Thank God for small sweetness and big decisions.....
I was up at night a lot this week....the cute insomniac horse that lives with us has his corral right behind my bedroom window, and he's up kicking all night long.
Good, in a way, b/c I woke up and stared at the moon, which was so bright in my room anyway. I realized what gorgeous skies we have here, with such little light and other pollution....so for the first time in my life, I saw the 'man on the moon' I saw his face so clearly, like a president on a coin, it was amazing.
I drove early to work, in the dark and saw the moon over the mesas and Shiprock where I live. It was so beautiful to see the desert bathed in moonlight. It was so beautiful to watch the sun rise with different colors on the horizon.
I had a field training and had to drive through the mountains and to a community near one of the most beautiful canyons in the area - Canyon de Chelley - a National Park. The mountains were beautiful - the roads windy and air pine scented...listening to Pink Floyd and watching the morning come to life.
After my training, I went to the Canyon to hike around (in a skirt and clogs - bad choice) and went to my favorite part - the Ruins. It was beautiful, to see it down below in a canyon so wide that families still farm in the canyon floor, and graze their sheep. Daily living right beside ancient ruins, all coexisting with grace and respect.
It's a sacred place for people here, so I said a prayer....for my life to start anew. For me to let go of pain and anger and sadness, and embrace all the good things ahead. For me to see that I deserve the best in life and that I can have it and give it as well. To live passionately and well. To never harm another, and always live by the values I was taught.
I made a decision.....that in 12 weeks, I will move from here. It has been a wonderous part of my life, magical in many ways, but it is slowly becoming toxic to live in the same place where life has fallen apart. I live and work in the same place as H, his multiple affairs were (and still are) all with people who are right in the same building. I walk into work and EVERYONE knows my story, it's like the brand. I know I have nothing to be ashamed of, but I also feel that I have so much more I could give and need to have this heavy load away from me. I want change. I want to live again, fully. I want to be away from this mess. It's not running away, just being healthy.
I always thought I would leave after a D....a clean slate....but with new paperwork, and H wanting a trial (that I hope will not be granted) this is stretching into 2008, and I just can't stay for that. I am done letting this whole thing stop my life, and it's nobody's fault but mine. I want to move forward and put the whole D resolution on the back burner of life, the bottom of the pole. It deserves as much time and energy as it's worth in life - very little. I will move forward now, and other things will sort themselves out.
I feel good about all this. I really feel happy a lot of the time. I'm doing pretty dang good these days. It feels good to just let go, and for the first time, not want this at all. I find myself so preoccupied with my future and all that I want in it. I remember for so long not being able to see 2 days ahead into the future, and not being able to dream for myself. Now I feel a wall has been lifted and that's all I can see, and I want to step past this D so fast.
I hope this doesn't sound negative. I know so many folks here standing for their M, and I support and encourage that. I am in a different place now b/c I have to be, b/c I tried and it didn't work.....and it's been too long to feel sad and down about this anymore.
