If this woman is like the Glenn Close character, she will not be able to force affections from him. I think he honestly stated what he is finally seeing. What he is truly missing is adult affections for someone who can return the same.
She may try to make their R a drama mini series. He already told you that is no longer his idea of a R. Unfortunately for her, he just ended a long lasting M. It will be much easier for him to end a brief A. It may be a lot uglier, but that will only work in your favor. It will reinforce to him what was wrong in his life, and what was right. Be the friend, not the judge. He will render his own verdict well, once he has had his quiet time to reflect.
No one can promise what will happen next. But I do think he will make better decisions for himself. You will have to do the same for yourself. Take all the time you need whenever presented a fork in the road. Best wishes.
Actually, was, what all his blather tells me is that he can't live with himself. This is a man who needs to look in the mirror. So far, he is looking for the next pacifier. He is totally clueless.
I agree with the other posters here. I too think that he really has to prove himself and I believe that you are in a place in your life that you know what to do. Your h needs to spend time with your h for a while and figure things out. It sounds like that is what he is planning so see what happens.
What an emotional time. First, I hope you get some rest tonight and this weekend. Stay in, take some walks, eat well, sleep and take care of yourself.
Also, looks like your H is in for some drama soon, if he really is kicking out the OW (as he has said many times over when he gets to the "I can't take my life anymore" point). Don't let him take out the emotional toll of the drama on you. By that I mean: it's wonderful you are his friend, but know your boundaries and don't let it affect your health or emotional state. Let him sort his own drama to himself. If he really means he wants to be alone to sort it out, that means solving your own problems and turning to others for support, not a crutch. And, after all that he has done to you, it's wonderful you both have a great friendship, but he has to realize some respect and know that you can't be holding him up with his OW breakup or sorting his life out.
I agree that actions speak louder than words ever do. Keep that close to your heart.
I hope you know that I love you dearly, and don't mean any of this to sound as if I don't like the current events or am putting a damper on it. Your H and mine are so the same in their extreme actions and nature, and IMP is right for the 2 of them....they need a shrink, maybe meds...not just some "alone time and getting rid of OW" But those are valiant and good starts. Bravo to him for that alone.
I do think your H is sincere in what he says. Sometimes, when you're weak in life, it's hard to back it up with actions. It doesn't mean the words mean nothing, it just means they can't take the action for whatever reason.
However, I do see one trend he has in his conversations.....and it's one they all get sucked into, and it's human nature. I see a lot of his "clean up" in life still finger pointing. He wants to get rid of OW, change the locks and lots of talk about how she is not right. All true, but still looking outside for the solutions. I sincerely think that when he does get rid of OW, it will push him deeper down....when he is all that is left.
Sooner or later, he will come to a point where he points to himself and asks "how did I get here....what in ME got me here...." We all know there are a million Glenn Close Bunny Boilers in the world.....but H had something going on to get him there.
I hope he comes to this one day, for his own sake. And, you are wonderful to be his friend and still know your limits and have a clear view of his slow exit.
Truly, I am so happy for your recent interactions. At the very least, I am thrilled that you, someone I adore, are finally hearing "you are great Val, I made a mistake, and you are wonderful" from a person who hurt you so badly and made you feel terrible.
Val, This is a good step for him. He is at a place where he knows what he wants.
Now, I can tell you from experience that knowing what he wants and actually getting there are two different things. Your H still has a long way to go, but there is hope.
Just stay calm and stead. Be his rock, but don't get sucked in. Take it SLOW with him. He's fragile right now.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Thanks to everyone for your wonderful support and good advice.
I've been tired all day from staying on the phone with H last night. By the way, it wasn't a constant conversation all night. H was on his cell phone and hit several "dead spots" along the way; he'd wait a half-hour or so and call back. Nonetheless, it made for a long night. I know I said I would be his friend when he needed to talk, but .. I can't handle these late night calls.
AH, I wasn't kidding about the OW being a Fatal Attraction. If you remember my early threads, she tried (and also threatened) suicide many times, bombarded H with calls and TMs, wormed her way into H's family; in other words, she did her best Glenn Close "Bunny Boiler" imitation. She was indirectly the cause for H being charged with a felony; he is currently on probation for two years.
As for Imp's question about what I was thinking two hours into the call:
Up until recently, H has been secretive and tight-lipped. Getting him to admit to anything was a struggle. Last night he was just the opposite - he opened up about everything. I didn't ask any questions; he volunteered all information. He wanted (needed?) to talk and he didn't sugar-coat anything. So I guess my answer would be, I was shocked at the abrupt about-face. A lot of my questions were answered.
H is still very much on his roller coaster ride. He needs to complete it by himself, but I don't know if he is strong enough to be alone for long. I did my time on that ride and don't have any desire to get back on. Even his call last night wore me out.. too much drama .. and I'm getting used to peace in my life again.
Val, If you can keep the peace in your life, but still be there for him, that would be great. But don't sacrifice your peace for him. It's a slippery slope... I'm on it all the time. But one I think you can manage.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
