What to do with a fence-sitter

[Dom R]

And it does not justify having an affair.

i agree.

criticizing is not constructive communication. It's disrespect.

I disagree.
There are levels of criticism.
At the lightest level, there is the perfect "politically correct", "polite" method. Something like,
"When you do X, I feel bad".

At the medium level, there's "you hurt me when you do X".
followed by "Stop doing X, I cant deal with that"

And at the extreme level, there's "Stop doing X! You're a lousy miserable person for doing that!"

all of the above, are "criticism".
all of the above, are also "communication".

On the part of the person being hurt, I think it is usually a good idea to try the lightest level first.
Some people need to be taught that. They dont even see how it might even work.

But... what would you say they should do, when it doesnt work?

Most normal people will tend to progress from the "light", to the "heavy" side of the scale, when the other party does not respond to "light".

As far as disrespect goes... if things escalate from "light" to the "heavy" scale, then it may be deserved.


I think that ignoring critical communication, by labeling it as "disrectpectful", is behaving in a shallow and uncaring way.
It's one thing to respond with, "I dont like being talked to that way: talk to me about what you need, without insulting me".
It is a very different thing to respond with, [I'm going to deny you what I know you need, because I dont like the way you communicated it to me].

You may think that this subject is "water under the bridge". here's why I bring it up, though:
In a marriage (or any other close relationship, for that matter), there needs to be leeway given, by both the speaker, and the listener, for any issue.
The speaker should do their best to not give offense in their communication. However, the listener has an equal duty, to try not to TAKE offence, but instead try to listen and respond caringly to what the speaker is saying to them.

If you dont follow that model in discussing future issues with your husband, then I think you are going to have a rough time of things.