I did exactly the kind of taking over that you describe in my 1st M.
Hmm. well, there's "taking over",and there's "division of labor". To me, "taking over" implies you doing something that is exclusively his responsability. I dont think that managing the children's time, falls into that category.
HOWEVER... with your comment about tv, maybe that's a moot point....
Quote:
However, nights when everyone went to sleep early and we are alone on the couch watching tv have no different physical or emotional contact or tone than any other night so it "rolled off".
Maybe these days, he values just "being together", rather then physical romance type stuff. In other words, where you were looking for that time to be some big emotional cuddly type thing... maybe it made him happy enough to just be together watching tv.
It definately sounds like you have a problem with a "disengaged husband" as far as your relationship goes. However, .. i cant state this enough... He's A Male. (ie: dumb ) Playing little subtle games like "dropping your end of the rope", is not going to work on him, to actually get him to re-engage. Hopefully, you have enough proof of this now, and it is now time to smack some sense into.. Umm.. I mean... more directly communicate your needs to him
Quote:
My H is a great guy. He's attractive, smart, funny. I would really like it if he wanted to be my lover.
What if he does "want to"... he just wants you to be dominant about it all the time (including being the one to schedule kid-free time for it)? What if there's nothing that you can do that will change that?
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
It just seems to me that karen has tried all of the traditional stuff that should "work" with the average guy/most men/normal men, whatever you want to call it.
It's time to delve into what really makes him tick sexually, presuming that SOMETHING does... and the intrigue with Klingon sexuality is a teeny clue.
I suppose if karen could find out what kind of porn he views, that would be a clue also.
Not suggesting that karen demean herself or make herself over... but she's said she's not going anywhere, and if there is ANY way to flip his switch, it is worth looking for. Not in the spirit of snooping to catch him and something and blame him, but just to get a clue into his inner working.
So Mr. Karen likes the rough Klingons and thinks Picard is a pu$$y (did he really use that word?). Did he like the movie Braveheart? Does he like stories about the Goths and Visigoths and the barbaric hoards who overran Europe? They were kind of like the Klingons. How about that Scottish movie with Liam Neeson and Jessica Lange where they did it, seated, under a tree? I'm quite interested in the barbarian side of Mr. K (yes, I capitalized him and not karen... probably because my hands automatically capitalize the next word after Mr.).
A fantasy based on the Mariette Hartley episode of Star Trek might REALLY appeal to him. The episode is called "All Our Yesterdays." In the fantasy, you can wear a faux animal skin-- that's all she wears. You can buy a video here for $1.49--really: http://www.amazon.com/Star-Trek-Original-Episode-Yesterdays/dp/6300988740
Here's a synopsis:
Plot On stardate 5943.7, the USS Enterprise arrives at the class M planet Sarpeidon to evacuate inhabitants that are doomed by an impending supernova explosion of the system's star. Oddly, sensors detect no signs of humanoid life on the surface and Captain Kirk, along with Dr. McCoy and Mr. Spock, beams down to investigate.
Once there, the landing party finds a sophisticated computer library where they encounter a man named Atoz. Atoz explains that the library contains an archive of historical data disks. Kirk warns Atoz of the planet's imminent destruction and that they must leave immediately. Atoz however, says he is aware of the destruction of his world, and is already prepared. He informs that he will be joining his wife and family soon. He then activates a machine called the "atavachron". By viewing the historic disks, the time portal can send any who enter back in time to the point recorded in the data.
Kirk hears a woman's scream on the other side of the portal. Without realizing what the doorway is, he rushes through and disappears. McCoy and Spock rush into the portal after him despite Atoz's warnings not to go through since they have not been "prepared". The two find themselves transported through time 5,000 years in the past to when Sarpeidon was in the midst of an ice age. The two are trapped in the brutal cold and desperately look around for their captain.
Meanwhile, Kirk arrives in an alleyway at a point in Sarpeidon's history reminiscent of Earth's Medieval era. He manages to rescue a disheveled-looking woman from being assaulted by sword-bearing nobles. Kirk chases the assailants away, but then discovers the "maiden in distress" is really a thief that was attempting to cut the man's purse.
