All hope is lost/help

[cat03]

Hi there, yes, from time to time we all have our mini crisis (I had my very own yesterday) it's a hard road, events that would normally be stressful on their own are much harder when our spouses are alianiating themselves from us.

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The thing is I have no idea what H's LL is!!! How bad is that?
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Don't beat yourself for that, I thought I knew my H, he's proved me wrong. He's done things so unlike the person I marry. I don't know what my H's love language is, he seems so distant from anything, very unreachable at times.

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but it seems everything i'm doing is not having an effect all.
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There is doing 180's to change bad habits, then there is expecting our spouses to behave the way we want them to, on our timing. He alone has to decide to change, to stay, to open up with you. I do my best at home, we talk nice w/H and do things together, but still he wont' sleep with me. But I know he isnt' ready and all I'll do is put pressure in him, I can't make him do anything, same with you, you can't change your H. You must detach even more and let him figure himself out.

Is my C young? no, he's actually the olderst C i've seen so far.

Wish I had the patience of a saint, I do feel restless often, but I just move on and pick myself up. My family doesn't know and the few friends who know dont' know every detail, it's better that way. T stands for therapist.

Hope you feel better now and that this day is wonderful because you will make it so regardless.

[Evie]

Cat - you sound a bit low? not like you at all, your always so positive!! What was your crisis yesterday?

I will take your advice about distancing even more, that is something that I can do without feeling bad that i'm acting out of character. I spoke to H on the phone earlier (he called me) i asked if he knew where is was going when he left last night, he said he didn't. I said i would appreciate been told where is was going, not because I minded him going out but just because he wouldn't like it if i did it. He said he was sorry. I believe him. He wants to buy a new watch (a v expensive one) it would take most of his savings... I'm going to encourage him to buy it (MLC toy?).

How come you don't confide so much in family and friends?

Reading more into your stich i believe your H has made a huge amount of progress: given up ow, moved back home, committed to working on M and you should be proud of your efforts in staying focused and showing huge patience and understanding and give him the time and space to heal in his own time. You answers to your stich are in your advice to others. You have a lot of wisdom, I should call you 'the wise one'.

I actually meant how old were your children, sorry for that misunderstanding.

The book i read was called 'The five Love Languages' by Gary Oldfield, it's an American book so you shouldn't have trouble in getting it. So far I have learn't my LL and the LL of all my 4 children... Working on H's!!! Bought him a small gift today, plenty of positive affirmations and acts of love (that has 3 of them covered). There is a little quiz at the back of the book, one for women and one for men..

Wishing you a peaceful weekend.

(((Cat)))

XD

PS H is bringing home a takeaway after work (maybe his way of apologising for last night or an act of love, who knows, I shall enjoy teh gesture.

[cat03]

Yeah, not feeling the best right now, yesterday's mess plus this morning's talk with H doesn't leave me leaping for joy. His T told him to be brutally honest (i'm sure, part of an attemp to have him stop bottling up his feelings and learn to tell the truth) so, he's read that as being a brute while being honest. Yesterday's and today's fiasco have to do with the fact that he wants to talk his mind --fine with me-- but he is vicious about it, perhaps in an attempt to make his point across and in the past he never thought he could.

I'm pretty mad at him right now, out and out told him to go to h*ll, it's a big no-no, I know, but his verbal abuse has got to stop, I refuse to just sit there and take it. I don't want to talk to him right now, I'm sure I'll feel better later and we'll both cool down, then I might feel like talking again.

You are funny I'm no were near wise, I've been burned twice so I sort of know the road, by no means it makes it easier but I the road is familiar to me now.

My children are under 10, the older one can sense the tension when we argue, I try so hard not to argue with them around.

I have read that book, the 5 LL, and even gave it to read to my H before our separation, he got something out of it, but refused to fill "my tank" in a way I wanted to. For me, acts of love are a biggie since I feel I do everything plus hold a full time job, he prefered to give me gifts (easier) that to do stuff around the house.
At the time, his LL was physical touch, since we are sleeping appart andhe's getting over the A, we can't do anything in that department.

Hope you have a good dinner and a great weekend, I'll also have fun w/my kids, my H works both weekends and nights so I won't see him but for a few hrs.

[Evie]

(((cat)))

If your H is not used to communicating, it is a skill he has to learn. Maybe he has the best of intentions and doesn't or didn't realise how hurt you would be? Maybe he will cool down and see the error of his 'new found' honesty and maybe he may realise that you won't tolerate all of his behaviour and what a negative impact it has had. It may pull him up a little?

Reading between the lines can you take any positives from what he said? Are you allowed to speak to his T and put your point across?

I think space is a good thing this weekend. Time for both of you to reflect...then when you feel able and want to talk you will be more rational.

Can you start physical touching again by putting your hand on his shoulder and saying positive affirmations? (once you have cooled down that is). My H used to surprise me in the early days with surprise weekends away and i'm wondering whether it would be in order to surprise him with a night away in London? No strings attached, just enjoy a show and a nice meal, hotel and come back the next day. Do you think it could work?

Have a glass of wine, watch your favorite dvd with the kids, eat popcorn and distance.

XD

[cat03]

yes, the T told him he has to work extra hard at commucating, he knows it but even he acknowledges that he has a hard time implementing what the T talks about.

Fuming again, just got off the phone, he acted all fine and dandy and blamed his blowing up at me because he is probation at work. That is such crap I can see right through that, a lame attempt at evading responsability for his actions, I kept telling him how bad he made me feel and he said he didn't think it was a big deal, was distracted doing something else while talking to me and threw a patetic "sorry?" at me.

