disappointed, I agree, he has a lot of insecurities (still) left over from the years of abuse. I think I'm one of the few people who knows most of the story--I suspect even I don't know everything, just knowing xh. He has told me a couple of times that part of the problem is he just didn't know what a healthy M feels like, so he'd just throw his hands up at a little bump thinking it must be 'over'. Then he'd be confused, think it wasn't, because he'd still have feelings, and come running back. He's also concerned about overcompensating the other direction, and not knowing when to let go of an unhealthy R.

I feel for him, because it really must be terribly confusing. At the same time, I'm trying to let him know what is and is not acceptable. I think may have done him a disservice in the past by being 'too' understanding, assuming he knew some things were unhealthy/not okay, but was acting out anyway. The trick is to have nice, open conversations with him at appropriate times, instead of ranting, hate-filled arguments. :p Time is allowing me to do this with more grace.

Of course, that's not to say I'm perfect. There's always room for growth. One of the things I'm enjoying about our current interactions, is that he's helping me identify my unhealthy habits, as well. I try to take his input seriously, because he does know me very, very well. While I'm not getting all of the cuddly, affectionate parts I miss from our R, I am getting my emotional needs met. So, oddly, it's like I'm getting the other side this time.

While I would like more eventually, I am okay and happy with the way we are currently. At some point I will want a deeper connection with someone, but right now, I'm not interested in dating anyway. So, barring one of us actually dating someone, this current path is fine. It leaves things open down the road, without pushing for it.

I did notice he's pulled back again the last couple of days. I've been assuming (I know) in the past that this usually had to do with his FF JD, but I had another idea today. Having finally noticed I was picking fights to prevent further intimacy, I carefully overrode that tendency earlier this week. Now, he's bringing up the "we shouldn't really be doing xyz, it's not right," "I don't want to hurt you anymore," and mentioning his interest in MN again. I wonder if, because I didn't try to retreat, now he is...? I may ask him about it later; maybe not. It depends on the flow of the day. shrug

Some more things I need to work on about me...

I think I may be more judgmental about people than I realized. I caught myself yesterday, thinking down a bit on a coworker who is less technical than I am. I've been told I don't come across condescending, but I'm concerned that (sooner or later) those thoughts will seep through into my actions. I need to work on this some more.

Exercising more regularly again. I sleep better, which means I'm more pleasant, get more work down, and overall am just a better person. I had gotten back to almost daily workouts before I went on vacation a couple of weeks ago, but I've let myself slide lately. Not good. Even if it's just a little, I need to do something every day. This is the one thing I really wish I hadn't allowed to happen during and after my pregnancy...my emotional health is simply so much better when I eat and work out strictly.

Resentment. I caught myself holding onto a couple of silly negative interactions with xh and making those assumptions again. After all, it must always be about me, right?? ;\) lol The trick is to realize, when I feel like that, it's not the little whatever thing that I'm focusing on. Usually, it's something else that hurt me, maybe I didn't realize it at the time, but I'm trying to continue to justify that hurt.

Azhira

my confusion