Nomopo's Funk? Is that what this is?

[Not Much Left]

Investment Banker???
Oil & Gas CEO???
CVA??

Nope, just NOMO!

[Nomopo]

I'm not sure I can keep up this re-living of my glory days. I'm pooped. I think its because now, instead p d cutting classes and napping to catch up, I have to work, and go to Cub Scouts, and soccer games, etc. Guess I just might have to settle into the arms of a good woman.

Nomo

[Not Much Left]

that's funny!!!

[waw1978]

Nomo I hope you find that good woman. I think you deserve it after all you have been through

[PMA_Baby!]

Hey Nomo. I wish I had known you were coming to Chicago. We could have met up. Next time then. Hopefully, I will see you all in Feb on the slopes After the Holidays I know I will be ready for a vacay.

Broke

[Nomopo]

Hi everyone. Well, I am sure I have missed responding to some of you. I just have so little energy left to spend on these boards, and find my own sitch/thread unappealing. But, I wanted to respond to some of the posts of the last few days/weeks.

Hi S74. Good to hear from my old friend.

Nomo:

Hi I have been lurking and reading here for months just not posting about my sitch in case you were wondering. But I had to come out of my hiding because I have a few things to say. It has come quite clear to me that you have let your wife and your marriage go (ok I know guys I'm stating the obvious here)(good for you by the way) with that said your wife hasn't clearly let you go. And I feel that's just down right selfish. And I think if this were me I be down right pissed off. I mean come on she worried about her image. This is your life here that she is playing with. You have every right to go on with your life and date publicly if you want. Screw her and let her deal with the consequences that she created. I'm tired of her excuses for holding you hostage. I mean come on I hope your not bying this BS about you trashing her and ruining her career because we all know on this board that you are going to be fair with her...there are the kids to think about and I know and everyone else knows how much you love those kids, so your not going to do any of that to her. It just seems like its her way of controlling you and the sitch.

Yes, I agree that even now her actions are selfish, and self focused, and she is still trying to control me. In our R, she could always exert control over me by getting upset and expressing her displeasure, and then knowing that I would come around to do whatever I had to do to keep her from being mad.

In a sense it feels like that your both beating around the bush here. Come clean tell her your dating and tell her that your not hiding it anymore and tell her you want a divorce if that is what you want.

I've pretty much done this, other than to say and I am going public on my own without trying to find some amicable resolution on that issue. I haven't told her that "I want" a divorce, cause deep down i still don't, but I have let go and accepted this is almost certainly where we are headed and that if she wants to go file I am fine with that. She hasn't and probably won't in the next year (if ever). I think she would very much prefer for me to do it or for us to do it.

Tell her that your tired of waiting on her and that you want to get the ball rolling.

Done. Again, just last night. She knows.

So I ask you this question Nomo when is your enough?

Tough to say. But for the kids, I think it'd be enough. Right now, I am dealing with the things I find unacceptable - living arrangements, finances, dating, publicity. I don't see/feel/have a need to go file . . . yet. So I haven't.

Your a great guy! You deserve all the happiness in the world. I guess thats all I'm really saying here.

Awwww. Thanks! ((((S74))))

I just want you to be able to pursue whom ever you want to pursue and not give a second thought to her and her image...and to be able to kiss your date in broad daylight...

Well, I am pursuing whomever I want and have done LOTS ( ) of broad daylight kissing (more action in the last three weeks than the last three years!!!), but I still am giving W some second thoughts. Just this morning I got sad thinking about the end of our family of four, and dividing up our asseets, etc.

Thanks Sunshine74!!! I hope you are well.

Hi Puddle and BirdDog. Thanks for checking in. Yes, BirdDog, I also see it as a new beginning. But, while we deal with making this almost certain D a reality, there are sure to be plenty of sad and painful moments. Just last night W and I were discussing some of the changes we need to be considering/making, and she started to well up at the end (and then I did too). She said, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry we're in such a mess." I didn't have much to say to this, but my mind was racing. After a minute or two, with both of us fighthing back tears, I simply said "this is not how I saw things unfolding." It was all I could think of really. Earlier in the conversation, when I had asked if she had been thinking about these logistical detials of moving towards a D, she told me: "No, not really. Like I said, I just take it day-to-day because it is too hard, sad and painful for me otherwise." I can only imagine that trying to work on our issues must be even more painful, sad and hard for her. Wow. Trying to wrap my brain around that one.

On detaching . . . being lucky enough to find someone quickly who I am attracted to, and like being with, and who is attracted to me, affectionate, complimentary, fun, caring, etc. makes it a whole lot easier. Her divorce was final 18 months ago, so she knows how hard this is and she has been really really really supportive.

Hi T!

Two JC sessions ago I said if W was still not willing to work on the M, that we needed to re-visit the "terms" of our separation. She still isn't willing.

Maybe this is a stupid question, but I'm going to ask it anyway .. if you're not working on the marriage in JC, what are you working on?

