new here and really worried

[littlebitlost]

Thank you guys.

At this point my children are so very young, I dont see any real change in them.

Wanted to post something for you guys to read. It is a letter than my mother wrote me and probably offers great insight into me from someone looking in. Here it is.

Date: Tue, 19 Aug 2007 19:26:08 -0400
Erin,

I have been thinking about our converstion of last night qnd a few others we have had and thought that I would write you my thoughts so that I could get them all out.

You may consider this a 2x4 if you wish and stop reading any time you like. Here are3 my thoughts and observations.

You are all about immediate gratification
- you want to know how long A is going to make you suffer ... but you want no review of what you have done to him over the past year or more [and I can relate many things that were extremely selfish and cruel - though I don't believe that was your intent just that your focus was solely on your feelings and wants at the time of your cruelty -and I use that word with heartfelt intent based only on things that I saw and heard you do during the times you were here at family gatherings and occasionally at your home. I can only imagine what else happened in privacy].

HOW LONG AGO did you say to him that you wanted to get back together - I am not sure that you can count the time when he thought what you were saying was "you didn't want to lose the HOUSE which was his original read on your reconciliation focus NOT him."

HOW LONG have you been willing to admit your issues and look at ways to deal with them??? actually been participating in counselling - which he has been very cooperative in helping you access [and he requested you go for with or without him for HOW LONG before you left actually I believe he had stopped mentioning it before you left because, as he told me, it made you so angry - YOU WERE NOT CRAZY and by the way still are not.] You haven't even made it through the first session and you want him to make commitments now.

HOW LONG have you honored/kept the promise to deal with your issues and talk to him about your progress BUT not about the RELATIONSHIP???? You want his answers/promise/commitment now but have not made or lived up to any of your own. HE doubts that you can [commitment being one if what he sees as your biggest issues] and everytime you do this you prove to him tht he is right in distancing himself and then you blame him for holding out on you. ****ON the commitment issue, I think that you often found it hard to make commitments cause subconsciously you weren't convinced that you woud be here to fulfill them due to your issues with your health and fear of dying or being incompasitated - so there was no point or your didn't really commit because you didn't think it would have to be for long anyway -same reason****

Think about this one .... A goes over to Dana's house because there is a showing and she is there for him letting he and the kids use her space. He voluntarily tells you that nothing changed during his vacation with her which would mean that they are emotional friends and you demonstrate that you are not there for him but for you because you push him again about the relationship. if he is making comparisons between you - Dana goes away on a holiday with him for financial and emotional support and in spite of what she may want doesn't push him for more [ast least not sucessfully if he is to believed]. You have a very huge growth week and are proud of your accomplishments, have some great things for him to read on your thread or just to tell him about and then you push the relationship. Why couldn't you tell him about the running and the medical strength and how you didn't succumb to the usual panic or let it incompacitate you???? that is what he is waiting to hear. How will he know how you are growing - take these opportunities to tell him.

- You have made great strides this last little while and made some great plans. YOU have to walk that talk now and show yourself that you mean it.

Anyway, I love you with all my heart. I am sorry that your father offended Aaron. He was just feeling indignant and protective of you.Take care.

Mom

Erin,

I was going to attach this quote to the bottom of the last e-mail but by the time I went away and didn't immediately find my purse, went to the bathroom, walked past the computer again, I forgot that thst was what I was going to do. I have now remembered


Here goes....

Happiness cannot be travelled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude.

Happiness is not having what you want, but, wanting what you have.

Mom