Hi Mark, frank_D asked for me to stop by and read.
First off, you have had a real ride these past few months. There is little I can say that will ease your hurt other than I have been there and it does get better.
You are hurt right now and you have lost much. Hurt and loss equals anger and anxeity. Those are good emotions that you should embrace.
As you continue on your journey and absorb what frank_D has shared you will realize that anger and anxiety are best met with assertiveness and courage. Right now you are stuck in aggression about the OM and and feeling low about you.
That is okay. Let those emotion run. But as Frank likes to say it is also time to *man up*.
And you will - I read it in your posts.
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I am angry with myself for being so weak with her.
You are not weak Mark, you just have holes in your boundary. First, concentrate on that boundary. Identify those things which define you as a man and make those non-negotiable. Defining your boundary means you will know when to call her on it and you will know when not to. And when you choose not to you will not feel weak, but strong.
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I want to do the right thing for her and my kids because of this mess.
Doing the right thing in an honorable way is called courage. Courage means that you are moving forward. YOU did not cause your financial difficulty. You simply made poor choices. You took risks and failed. But failure is nothing to feel bad about. Failure builds character and confidence.
You are demonstrating courage - keep doing that.
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I feel that if I give her a hard time that I will just push her further away.
Giving her a hard time is the little boy talking. Enforcing a healthy boundary is the man talking. Show her that man and keep showing her.
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She is so bitter and resentful that she jumps at the first chance to get mad at me. It really makes me angry that she wants to demonize me because her OM is so "perfect" in her eyes.
Good. She needs to get that anger out. She is trying to justify her actions. Let her. She is crashing and hurting. Let her get angry. Support her best you can.
Her anger is coming out as aggression and that means she is using up her self-esteem to stay mad at you. As she crashes she may come to see you in a different light if you continue to present the man to her that you are becoming.
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I must confess that if this was a separation with no OM involved, I would work until my hands bled to make them comfortable.
You will do the right and honorable thing b/c you are a man.
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I loathe her for going outside our M and making this new R out to be her ticket to happiness.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I said I hated my former W. But they are hurting too. Try not to get caught up in aggression too. Focus on you and feel sorrow for her.
And as in my case, she is the mother of your children.
The OM is of no consequence b/c he has nothing to do with you. W is not comparing him to you, she is comparing him to what might be. She is dreaming. Please don't beat yourself up fighting a dream.
Fighting against what you cannot control is called suffering.
I see hope here. And I see you growing. Stay the course and become the man YOU want to be. Show her that man. Love your children.