Her stated reasons are (1) so we can communicate better and (2) co-parent to the best of our ability. I think you could also add try to repair some of the hurt feelings so we can truly forgive and become friends again. And I guess I think that she really has given up on this M, but doesn't know how to end it or doesn't have the balls to end it, so she is happy to just stall and buy time until I finally do (and going to these JC sessions is a way to do that.

Also, could there be other reasons for her not wanting to go public with the s, like maybe she's not really sure that this is what she wants? Has she brought up D?

I don't see that she's not really sure. I have given her multiple, easy opportunties to say anything to leave a slight, subtle opening for reconciliation, and she has steadfastly refused to go there. Just last night, after she says she hasn't been delaing with any of these issues like me getting my own apartment because it's just too painful, I said "well, it's going to be painful still in a year or two, and if that's all that's holding us back, I'd rather just get out of limbo. But if you told me that you were still thinking things over, or just weren't sure, or that you needed more time, that would be different." She didn't budge. She seems very clear and concerted about not saying anything to suggest there is any hope.

She has not mentioned D though. I think she is hoping I will make that joint. I might.

Hi cliffy.

I agree with na. What is it that you want out of mc? Instant gratification? She still seems pretty conflicted, this is a good thing, no?

No, I didn't/don't want instant gratification. But we hit a wall in therapy that we couldn't get past unless she was "willing to work on the M," and she could never say that and was always quick to say the opposite. I think the most likely truth is that she is done, but doesn't have the guts to just end it. Sad, but I think she could go through this limbo for years if I'd let her, and I've already struggled with this sexless, loveless M/R for 2.5 years. Another 2 years of limbo plus the time after that it would take to reconcile or D is a VERY BIG PRICE to pay. Maybe bigger than just letting go and moving on with what I can control - me and my life.

Thanks for all the well wishes CVA, Kelley, WAW, GD, BM07 and everyone else.

So, to recap, here is where I see my sitch. My W and I are still separated with me in the house every other week and at my folks on the off weeks. We still have some JC sessions we are going to and also see the C for some IC occassionally. We also see the Cp from time to time. W is still unwilling to work on the M, and really just seems to take it day-to-day.

Thus, I have started dating around, and have met one lady I am particularly fond of, and we are "connecting" in a big way and rather quickly. (I know, I know . . . rebound anyone? Maybe, but I feel like my eyes are pretty open too.) W knows I am dating, and that I don't wear my ring much. (She still wears hers, by the way, but I think that's a publicity issue. She doesn't want to be seen a s a failure. So why not try????) We are also moving towards me getting an apartment, and her staying in the house. I'd get the kids 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends, and some week nights. We are trying to find common ground on going public with our S. We are making some changes financially, but basically splitting things 50-50. Neither of us plans to rush out to file for D. If that happens, I put it at about a year (maybe YE2008).

Basically, I feel like my M is almost certainly headed for a D. If an opportunity for a menaningful attempt at reconciliation arose, I think I would take it. But it's not as easy of a choice as it used to be. I don't feel like I am DBing much. I feel like I am trying to focus on me, what I want in all scenarios, what I need, what my kids need, and going for it. I guess that really is DBing - stop the chase and focus on yourself. But I don't really experiment and monitor results anymore. The systematic search for solutions is tough when the other person seems to be absolutely sleepwalking, only to wake up everyone once in a while to resist. I probably ought to re-read DR and also read Homer when I have more energy, but I haven't so far.

Any and all feedback welcomed! Thanks for all the support.

Nomo

PS - sorry for any typos. Too burned out to proof.

[Heimlich]

Dude,
You went from "funk" to "funky" in a single thread. Congrats

According to Homer, right about now is when your W will wake up, if ever (I was skimming that one yesterday).

BD

[Nomopo]

According to Homer, right about now is when your W will wake up, if ever (I was skimming that one yesterday).

I've heard that from several people - including Sunny. Guess it could happen, but I really do not see it.

Good to hear from you BD!

[NDDT]

Nomo........hey bud. Long time no see....hope life is treating you well. I am hanging in there. Take care bro!

G

[SuperDad]

Basically, I feel like my M is almost certainly headed for a D. If an opportunity for a meaningful attempt at reconciliation arose, I think I would take it. But it's not as easy of a choice as it used to be.

Nomo,
Remember August at dinner in Orlando, how everyone laughed at how done I was, well you have lapped me, my friend! I'm still not dating, so you win the fastest turnaround award.

I even am hoping that W does not decide that she wants to work on the R as I am totally over her and am only here because of the stupid no-fault laws and the kids.

The systematic search for solutions is tough when the other person seems to be absolutely sleepwalking, only to wake up everyone once in a while to resist.

Yup, not effective either. Just live your life and you will be great.

By the way, Kansas St.??? In Austin??? How does this happen!? I did not see the game (was at UCF game), but if their play calling was similar to the game here, it is no surprise that they lost.

SD