Well, at least you are going to C and w/ a GOOD ONE! I will also tell you though that my H did go to C about 2 times w/ me and then at that last session, said he had no desire to work on anything, was done and that was it. I kept going for myself for awhile until I just felt like I was going around & around in circles. He did end up coming around on his own. His thinking was that his "life long partner" should JUST KNOW "these things" i.e. how he is feeilng, etc. He should not have to explain everything and C's & the books, etc. are all crap. Anyway, like I said, he found his way back on his own. SO, the moral of the story is, if he doesn't allow the C to help, don't let that get to you either.
Last edited by RedHeadWife; 09/26/0710:53 AM.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Stop giving so much. He is a bottomless pit right now and you will eventually feel very resentful about that so it's best to pull back and focus on you and your child. Also, this will pull away his "safety net." If he no longer feels you underneath to catch him when he falls, then he has to come to grips with that change in his situation.
His anger and any meanness is there to make you angry and validate what he's doing. If you detach and pull your feelings away you will be less likely to react and he will eventually defuse. Detaching is easier said than done in the beginning and it can take time. Just reading it may not get you there. You will know you are there when he does something really mean or accuses you of something, and you have very little responding feelings. Almost like an outsider observing it from a logical point of view. I hope that makes sense.
You will definitely need patience for this. Think baby steps, think time. Also, if he's still involved with OW that can make a big impact on your relationship. My guess is if he's angry and pulling away to the level you describe he may still be involved with someone else. What is your intuition telling you? One thing that may be helpful to keep in mind is OP can be like a drug and MC may not be as effective as expected when that third person is part of the equation (or until things settle down and reality surfaces). So.... it may be best to keep expectations low for now. Truly focus on you and trying to enjoy having more time for yourself. Try to see the positives of separation. (i.e. A nice big bed to hog for yourself, can stay up reading all night and no one is telling you to turn off the lights, don't have to make full-course dinners every night, etc...). Look for the silver linings and appreciate those little positives where you find them.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Wow! The part of the partner should "just know" these things and so muchof what you said before regarding the profession of "lovelessness" sounds so much EXACTLY like what I am going through!!! It gives me hope to know that a turn around really IS possible anyway. Thank you so much for your support.Please keep it coming! I've got to run back to work. I'll update after our session this afternoon.
He won't even really look at me which is jarring in and of itself!
I know hon, my H wouldnt' look me in the eye for a long long time. Also remember, that in order to leave they have to give themselves excuses and make you the bad guy in his head so that what he's doing doesnt' seem so bad.
He also, from time to time, might push your buttons, to justify his leaving "aha! she is getting mad, that's why I left" etc etc. Be calm, always mind the tone of your voice, be pleasant, treat him as you'd treat an acquantaince who came for dinner.
I also didnt' think I could put up with his leaving for more than 2-3 months, I ended up waiting 8. It's a long road, so please dont' hold your breath. Find the happy independant person you were before you met him or married him. Let him find a happy woman, not a begging sad wretched soul hanging on his arm.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Started typing a quick reply, got a phone call, and it disappeared... Good counseling with Michele today. No MAJOR breakthroughs, but good stuff after my H finally would stop ranting about nothing in particular. He wants to move back in, though is afraid b/c of advice given to him that it would "blur the lines". I took Michele's cue not to push on this one. Easier for her, of course!! She asked him if he thought he would be able to express his need for mor time around the house "for his comfort" if he needed it. (I have already told him he may not come by unannounced.) He is SO unable to ask for what he needs/wants (big part of all the anger and resentment he's got. He could not say he would. he feels really rensentful that I am the one in the house- blah, blah, blah. He went home to take over with our daughter after that and fixed the screen door- small and not so small token as I see it!
She also asked him to share with me in what way he was hurting since he said he was, but has not expressed it. She said I'll bet she doesn't know. He said he cries evry day on his way to work, and that he wakes up at 4 a.m. (he's always been an early riser, but that's beyond) and wants to walk the dogs and see his daughter before he goes to work.
By the way, his OW lives across country. A few days after our first session with Michele he volunteered the info that they are no longer speaking AT ALL. I began to ask who he had been talking to and stopped myself. He offerd that info and brought it up again later in the day. He has been showing jealous behavior over me even though he has no cause. Any time I appear happy, he seems to wonder who I must just have been with. Even asked me if I was falling in love the other day when a girl friend of mine called, and (he didn't know who was on the other end of the phone) I was happy to hear from her!!
Well that's my disjointed rambling for tonight. I am less sad right now, but wary of when the next wave will hit. I know I am getting better at doing this DB stuff the right way, but damn is it hard. I pray all the time for strength and spirit and for my words and actions to come from God through me!
Well C went all right... as I said in my last post, but now I am still feeling like I give so much, and he's around the house all he wants, and then leaves and my heart just aches! I have just had a lot of tears again these past couple of days, and I wish they would stop (PMS dosn't help!).
I have friends, I have a life, activites, et, but I am just so damn sad that this isn't moving along any quicker!! Any advice?
Patience!!!! It sounds like your husband may have lost his fantasy relationship with OW and that takes time to get over. Stop giving so much. Do for you, do for your daughter... let him come back to you in his own time.
It's good she lives elsewhere. It will be much easier for both of you.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