He offers to have McCoy treat the woman's wounds, but on looking where he came from, sees only a stone wall. Kirk steps back to the alley but cannot locate the time portal. He discovers he can still talk to McCoy and Spock but cannot get to them.
Spock surmises that all of the planet's inhabitants have escaped their demise by going through the portal to their past, which explains why only Atoz is left. (Atoz later confirms this. He was just about to depart when the landing party arrived.)
Authorities arrive and arrest Kirk for helping the thief. At the same time, McCoy asks his captain about what is going on at his end, and the guards are shaken when they hear the mysterious disembodied voice. The thief then betrays Kirk and tells the guards that he is using witchcraft, and the voices forced her to steal against her will.
On the verge of freezing to death, Spock and Bones look for shelter and encounter a figure wrapped in heavy furs, who leads the strangers to a warm cave. Disrobing to reveal a beautiful woman, she identifies herself to Spock as Zarabeth, and explains that she and her family have been exiled because one of them was involved in a plot to assassinate Zor-kahn, the tyrant who ruled in her time, or as she wryly puts it, her crime was "choosing my kinsmen unwisely."
Meanwhile, Kirk, taken to a jail cell, is interrogated by a prosecutor. Kirk mentions the "library" from which he came through time, and the prosecutor becomes nervous, realizing what Kirk means, for the prosecutor is also a refugee from Sarpeidon's future. At first, the prosecutor pretends to believe that Kirk is innocent but the guard and thief maintain they heard the mysterious voices and that Kirk must be a witch. Kirk realizes the prosecutor is from the future, and earnestly refers to the library and Mr. Atoz in the hope of getting back. The prosecutor gets scared and rushes away, saying he wants nothing more to do with the prisoner.
Back in the ice age, Zarabeth listens to McCoy's and Spock's story of their arrival, and informs them that she too is from Sarpeidon's future. She explains that the Atavachron portal is "one-way" and alters a traveler's molecular structure so that if they return to their time, they will die.
Meanwhile, Kirk sits in his cell and overpowers the jailer when he brings him food. The prosecutor arrives and Kirk confronts him, accusing him of being from Sarpeidon's future and threatening to expose him to the others as a "witch" if he does not help him escape. The prosecutor tries to calm Kirk down, admitting that he is indeed from the future but Kirk cannot return because of the "preparation" through the atavachron. Kirk points out that Atoz never prepared him, and the prosecutor says Kirk must return at once since an unprepared individual can only survive a short time in the past. He guides Kirk back to the alley, and Kirk feels for the portal, soon finding it.
The Enterprise warps away from Sarpeidion just as Beta Niobe goes Super Nova. Kirk steps through the portal returning to the library. He confronts Atoz and demands he help him rescue his friends. Atoz refuses to help until Kirk "prepares" himself before returning to the past. Believing his friends are dying and no more time can be wasted, Kirk tries to force Atoz to cooperate, but he zaps Kirk with a weapon, knocking him unconscious.
Back in the ice age, Mr. Spock slowly reverts to the barbaric nature of ancient Vulcans, an effect that may be the result of remaining in the past when those Vulcans are living. McCoy notices the hostile changes in Spock when the Vulcan reacts angrily to one of his typical insults. Spock begins to fall in love with Zarabeth, losing all intention of returning to the future anyway and wanting only to remain with his new love. McCoy however, is not convinced that they are trapped despite Zarabeth's statement that trying to return through the portal would cause death; McCoy believes that only Zarabeth is somehow unable to return, but he is willing to risk death for himself.
Back in the library, Kirk awakens on a cart just in time to stop Atoz from wheeling him into the time portal, and forces him to find his companions. Trying various disks, Kirk locates Spock and McCoy in the ice age and opens a portal. Meanwhile, McCoy, with Spock and Zarabeth at the base of the ice cliff where they arrived, hears Kirk's voice and manages to drag Spock away from Zarabeth long enough to follow it back to the library. The three are happily reunited, and with time running out, they watch Atoz slam a disk into the machine and make a panicked run for the portal and disappear.
Realizing they have seconds before the planet is destroyed, the landing party quickly return to the Enterprise which safely warps away just as the star explodes.
