markyb your comment above is correct. I will not argue with you about it. But, I have been down that cheeseless tunnel, the one you are walking down right now and you know what I found down there, nothing that I was looking for. My wife was not there. I found only self pity, anger, resentment, sadness and loneliness.
Originally Posted By: markyb
If my W put just 1/10th of the positive emotional energy into or M that she is putting into OM, who knows what may have been possible.
Can that be said about you/us also. If you/we had put 1/10 of the positive emotional energy into our M that we are trying to put in to it now, would our S ever need to look for someone else to fulfill their needs???
We gave our S the reason to feel the way they do today. We were not filling their needs, whether or not the they told us is irrelevant. If we would have been filling their needs, then there would not be any need for them to tell us. Granted, most likely, they were not filling our needs either and both them and us got lazy and were waiting for the other to do something. Well they got tired of waiting for us to do something and now they are trying to move on to greener pastures.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
You are right that her needs were not being met. Neither were mine but the only difference is I didn't choose to go outside our M and break up our family. I care about my M and we did get lost for a while but one has a responsibility to give their M all of their efforts and not run for the exit when their S doesn't meet their expectations. My W left me and now I only see my children once a week AND she always has her hand out constantly for money.
All these WAS get a free pass because they can justify their actions by pointing blame. It is a load of garbage that one person can make a decision that effects many others for a lifetime.
How dare my W say "we both wanted out of this marriage, I was the only one to say the words". Since when does she get to speak for me!!! She bails out and says that I wanted out also so she can have her fantasy life with her piece of garbage OM.
Great lives we end up with!! We all here are trying to make things work and our WAS just go about there lives and don't care about the family just looking to be sure their "emotional needs" are met. So they find adultery to be the solution. So what if children only live with one parent. As long as their "emotional needs" are being met they won't bail out and commit adultery!!
I hope you all will excuse my rant but I keep seeing my D5 crying when I have to leave her. I see the disappointment in her eyes.
Me: 41 W: 40 D5, S4 Bomb Dropped: 7/8/2007 Status: W has moved out with kids 8/25/2007
I look back on my sitch and don't remember my W offering to help or just come to me in a positive way to express how much our M and family meant to her. Instead she just gets more and more angry and resentful then decides to drop the bomb when there is someone else showing interest in her. When I asked my W why she didn't talk to me she said, "because I don't like conflict". WHAT!!! She would rather cash in her chips and convince herself that our M is not worth the effort and find OM to replace me!!
"because I don't like conflict" REALLY means "Because I am not mature enough or confident that my ideas are valuable" Marky, she has to actually STAND UP to a man when she talks to you about things in the past. Look at her history. Look at her model for a marriage - her parents. Her mother doesn't talk to her father about things, she just quietly keeps supporting the family.
Your W is not capable of being in a marriage where there are any 'for worse' times. She's a 'take care of me' type. Not a whole person.
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All these WAS get a free pass because they can justify their actions by pointing blame. It is a load of garbage that one person can make a decision that effects many others for a lifetime.
uh, no - they do not get a FREE PASS. If that's what you think then you're mistaken. People on the board and other places have learned to UNDERSTAND what is going on, and to REALIZE that going balls out and kicking the WAW's A$$ will do nothing to get you closer to your goals.
You don't CONDONE anything that is happening, you just don't FIGHT over it. You draw BOUNDARIES and 'Deal Breakers' but stop the conflict.
Think about how you would deal with a difficult client that you NEED to keep as a client. You'd stop them from abusing your charity, but you'd also be tactful and non combative.
NO FREE PASS.
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How dare my W say "we both wanted out of this marriage, I was the only one to say the words". Since when does she get to speak for me!!! She bails out and says that I wanted out also so she can have her fantasy life with her piece of garbage OM.
Why do you believe anything she says? You totally understand why she says these crazy things: "so she can have her fantasy life with her piece of garbage OM." DUH!
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Great lives we end up with!! We all here are trying to make things work and our WAS just go about there lives and don't care about the family just looking to be sure their "emotional needs" are met. So they find adultery to be the solution. So what if children only live with one parent. As long as their "emotional needs" are being met they won't bail out and commit adultery!!
THat's because they are damaged souls.
Your goal is to make sure that she feels the consequences of her actions. She loses YOU also. She doesn't get access to a blank check. Go find out what she is LEGALLY entitled to and set up a separation agreement now.
