My H had an affair and told me he was not getting what he needed at home...he had a major addiction to the internet and used it to satisfy some need that he had....ok...now he has moved form the internet to video porn......am I a complete idiot for reacting to that as just a shift form one addiction to another form of the addiction....am I over reacting to this??? I want honest true feelings to this. If I am crazy for feeling this way maybe I can address this with the counselor at my next session. he has made little to no attempt to have sex with me...the only time he did try it was unsuccessful...he said it was because of his blood pressure medicine and he could not make it work, but it seems to be working for him when he watches his porn. Yes it makes me feel like it is not working for me....he sas that is stupid and I am going nuts over nothing. Even if he does feel I am wrong to feel that way it really makes me feel belittled to be told my feeleings are stupid. I feel he does not truly want to work this out together...he wants his porn and I just have to deal with it. Well to me it feels like he is still running to another woman, just in another form.
M 35 H 44 D 21,D 18,D 17, D 15, D 13, D 11, D 10, S 9 BOMB DROPPED 7/16/07 STILL TOGETHER, TRYING TO WORK IT OUT H ENDED A WITH Ow 7/15/07
If you haven't picked up Divorce Remedy yet I highly recommend it. There is a chapter on there about this very subject. The truth is no one not even your counselor has the right to tell you that you are overreacting. If this is a serious issue for you then there are three choices:
1) Do what you have been and be miserable. 2) Detach (GAL and do things for yourself) which may pique his interest and turn his energy towards you. 3) Prepare to separate or divorce. But keep in mind with any ultimatum that you must be absolutely willing to follow through. So think about this one hard before trying.
I hope this helps. I have to give credit to Michelle since I basically paraphrased the book:)
H 30 (me) W 28 Married 9 yrs 2 children EA found out on 7/5/07 ILYBNILWY 8/25/07 The unexamined life is not worth living -Socrates
Your are not wrong at all. If his habit, upsets you, he should at a very minimum have the curtiousy to understand your point of view.
BUT, he has already admitted this is very close to being a addictive behavior for him and in this case, I say if he is at all serious in restoring your M, he needs to stay away from it totally!
I don't think you are overreacting. In fact I can completely relate. It seems this way to men...there is so much validation out there in the media so forth that says "most men watch and masturbate to some form of pornography". My fiance used this statement once and I remarked that of course simply because many engage in a behavior is not cause for justification. The fact that he is able to get an erection with porn may simply be that he's more relaxed because he has no pressure to perform. He can also stimulate himself for as long as is required and feel pleasure and these images will be patient with him indefinitely. That doesn't make it ok, and it still hurts, but its important to remember that...it takes you off the hook from beating up on yourself which is undeserved.
Speaking for myself as a red blooded male and not typical for all males but what I like about porn is the stereotypical "dirty little whore". The girl that is comfortable enough to kick it out wide and have fun. I find that exciting. I like that in the bedroom. There is a time to make love and there are definitely times to get dirty. Throw out the hang ups about porn and focus honestly on what the two of you do behind closed doors for clues. You do not have to explain here but I'm sure you know what your basic script is.
You are not crazy and you are also free to stay within the limits you feel comfortable with. A solution will present itself with honest and open non judgmental talk.
Really good to hear a man say that. But what if you are a "dirty little whore" and your partner still turns to porn instead of you sometimes. That would just be frustrating...and is!
I think i have commented to you before. I know how hard it is , ive been there..the only difference is my H didn't actually have affair, just scoping and looking etc. of course I will never know if he truly ever had one.
Anyways have you read the book on sexual addicts? its very good. Ive read it and would be happy to mail it to you. As I feel that ive learned a lot from it. My H is borderline. BUT Yes he is very kinky etc..so I have been more adventurous with our love making.. and your right SINGLEAGAIN.. its true that some men like the dirty stuff.. mine is one of them.. so he gets that and more.
You have to try and communicate to him that this is totally unexceptable to you and that you need to know what he wants and you both will try and work it out, but he has to slow down on internet/video stuff if he is serious.
I know if feels like you are not adequate enough for him, but trust me on this, its HIS hang up not yours.
blessings~ tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
You have commented! Thanks. I actually just found your post and replied. I think you're right about communicating that he needs to slow down and that he needs to share with me what he wants. I think the biggest obstacle here is that he has those addictive personality traits (shame mostly) and might be a little afraid of saying what it is that turns him on out of embarrasment or fear of being judged. Anytime he has come to me I postively reinforce these requests and only rarely express my reluctance, but am sure to let him down gently. So the problem is that he has to find more ways to be honest with himself and me and bite the bullet and approach...a real live woman! I just don't know how to get him to do that.
On a side note...you said something about not knowing if he's cheated, my fiance hasn't either. At least to my knowledge, but does the fear increase for you when he's into porn more? It does me and makes all those insecurities and checking behaviors return. My most recent checking found out that he's been communicating with his exwife...I posted my plea for support elsewhere.
As for the book...what's the title? I am interested...
Just went upstairs to get it.. its called out of the shadows by patrick Carnes.
If you would like it email me at : tem420@gmail.com. and give me your address and I'll send it on over..
Yes when he is into porn I definately feel more threatened. No doubt.. and more insecure. But Ive gotten better at dealing with that. I have grown from then and I don't take it as hard, its his issue, my H gets sex a lot, well more than he has from me in the past, so things have been better. I don't feel inadequate anymore if i do find he is looking, but it still hurts though.
tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
