Mixed signals - catfan's continual saga part???

[FaithfulH]

CF, I can't share anything that you are not already doing. Even your watchout on showing neediness/clinginess. It is SOOO easy to slip back into that....in fact, I slipped up a couple weeks ago and my wife told me she was feeling smothered again! The difference this time (the old me would have pouted...I'm embarrassed to admit)....I said thanks....gave her space....and the next day she APOLOGIZED TO ME!!...but, I still "learned my lesson"...give her more space than I think she needs/wants.

[catfan]

Well seven days since my last post and for good reason, it seems it's all falling apart again. Sure she missed the girls while she was away and maybe even missed me a slight bit but she came back with it seems more resolve that we can only be friends. She doesn't want to work on be think we can be anything else. This all from last Wednesday's lunch and conversations. She said to me during lunch that she had wanted me to be that patriarch of the family and provide for the family. That ultimately this came down to financial and how she didn't want to be the primary provider for the family. How she wants to be a much more involved Mom and is upset by my heavy involvement with our girls. She feels I rub it in her face. Shoot I tell her about stuff because I WANT her involved and I told her this. She reiterated the financial aspect of the situation again and also how she didn't see any change in me about it.

So that night I decided I'd do something very out of the ordinary. I went to the house unannounced, checkbooks in hand. I told her that because she said it all started financially with her and that we have both short term and long term financial issues to address I was here checkbook in hand to start taking care of the short term and work towards the long term. Her response, "we're fine" in a very dismissive tone. A long conversation in sued and she again said all she wanted was to be friends our marriage is over and I need to accept it. I accept the old one is over. I've worked on issues related to me and feel we can build something new and great together. I do not under any circumstances want the old one back I felt like [censored] all to often.

So there she finally began to share her real feelings, she wants to move on without me but thinks we can be good friends. She wants me to move on without her. She also doesn't think our girls are really suffering and are fine yet is unwilling to talk with them about their feelings.

So once again I step back but I am still committed.

[Dom R]

sorry to hear about your setback.

Dont undersell yourself, or her.
I dont think those are her "real feelings".
Yes, I think they "are real". but I think that the other, more positive feelings are "real", too.

The big question is, which ones are going to get her attention more.

Sometimes, seems like we can find solutions to all the "problems" they tell us about... but it wont help, because they arent telling us what is truely bothering them.
And THAT problem, may be something that we cant "fix", anyways.

[catfan]

Sometimes, seems like we can find solutions to all the "problems" they tell us about... but it wont help, because they arent telling us what is truely bothering them.
And THAT problem, may be something that we cant "fix", anyways.

Well said Dom. I took a risk in my actions last Wednesday. She flat out said the issues started financially but clearly that really isn't the deepest seeded issue although she claims it is. But one thing for sure, she knows I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is. She can't say I haven't tried to address the financial issues because this is a second time I have tried. The first was when it looked like she wasn't going to be able to make a tuition payment. I stepped up then only to be told no as she decided that her upcoming bonus which was larger than expected would cover it.

[FLTC]

CF,

I'm looking at your latest post in a different light. Showing up without letting her know your coming and wanting to talk about an issueshe was not at all ready to talk about probably just set her up to be irritated. It was pursuit by another name. With the best intention, you went there totally prepared to try and fix what she TOLD you the issue was, but as Dom said sometimes "the issue" is not THE "issue". You were geared up to try and fix the sitch. She was not in that frame of mine, and was caught totally off guard. You're not doing anything the rest of us haven't done, but can you see the pursuit/semi-ambush side of this?

[catfan]

Yea you are right at it's core it was pursuit and pursuit with heavy expectations if not a down right ambush. I guess I should have run the idea by a few of my friends first. I suspect that y'all would have nearly beaten me to death though. LOL!

So she and I just finished a difficult but I think rather good phone conversation. This whole being friends idea came up again and how she wants someone to bring joy into her daily life. She all but asked me to do just that and honestly right now I haven't a clue how to go about it without it coming across as pursuit. So I am all ears!