Bottom line is we can choose to either dwell on the what ifs, the whys, the blaming, the finger pointing, the self pity, the shame, the pain, the fear, etc. etc. etc. blah blah blah... Or we can put on our big boy pants and do something about it.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
I hear what you are saying but all I can do is sit back and take it!!
What I need to do or not do...
1)I am not supposed to talk about R/M 2)I am not to bring up OM 3)I am to make changes to better myself 4)Be there for my kids(absolutely)!! 5)I get to see my kids cry when I leave them with my W
My W....NOTHING
Me: 41 W: 40 D5, S4 Bomb Dropped: 7/8/2007 Status: W has moved out with kids 8/25/2007
You act as if you are powerless and there is nothing that you can do but sit there and be walked on. Well brother that is a load of BS. You have all the power and ability to make a difference. There are so many positive steps and actions you can take that do not include R talk, OM talk. Your hands are not tied like you think they are, only your brain is. You need to untie it and make a difference and not sit back feel like you are helpless.
I know how you feel. I have been where you are (minus the OM) I have and I still am struggling with my son's emotions (also 5). But, I have decided not to make a bad situation worse by feeling helpless and full of self loathing. It took me awhile to get to that point, but let me tell you I am sure glad I have gotten there and you will be also. But no one else is going to do it for you. You have to get there on your own. Willpower, self respect and confidence that is what it will take. Strangely enough those are also all qualities that attract a woman to a man.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Markyb, I haven't read your stitch in a while, but regarding why your W was asking you how you are doing, etc. You wondered why she is suddently showing "interest".....this is just a wild guess, but if you are still handing over the money....brace yourself. Sounds to me like she could be planning to tell you about something expensive she "needs". I agree with the others here that you need to get advice ASAP from a lawyer and stop supporting her lifestyle. There surely are ways to support the children without her spending it however she wishes. At lease there would be boundries. Don't allow her to sweet-talk you, lay guilt trips or any other female tricks that she may try. Know your rights and the law. It could be that it is nothing at all about money. She may have been mad at OM those two times.....who knows. ((hug)) If, however, you begin to see a consistant change in good behavior toward you....then you might want to think in more postive terms. Just my thoughts, for what its worth.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
BZZT! She is facing the consequences of her actions slowly but surely. and as you change things, she HAS to change. That's how interpersonal communications work.
You're just pissed because you want her to 'do something to make this better'. Well that ain't gonna happen because SHE is not a woman who has the character to 'do something'. If she WAS, she WOULD HAVE.
Stop whining and letting the 'little boy' control your feelings. She isn't getting a 'free pass'. She's lost HER home, HER marriage and HER family. She just doesn't 'see' it yet. But she WILL.
Meantime, you're all pissed because you got hurt and feel abandoned.
Well, go ahead and take her to task, don't give her anything, be sure to be angry with her whenever you talk to her. See how far that gets you.
Or, take care of YOU, realize she's not logical or sensible, and that she hasn't been much support for you for a long time.
She's doing WRONG right now and you have no say in it except that YOU won't approve, support her or participate.
WHAT IS HER PROBLEM!!! I made my usual call to my kids to say goodnight. Then, my W gets on the phone and starts the "money talk" again. It is amazing how she gets on me for money when she starts running low. I give her money every week as we agreed and she gets annoyed when I am not running over there with cash. I have been following her spending since we have linked accounts and she went through $300($80.00 gas alone) in 48 hours. She said that we should get a L so we can get something on paper. This way, she says, we can start to become friends again. She says that I know how she hates to ask me for money and that it must be a control thing for me. So let me see...you move out, I can see my kids for 1 day a week, you start a R with OM, and because you have our children(which you point out to me constantly) I am supposed to be your ATM!!
I have been totally supportive and given even more for my D5 school, my W's school and other expenses. It is just amazing how she will make me out to be the bad guy at any chance she gets. To think we were actually "in love" before is almost hard to believe.
Last edited by markyb; 09/28/0705:26 AM.
Me: 41 W: 40 D5, S4 Bomb Dropped: 7/8/2007 Status: W has moved out with kids 8/25/2007
You have got to set a limit of what you are to give her. Maybe getting something drawn up by a lawyer is not a bad idea if you two cannot agree on how much.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