Oh - he loves the strongly sexually agressive women in media. He also loved Annette Benning in the American President when he's prattling on about things and she just goes in his closet and comes out with one of his button down shirts on and nothing else and kisses him. He likes Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman - he describes it as a story about her becoming a "woman" and the Richard Gere character becoming a "man". He's all about that in movies and so on and he liked that about me when we dated until.........
he was just back from a trip, stressed and all and could see that I was interested so he suggested we go to his room and well, there were erection issues and he was p*ssed at me. It seems like he had felt cornered into initiating and angry at me for clearly wanting sex when he didn't (emotionally or physically, the more we tried the more it wasn't happening and we just had to stop, get dressed and move on. Well, I guess this was the first sign that demonstrated I wasn't going to be the psychic sexual healer that being a Scorpio predicted for him, that his issues were still gonna be there. This was our "first fight" and it never was a fight, I knew he was angry, he denied it, said he was "tired" and that was that. I felt weird about initiating after that instance and the vibe that I was hypersexual and too needy was born into the R right there.
Since that time he has had erection issues on a few but not many occasions (mostly this happened in the beginning of the R and I just thought he was a little nervous), I have initiated successfully sometimes and not sometimes (sometimes he deflects or only halfway participates, he rarely out and out says no), we have had agressive sex but rarely. I don't know if it was a defining moment for him but it was for me. He only ever said "fcuk me" during sex before we married and only once or twice, never since. So........there is this disconnect from the media images that appeal to him and the real life acts that he will participate in.
Such a mystery. This is when it seems like a major copout to just say, "Ok, must be gay."
I do get your point but Lil is right about me very honestly having tried the usual spousal tactics. Though you may well be right about me having to dominate 100% of the time if I want frequency although that would also mean getting shot down a good percentage of the time or sometimes having him be mad at me for my insensitivity.
Lil,
Yeah - he did call Picard a pu$$y. H has no trouble with talking like a typical Alpha guy and using words like that in public. You are really on it today. He loved Braveheart and he really resonates with the whole heroic avenger, one perfect love kind of theme deal too. I don't think I have seen that episode. Might have to check it out. We have several of the series on DVD and the rest on video.
Yeah, I hear ya. It's funny how those things happen early in a R and we just make an excuse to ourselves and move on...
Are you listening, Mojo...
What I get from this anecdote is that he probably always doubted his sexual abilities enough that he didn't pursue women, and he probably WAS waiting for the Princess who would wake up his Sleeping Beauty. When he met you, he concluded it was you, but having experienced ED on that occasion shot a hole (so to speak) in his fantasy.
But you in a furry, spiky, ridged-forehead Lady Klingon costume COMPLETE WITH MASK, wielding a mace in one hand and a rough club in the other-- who knows?
Scroll down to where it says "Proud Females." Halloween is just around the corner.
First, sit on the bed and eat a rotisserie chicken with your bare hands, drink a flagon of wine, and then let 'er rip!
BTW, out of two handfuls of lovers, I've only had one who would use any explicit language during sex, and he didn't do it very often.
ETA: Do you think he would like it if you two dressed up in barbarian costumes and went to a Renaissance Fair? (I know the barbarians came before the Renaissance, but you can pretty much wear any kind of costume you want.) Stay in a motel, eat a rotisserie chicken with your bare hands, yaddayaddayadda.
Oh - he loves the strongly sexually agressive women in media. He also loved Annette Benning in the American President when he's prattling on about things and she just goes in his closet and comes out with one of his button down shirts on and nothing else and kisses him. He likes Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman - he describes it as a story about her becoming a "woman" and the Richard Gere character becoming a "man". He's all about that in movies and so on and he liked that about me when we dated until.........
Karen
Damn Julia Roberts again.... no I'm not going there today
Karen, I've spent some time and gone back and read your stories from previous post and for what it's worth coming from me, you are an amazing woman !
It really saddens me to hear of your struggles in your R. I'm hoping that something, anything will click in your husbands situation that will make him wake up and realize just what he has in a wife like you.
I stand in awe of many on this board and how they are determined to make every possible go at making their relationships work and it starts with you ! It's people like you that keep me inspired to not give up. Thank you !!
Ok Lil, I'm handing this post in for grammatical grading
)
