....she then agreed to try and work on M. but I didn't improve in stability according to her timetable, and we separated in September.
It seems to me that she wants this to be a "joint decision" probably so that the kids will not continue to blame her for this whole separation, possible divorce....the kids know only she wants this, and I never tell them differently.
I don't think I can ever agree to a D., but when I go home, I'm susceptible to her awful treatment again. She was absolutely hideous (look up some of the stuff around Christmas last year on my former threads)
While her behavior may be hideous, I don't want to "be in the same place as her" EVER, for a variety of reasons, but especially because I don't think kids are resiliant, and I don't want mine to be without a family, and oh yeah, I made a commitment.
I still have a long 9 months to go, and in these situations, sometimes time and distance can heal, but I don't ever want to made to feel guilty because I don't want to agree to a D., but her behavior, if the same, is almost as damaging.
She doesn't want to be the "bad guy" in the kid's eyes, and I will never tell them that I want a D. She wants me to sign on for her plan, but I won't.
I just say to them (the 15 and 16 year old) "I was not the husband to your mom I should have been",(Advice from COG) but I will never ever say I wanted a D. On the other hand, it's almost like I'm forcing her to stay married? Does that make sense?
Any thoughts on where to go if (when!) I return to this same behavior?
