No I am not back to lambast you today. Ley us talk some specifics you raised.
R-talks do no good, no good at all. They only lead to disagreement, offense - defense, who is right and who is wrong. Lose - lose behavior. Stop them.
You both should be listening right now anyway. By listening I mean with all senses, not just hearing.
The LRT? I don't believe that is what you need. LRT means withdrawing youself from her. But that is what she hits you with. You not helping, too much time on the computer (that is avoidance regardless of what you are doing on the computer. Avoidance is weak behavior, requiring no assertiveness or courage. My avoidance was booze). A 180 for you here is to give more of yourself to her and the family. By action, not words.
I think on one of your posts that you referenced Dobson's Tough Love book. Keep that book, you may need it, but not NOW. Tough love shifts the "blame" to her and removes you from the equation. Tough love also means ultimatums and you are not there yet.
This is not about her affair. It is about your entire M. A marriage takes two. Now is the time to focus on your part in all this and what you must do to address your issues. Look within. How can you fix YOU? How can you better your *inner game*?
That is why I agree with frank_D that Retrovaille may be good but not NOW. You need to work on you first.
(BTW, frank and I get into heated disagreement at times. But I also try to listen to him - I learn TONS of stuff even if I do not agree.)
DB techniques are just that - techniques. I am studying other techniques - like how to date again. But technique is useless unless you have your inner game together. Who I am behind the *pickup* line is what is going to get me into a successful R. What you stand for as a man behind the DB is what will save your M or not. That is very important - I wish Michelle made that point clear in her book.
This is worth repeating b/c the title of this thread says it - "my life don't fit the book". Don't focus on techniques or the quick fix. YOU write the book. Techniques help with your outer game but inner change comes from within. Work on your inner game first. Rewrite that book to suit the man you want to be.
