I feel a lot better today – I just needed to get it all out.
I need to move forward but feel I am stuck, I know I am making myself stuck and that by me calling for divorce and selling house is only my need to cause him hurt. Is it really going to give me relief – temporarily yes – but not for long. But I feel while we are tied together financially I will never be totally free and to move on.
Also it feels like he just wants to pause the M and have a little fun then come back and pick up where we left off. But how do you pause a M you are either in or you are out.
Very very frustrating to be in this situation. I think the best thing is for me to go totally dark as you are right what I am doing is not working.
I guess he needs to do what he needs to do but him parading OW around he is just making a fool out of him self with our friends and family.
Another big issue for us is kids, we need to do IVF to have children and he has told me he will not go down that route again – so maybe he is doing me a favour and for me to move on and meet someone and have that family. But as I have learnt there are no guarantees in life. So I guess I need to start doing things for me and really figure out what I want – not sure on the family sometimes yes and at others it is not a massive yearning.
I just need to get through the grieving process which some days just hurts so badly, but I don’t know what hurts more my heart or my pride. But I just miss him so much at times.
I just want off this roller coaster, my counselor is wanting me to push him for a final decision in or out, sometimes this is what I want to get some closure but then what if I am wrong and he wants to come back and I am not sure, what if he says ok I want out and that is not what I really want.
I need more time myself but how do I stop the hurt. I can’t even have a conversation with him without getting all emotional. But I can also say that I have held my pride with everyone else as much as would have liked to let rip on her and him with everyone I have not done that – only my immediatle family have seen the real pain and even then they are amased how well I am doing. I wish there was a switch in my heart and head that I could just turn off. I know time is the only thing.
He sent this email to my SIL and kids 3 days ago - its like he is always sucking me in and not taking responsibility for what he is doing.
Yes, it is a difficult time for all of us but unfortunately life moves on and sometimes it is better to have a break and re-evaluate rather than try to push through in a difficult situation. I hope that C and I will always be friends at the very least and I do hope I can still be part of your family as there is a lot of history that we have which I value.
Some things I am still working through
Why do I want to finalise everything – to hurt him or give me closure
Why can’t I move past the look what he has done to me stage
What is my fear – being alone and starting again
What do I want to be doing a 1 year from now or 5 from now
If we got back together why would it work 2nd time round.
Everyone is telling to move on sell up and get out and start again, and why would I want someone who has treated me like this and how could I forgive him
I have so many unanswered questions that I need to ask him but I guess there are some things I will never know
Why is he doing this - I would love him to share with me what he is thinking
