I was almost a WAW (and still am-- in my heart?)

[sandi2]

Good morning everyone. I sound terrible and can barely make people hear what I'm saying so I may have to type in caps....lol. Anyway, I hope after going to the doctor yesterday that I'll be better in a few days. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I know it doesn't appear that I am doing much "action" toward my MR, but I am trying to see the positive things in my H and not focus on the negative. I am listening to tapes and still reading on all those books I've ordered. That may take a while since I keep ordering new ones....lol. Anyway, we don't get into fusses or sound angry at each other like we were for a long time, so I think that is progress. We seem to feel comfortable around each other now and we do treat each other a lot better. I do need to stop spending so much time on the board every night and try to spend more time with him watching TV.....which I have been more than I was, but it's still not enough. I just don't care much for TV anymore. He usually falls asleep about thirty minutes after he sits down, so then I get on the computer. I used to try to get him to play a board game with me....I love games, but I finally gave up. As I've said, he just doesn't do anything like that and never has. I think before a couple marries, they do things with the other one, even though they don't particular enjoy it. Since they don't tell you they don't like doing that sort of thing, you assume that they do, so after you get married, it is somewhat of a dissapointment to discover they are pretty much a "stick in the mud" about anything fun to do. But after 41 years, I should be used to it. I think that is one reason I spend so much time on the board every night, not just for the encouragement, but b/c I don't want to just sit and watch TV.....I know you are going to say (DomR) to use that time to cuddle, etc. Well, I'm trying to do better in that area when I'm not so sick I can't stand it. (And, please don't tell me again that I'm using that as an excuse....that's not fair.) Everyone handles their sickness in different ways, and I realize that I am kind of like a hurt dog when I'm sick and just want to be left alone. Besides, I don't want him to think that I just want to be near him or make him feel that I "use" him when I am sick. He has been feeling kind of poorly himself lately. I sure hope we both don't get down at the same time. He has always been the "rock" as far as being there for all of our family. The kids, me, his brother, and mom (when she was alive) he goes with everyone to the doctor, etc. In fact, I got a little put out with his brother for "using" him for that when my H needed to be working instead of going with my BIL to the doctor while SIL worked! He hardly ever goes with me to the doctor b/c he has taken off work so much for everyone else. He offers, but if I'm able to get my mom or drive myself....I know he needs the work.

I said most of all that to let you see that good side of him. There have been so many, many times that I just could not "deal" with our D's illness or other problems after I got my own health issues. The day in/day out grind on one's nerves. As I've told some of you, she and I have kind of a personality conflict and have to "work" at our R.....she is more of a "daddy's" girl. So, I let "daddy" handle her most of the time and I handle the Son and grandkids....lol. Also, I think it still bothers me a lot that she found out about the OM. She doesn't appear to hold any grudges, but I still feel somewhat uncomfortable around her. I guess it will just take time to heal.

Speaking of OM, I am counting down to my three month date of no contact. I think .......no, I know that I am going to make it now! There were times I felt so weak and wondered if I would...but between God, my family, and you all here on the board...I've made it. I would come here and just start reading...sometimes the very first posts that I sent and those good folks that responded very quickly to me giving me the advice I needed. So now, I look for anyone that may be a potential WAW that I might can try to help. I worry that I may not always give the right advice at times, but if anyone can learn from my experience, I hope it will help.

Hope you all have a good day.