He started talking to me about church which really isn't something I can talk to him about. I haven't been going and he wanted to know why. He kept pushing that until I blew and tears were in my eyes and I couldn't even see but he kept at me (not in a mean way - just trying to talk because he knows how much church meant to me before...). So he pushed and I sorta blew up and told him that before I ever started going to church we had been "fine" (by our "old standards", you understand). Then I started going to church and taking the kids and instead of being able to pray for him like I should have - I was blessed with MLC and then that stupid SOB I had a crush on when I was 19 had crossed my path and got my head turned around ass backwards. I went on even further....through the time I was in crisis to the day I "woke up" and started fighting to save us and - this got heated because it was all just bubbling up and flowing outta me - "I did everything right and did it for all the right reasons and WHAT DID IT GET ME? A more f'ed up family than ever before!Don't you even talk to me about church, Jeff!"
Don't let that thought take hold. You know where it comes from. You probably don't remember but one of the biggest things I got slapped in the face with in my sitch was a charitable gift I gave to a relief organization within our church for the Katrina disaster. God moved me to make a sizable (but affordable) donation and I was faithful to that. I tried to discuss it with XW before she wrote the check and she wasn't interested in discussing it other than just saying "that seems like a lot". Later she used that as her biggest complaint against me. My inclination was to accept the idea that this is what happens when you are faithful to His wishes in your life. I recognized where that was coming from and did not let it take hold. I hope you will return to church. Right now it seems like it may well be that missing piece in your sitch.
