My life don't fit the book, please help.

[lester]

Last Night

Okay this is crazy but last night was like none I’ve had in a while. Might not have again for the next week until the moon shifts phase. Anyways, my planned activity was to go play pool and blow off some steam. I think what happened instead was better.

I had ordered a couple of pizzas and wife and I and kids ate together and watched TV. After dinner, wife went outside to talk to her mom on the phone and I got the kids dressed (messy eaters) and took them outside as well. We had a great time together so I figured it was better than pool. I guess nothing can bring a smile to a father’s face like watching their kids play. Anyways, wife had to deposit a check and pick up some soda and came back shortly. While she was gone D5 rode her bike around the block and S2 and I were “chasing” her. He was getting a kick out of it and kept saying “run daddy”.

After that wife and I watched TV (she didn’t disappear to the room) I did the dishes, made up the room for her mom, etc. MIL coming this weekend (ohh joy) the supreme jellyfish of morality (reminds me of frank’s W’s friend). Although MIL likes me she’s rather ambivalent and tends to nag Melissa to end it – I don’t know, sounds good like she’s on my side but she’s very wishy washy.

Now, maybe some back story will help understand why I’m doing all the housework. I was in Iraq for a couple of months and when I came back couldn’t find any local work. A whole crapload of interviews but no bites, however, I was able to find a job in Chicago in like 2 minutes so we discussed it and agreed to do it. The plan was I would get the job and we would look for houses. Well if you know anything about big cities you know that if you want to live anywhere near work you will be left with $2 from your monthly pay check and long story short she didn’t want me to drive 2 hours to work everyday and end up spending 12 hours a day away from home and she really didn’t like the congestion of it all. So all told I was away for 2 years. I flew or drove down every weekend and wife took leave occasionally to spend time up there with me. Okay, so now she says she’s burnt out and she is. But, she’s also dealing with depression and what seems to fit MLC. I think I may have mentioned but in case I haven’t I’ve tried to lead the horse to water (counselor, priest, meds, time off) and referred to it as her being “down” – she’s very anti mental health. She’s still a little depressed but seems to be coming out but OM ain’t helping if you know what I mean. I think the quote below describes exactly what’s going on.

No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.

I think knowing that she won’t lift a finger because she’s depressed/MLC or in her words “burnt out” will help some to understand how I’ve become a single parent, crazed marriage warrior and somewhat insane I wanted to make sure to provide the back story before being inundated with how weak it is to keep house as a man.

The good things that happened last night:

- She kissed me 3 times. Sometimes she kisses me but it seems that perhaps some of the ice is melting
- I kept a PMA all evening, a first since this started. I actually smiled often. My voice was louder, unencumbered, jovial at times. Now I didn’t always feel confident but tried to act like I was. I could be reading into things but she seems to have responded.
- She criticized me for how I had organized the DVDs and I just said well we don’t have time to rearrange them right now (right before we had to go work) and we can rearrange them tonight. Michelle says in the book nagging is good… so I put it here
- She wanted me to help her decide whether she should continue her Master’s program. I told her that I think it would be best but that I don’t want her to start into it if she’s too burnt out to see it through. She said she would send me the registration e-mail (what she said they wanted her to do didn’t make sense).
- She was much more talkative and positive. Now none of this may be a result of the change of my mindset. However, the more I can detach (I think act instead of react) and not let anything she says rattle me. And she does try to test me. I like men’s version of testing better (we see how much we can drink or beat each other up – so straight forward and you KNOW you are being tested) Ahh but you women out there make life so much more interesting.
- Just a more relaxed environment. I joked with her, was affectionate and expected nothing. Like I said earlier I did get kisses which was good but I didn’t look for it more AS IF and I am the superior man attitude.