There and Back, #7

[Reincarnated]

I have to get to any convo at all; that is not in the plans right now. I think I have to be far away from normal for a while.

[mkultra]

Yeah, Morgan is my hero.

[LL44]

mk! Yes! Sometimes I am too bitter to 'fake' a normal conversation. Its sooo hard.

[nephartiti]

Exactly! It is so hard to talk normally when all you want to do is scream "Stop all this craziness, you imbecile!" sigh

I noticed that my H is a acting As If with me too. All this acting, then he calls OW and stabs me in the back... again. I will say that the more I do it, the easier it is. You start to really detach. I was really nervous before H got here, but then I just did what I had decided to do -- not let him bait me. I guess it helped that he was doing the same and trying to be pleasant.

Morgan, you always amaze me because, although you get PO'd at times, you are always able to say enough is enough. Then you get on with your day, determined to be positive. I wish I could do that. I feel like I dwell on all the negative all the time.

[SallyM]

you all act like its a good thing to have these convesations...these moments of normalness. they aren't good. they aren't. I'm not saying the anger and bitterness are good, but the normalness is hurtful in the end because in the end, he's with her, and I'm alone and feeling a false sense of closeness to him. I think the normalness will be good years from now, but do you think that now, do you really think any of this will change things between H and I?

thanks for the kind words. just don't think I much deserve them. yes, I can vent and then move on, concentrate on the good and such. but keep in mind, I've been doing this for a few months longer than you have, neph. time does help with stuff like this. it does. there will come a point when you will say to yourself, enough. enough. you can't let them change who you are, unless they are changes you want to make. you can succumb to the crap every once in a while, get sucked under the waves of self-doubt/self-pity/anger/disgust, but you have to figure out how to kick to the surface again. and actually, I think we all do it pretty well, considering.

I'm doing okay tonight. just kind of in a weird place. have really gotten used to not having H in bed with me. that makes me, well, sad. but overall I'm okay. not dwelling too much on them and the reunion they are no doubt having.

the kids and I ended up running a ton of errands today. ended up trekking to the new nordstrom that just opened. they actually gutted the whole mall that it is in, and its like walking into a place I've never seen before. really weird. but the nordstrom, well, oh for a bucket full of disposable income! I could do some damage. not the biggest one I've been in, but nice, and the staff was just like nordstrom staff I knew and loved years ago. I drooled a bit here and there, replenished some bobbi brown stuff, and promised I'd come back someday sans kids.

tomorrow h is coming in the morning to spend time with the kids. he'll take them to his moms tomorrow afternoon, but first S5 and I are heading to a b-day party. need to make sure I clear out all my computer histories and hide my journals in case he feels like snooping. he's never struck me as a snooper...but never was I. and I've caught him checking the phone's caller id history a few times now, so never know.

not trying to figure out his mind anymore. I'm not. because he doesn't make sense to me. just when I think I have a handle on his motivations and direction in life, things like the stupid coffee pot happen and I get all thrown off again.

[LL44]

hi morgan. Yes, the conversations that are normal do cut deep sometimes, because although we don't know what they are thinking about these talks, but we know we are thinking "Sigh, this is good" or "Step in the right direction". Only to have them leave again. Tonight was an occasion. H got home as I was putting down out for the girls. They ended up playing SO well together (call Guiness!) and H and I stayed at the table and talked about light stuff. I went to go running and boom, I come home and he is off to go out and to his dad's. What was I thinking? See, that is probably why I cornered him to talk because I was thrown off and needed answers.

I was fine with H being gone last week and oddly fine again tonight. That is sad too, isn't it? I know what you mean, here you are, deep into a separation, and while you are getting through day by day (and feeling pretty good most of the time), its like, where does this lead? And like you said awhile back "I'm not ready I'm not ready". That's so true.

I am rambling, but wanted you to know I was thinking about you.

[mkultra]

You are absolutely right about those convos , Morgan. There was a time I was acting as if my butt off and I have all this photographic evidence of our normal times together over the summer. Happy pictures of a family, yeah right. The affair began at least in spring so far. Sooo all those happy or normal family times were spent with OW and I was trying to save my marriage by being light. I am glad I did it though. I always get, "Wow, you are handling this so well." It is the Acting As If. People respond so much better to me this way.

[Reincarnated]

I agree--I think I have worn out the desperate Donna with my friends and family--its like there is an unspoken timeline that someone should grieve, and then they are all "Just get over it already!" We have only been separated since mid July, and I am already expected to have moved on.

But you know what? It is getting closer. And I'm not as scared of it as I was. I think, maybe, that it has been over before I even got started, but I still had to go through my own grief process.

When someone dies, there is the ritual to help those left behind. This, this is so ambiguous....I had one of my "hard" friends ask me, What would you have done if he died?

I don't think it would have hurt this bad for this long...there is a finality to death that is easier to accept, I think.

So, I am trying to approach this as, the man who I knew and loved has died--he is no longer here, as the changes in him have made him unknown to me. I grieve for the husband I had. Taking it from there.

[SallyM]

was going thru some old boxes of stuff and came across a framed poem that one of my best friends gave me after the breakup with my college boyfriend. hadn't thought of it in a while, wanted to share it.


After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and that you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
with every goodbye you learn...


Veronica A. Shoffstall

[SallyM]

now that the hokey poem of the day is over, hope everyone has a good weekend planned!

H is supposed to come over this morning, have yet to hear from him. I could think that its because he and ow had such a late/long/hot/exhausting night, but why bother? he'll get here when he gets here.

S5 has a b-day party this afternoon, then H is taking all the kids up to his mom's house, so I have the night off. actually looking forward to it...I need a bit of a break.