[FLTC]

CF,

don't feel bad, bro. If I was at home I'd be doing the same thing. This deployment has been an emotional God send for me. You don't have that ability to distance yoursel physically and hence emotionally.

Talk about the mixed signal bus! Wow. "I want to date others for companionship"....."I WANT SOMEONE TO BRING JOY INTO MY LIFE DAILY?"

My friend......to put into 25th Infantry division terms: "THAT SEEMS LIKE AN INDIVIDUAL SOLDIER TASK TO ME"

I get so emotional over this stuff, because to me, it's such an easy fix, but...our vote is not the one that counts. It's like my W. saying to me the now infamouse line I share all the time: "Don't you want someone to knock your socks off?" WTF...22 years, 3 kids...keep your socks on!!!!!!!!!!!

I know you're frustrated. Where are you living now? How's the disjointed kid-juggling going? As I remember from lst fall...it su*ks.

Let her stew in it...Let her think......you focus on you...you continue to grow. Worry about you and your kids. Come here for second opinions..We're not always right, but it might give you some pause. Take care man!

[FLTC]

Man, talked about confused messages from your W!!! I want to dat...just for the companionship......I want someone to bring joy into my life. Sounds like my W's line that I've shared with you before: "Don't you want to find someone who knocks your socks off?" AS ONE OF MY GOOD FRIENDS HERE IN IRAQ TOLD ME; THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN INDIVIDUAL SOLDIER TASK TO ME (He was recently divorced before deploying: a great African American officer who raised three daughters pretty much single-handedly becasue his W. did not want to be involved with the kids? THEY LIVE WITH HIM!)

[Dom R]

she wants someone to bring joy into her daily life. She all but asked me to do just that and honestly right now I haven't a clue how to go about it without it coming across as pursuit. So I am all ears!

WOW! you lucky guy, you. I missed that post from you.


I would say,
Do things that you know make her happy.
Dont do it in a way, that says, "come back to me!!!"
In other words, try to make your efforts purely a gift, with no expectation of reciprocation, either from your perspective or hers.


Compare and contrast, short text messages:

a) "I'm thinking of you, the most wonderful woman in the world "

b) "have a wonderful day!"


At first glance, message a) is very complimentary and positive for her. However, it brings up that you are thinking romatically of her, and makes her think about what "the relationship" between you both is. So, it ends up being "pressure" for her.

message b, is just wishing her well, with no strings attached

So, I guess she's asking you for attention, without obligation.
not sure what other things you can do, but I think that ight be helpful in deciding yes/no on ideas.
(If you think of good stuff... let me know too! i could use em as well )

[catfan]

Hey FLTC,

Still at my parent house for now. They've been away since the spring and won't be back for another month or so. So I've had the house all to myself for a good while. I suspect I'll be here a while longer too since I am out of work again. Got laid off at the end of June from the start up I went to work with in the winter. I've got a few prospects but it's tough going with my last position being only 5 months.

At this point I have no idea which way we are going. One day it seems we are pointed in the right direction and others it seems she could care less. Interestingly we had another good conversation, at least I thought so, and she finally articulated what it was she's been looking for for so long and how she realized she had failed at nurturing our marriage. I am not sure if she's willing to work at it at all, a little or just can't anymore. I hope she can at least give it the attention she is giving other things in life too. I really can see that we can work it all out but we both have to commit to it. Therein sits the challenge, will she commit to it? It seems she waiting to see actions by me that stir her to say yes. So here I sit trying to figure out how to go about doing that now.

Ultimately she wants security. She wants to know someone else is providing for her and the family, protecting them, caring for them, fussing over them, etc. She wants to be a stay at home mom and not have to worry about earning a living to pay the bills. When she said all of this the other day I took it to me she would like me to do those things and they are things I am wanting to do. But doing things that married couples do for one another to nurture an relationship is, at its core, pursuit and I am not sure that will work. It's all so confusing.