I went with his T for the first session, and you know what? you have a good suggestion, I should go with him on the next one, she did say that from time to time she'd like to talk with both of us. I'll go next week.

I've tried a few times, to hold his hand, like I did after the first A and S, but this time I just don't have it in me, he's even more "human" than that time, but I prob also need more time. I do crave often to have him near me, but I wish he'd try too (ok, so I'm sounding like a person to whom I'd say 'go slow, try it now and then) aRGGGH!!!

ok, I need to detach and calm down, that time of the month is somewhat aways, though I feel extra emotional right now.

Phew! thanks for listening to my rantings honey, as you see, we all go mad a bit from time to time, heck, I've earned it! LoL!

[Evie]

Cat - how was the weekend? Have you managed to have a chat with H? I think it's a good idea that you go with H to see his T. That way you can say how blunt H has been. I feel with my H that his job has always come before me in the priority stakes, they complain that we don't show them enough affection, but hey we support them..

You've had a lot to deal with this weekend, I hope you managed some inner calm?

What a bizarre weekend i've had?. I'm afraid to jinx myself!!!

It was the best weekend in a long time....

It started with the takeaway on Friday. Then the whole family meet for a lunch out of town the next day. I got home took the k's out. H went to work then came back and went to the gym. The whole day he has been txting me and telling me where he is, what he is doing etc.

Sunday H had to work, all day, I met a friend for a coffee, took the s's. Met up with H to work togther.

Before all of this started H & I used to go to the gym togther on a Sunday evening, just for a swim and a sauna, jacussi, but I stopped going. However yesterday i decided to go before he normally goes and be back in time for H to go at his normal time. I really enjoyed it. H then went and was a little late back than normal. Which was fine. He came to bed and explained he had stopped for a drink.

The changes have been: H although extremely tired has seemed very upbeat, more chatty and wanting to chat??

Biggest improvement is that he has come to bed with me at the same time.

Their has been a lot of eye contact. Still no hugging or affection, but I didn't want to push that, I feel content at the moment with the upbeatness of the whole weekend.

What have I done different? Been more upbeat & positive, lots of positive affirmations, getting out of the house when I normally would have stayed in with H for company and i bought him a small gift (i'm also not drinking red wine, i found it was acting as a depressant). I think i'm lovingly distant and trying not to be needy and be more independant. I also very actively encouraged him to purchase a watch he has been looking at. (very, very expensive MLC toy?). I'm also making a bigger effort to keep the house immaculate (you know when you put your house on the market to sell....that kind of immaculate). I'm also clearing up after him ( i know i can hear you saying i shouldn't, but if these small things act 'an act of love' and it's working, who am i to grumble). I also bought new curtains for the bedroom without consulting him ( i'm normally realy bad at making decisions and been assertive).

I'm hoping this may be the start of better things to come?

What do you all think??

XD

[cat03]

glad you have a good weekend you seem to be going in a good path. He seems to be opening up as you give him more space.

Not much to report, still in a stand still, so I think I'll go to my C to talk it out, have too many issues to think about. Will talk to H tomorrow to ask him when can I come w/him.

[Evie]

Cat - How did things go with your C & H?? Are you feeling a little stronger this week?

I was/am on a good path. The bubble from the weekend soon wears off when a bad week at work kicks in. I must look at the positives, which are - H is now coming to bed the same time as me, we can sit in the same room with each other and I at least do not feel uncomfortable. He is excercing more, which is a good thing. However, I can't stop the niggles in the back of my mind. Things like, I wish he would seem more interested in me, show me some affection (maybe ML), initiate a date, anything....

I would like to clear the air and find out where I stand, but equally neither of us are that good at commuincating and I don't really want to hear any negative stuff as it would hinder my PMA.

I know I should read his actions and that he/we seem to have made huge progress, I still have that doubt in the back of my mind whether he will go or stay.

I'm not sure whether he is waiting for me to iniate more affection or ML. I did hug up to him at the weekend and he said he didn't mind when i asked. I'm just don't want to risk more rejection if I made the first move and equally I feel if he wanted it he would initiate, maybe he's so unsure of the 'new' me that he's afraid of been rejected himself?

We have a friend, H's best friend, he has no morals that I approve of but he was best Man at our wedding, however when this all started his advice to my H was take her for everything. H lost a lot of respect for him over that and has not had much contact with him over the last few months and the friend and his wife have not contacted me at all (some friends).. well anyway friend is now back on the scence as H and him train together and of course i'm now worried what they are talking about, maybe i'm just reading too much into it and it may have not been mentioned at all?

Welcome your thoughts?

X D

[cat03]

sorry, i'm on my "rock bottom" stage, when all comes crashing down and I "clean house" so I'm pretty much on the same boat as you. I did have one of those R talks that went downhill fast (so maybe you are wise by waiting and not pushing) Expectations, expectations, it's hard not to have them but at this point neighter your H nor mine are ready for affection displays.

So my advice is to set your ML, affection, date expectations to 0 and learn to communicate with him first. I used to always advice people to hold hands, try a little something now and then, maybe it would work depending on their Hs, right now, it won't work on my sitch (it sort of did the first time around 2yrs ago, but all sitches are different)
I might follow that advice in a month or 2, too much damage was done last night.

It isn't easy, just BTDT.

[azhira]

I still have that doubt in the back of my mind whether he will go or stay.

Asking won't help. You'll only really feel at ease over the long road. When I went through piecing before, I found that the need to temperature check finally just...faded away with time. (About a year and a half or so.)