There and Back, #7

[SallyM]

you all act like its a good thing to have these convesations...these moments of normalness. they aren't good. they aren't. I'm not saying the anger and bitterness are good, but the normalness is hurtful in the end because in the end, he's with her, and I'm alone and feeling a false sense of closeness to him. I think the normalness will be good years from now, but do you think that now, do you really think any of this will change things between H and I?

thanks for the kind words. just don't think I much deserve them. yes, I can vent and then move on, concentrate on the good and such. but keep in mind, I've been doing this for a few months longer than you have, neph. time does help with stuff like this. it does. there will come a point when you will say to yourself, enough. enough. you can't let them change who you are, unless they are changes you want to make. you can succumb to the crap every once in a while, get sucked under the waves of self-doubt/self-pity/anger/disgust, but you have to figure out how to kick to the surface again. and actually, I think we all do it pretty well, considering.

I'm doing okay tonight. just kind of in a weird place. have really gotten used to not having H in bed with me. that makes me, well, sad. but overall I'm okay. not dwelling too much on them and the reunion they are no doubt having.

the kids and I ended up running a ton of errands today. ended up trekking to the new nordstrom that just opened. they actually gutted the whole mall that it is in, and its like walking into a place I've never seen before. really weird. but the nordstrom, well, oh for a bucket full of disposable income! I could do some damage. not the biggest one I've been in, but nice, and the staff was just like nordstrom staff I knew and loved years ago. I drooled a bit here and there, replenished some bobbi brown stuff, and promised I'd come back someday sans kids.

tomorrow h is coming in the morning to spend time with the kids. he'll take them to his moms tomorrow afternoon, but first S5 and I are heading to a b-day party. need to make sure I clear out all my computer histories and hide my journals in case he feels like snooping. he's never struck me as a snooper...but never was I. and I've caught him checking the phone's caller id history a few times now, so never know.

not trying to figure out his mind anymore. I'm not. because he doesn't make sense to me. just when I think I have a handle on his motivations and direction in life, things like the stupid coffee pot happen and I get all thrown off again.