Still stuck in Limbo Land

[MariS]

Mary, Mamabear & Babybliss

Thank you for your kind/wise words & encourgement. I have been doing my best to focus on me & not WAH-MLCer & have not posted here in awhile. Now I am in need of help from the bb.

Journaling........(sorry for length)


WAH-MLCer started same arguement again this morning.
(seems to hit this trend when he is sexually frustrated w/me)

He doesn't love me, isn't happy, said he would stay for the 16yrs for child, now doesn't think he can. We gave it a try for the past year & "nothing" is better. We are not sexual compatible, I have nothing stimulating to offer, no friends with places to go & things to do. If he was going to stay in the M, then he was going to have a GF on the side. We need to sit down & have a non-emotional discussion about us & what we each want. All of his friends can see that he is unhappy & miserable. We need to go ahead & proceed w/the D. I would be happier w/someone else, some CPA type person and that I could hang out at the house with & plant flowers.

(you get the picture-typical alien spew)

My reply was we have NOT been working on us for the past year. He was still sleeping w/OW until recently & he had not committed 100% to working on us since he was still in communication w/OW and he had not completely moved out of "his place." The fact that he still had other place indicates he has one foot in the door and one out.

I asked which friends & he gave me a list of names. My next question was if "these" friends were also aware of ALL the OTHER issues that he was dealing with, or was he telling them that is was just all me? Silence...

Also, OW should stop calling me at the office & hanging up. She is more than welcome to have a conversation w/me I am NOT afraid of her. In fact, I suggested lets get the 1st OW from the 1st A to even join us and we can have a "nice dinner party" just the four of us. No response...

I reiterated that I did let him go, & no, its not about "wining" him, I loved him & our family. The reason he was happy w/OW during seperation was that she wasn't working & had time to devote all to him. (not juggling two jobs, starting a business, raising a child or salvaging a marriage/family)

AND no, sex is not just sex, it is about an emotional and mental connection that includes physical interaction. His reply was I needed to watch more porn.

I am SO angry & emotionally distraught over his inmaturity that its making it hard for me to keep fighting for our family, but I know I need to(those few gems are rare,but great when I get them)

Figure OW is pressuring WAH-MLCer, I know the bulk of his guy friends already moved on and grew up and he now has no one to "play with." Then of course, I gather his attorney is also contacting him due to the courts wanting to dismiss due to lack of prosecution. I asked why the courts supposedly had no known address for me & he just smirked/laughed.

Then he dug in on why did I have his second credit card and all the snooping I had done, etc. He doesn't go through my stuff, doesn't care, I can go have an A, why do I care about him?

Well, he had given me that second card when he was drunk, so I kept it & the snooping only started 2yrs ago when the IRS showed up at house looking for us and then the constables started showing up for WAH-MLCer.

I then asked that he remove the "keylogger" program he installed on our home computer, which he denied.

Time for him to GROW up, but we can't make the MLCers see it. Sure, I would like to be out living life, but I don't have a bank account to role that life style like he does, or did.

Downside, he admitted that having our child was a mistake. I know the child his/herself is not a mistake, but the two of us having a child was. But whats done is done & we must go forward.

When WAH-MLCer suggested starting a family years ago, I was shocked, but thought okay, lets, it will be hard, different & difficult, but if WAH-MLCer thinks we can do it, then I know we can.

Little did I realize, until now that WAH-MLCer wasn't truly ready & that he was already in MLC.

Our child will NEVER know that we made an error in judgment to begin a family(and I say "we" because it takes two).I will do WHATEVER it takes to protect child from this knowledge.

Unlike WAH-MLCer, I have always known what it means to grown & take on the responsibilty of being a parent, as well as the hardship. He has just chosen to balk every step of the way of growing up.

WAH-MLcer's lack of patience and resentfullness of having to be a parent when it comes to the "hard parts" is apparent when he is around child and his actions w/child. I do my best to minimize these situations, mainly because it is not fair to child to be exposed to WAH-MLCer antics, child doesn't comprehend.

Plus, w/WAH-MLCer still being an alcholic, I am ever mindfull of child.

WAH-MLCer is also now trying to control who in our family we see & spend time with. His Mother is "not allowed" so sit for us and his brother is "not allowed" to be around child. All of this is because of HIS issues w/them. I keep in-laws in the loop w/child & I when I can. MIL is completely understanding, loves & supports child & I.

Now I must try to dry my eyes here at work & but on the happy face of As If. Continue to GAL and 180. I have a GF function tonight & WAH-MLCer seems jealous & put out that he will have to stay home on a Friday night to watch child. Keeps commenting that his weekends are his. (he was out hunting all last wknd)

Thoughts?

Words of encouragement or advise?