Going, Do not dodge my question. I will ask for the third time.
Have you read or do you plan to read the Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy books?
We all understand what you are going through. Each person that has posted to you has walked in your shoes. Are you ready to stop wallowing in self pitty? I have been on this board a long time. Witnessed a lot of pain. I am going to paste in a post from the Lost Dutchman. No current posters will remember him but I do. This guy had every right to talk the way you do.
Quote:
My apologies, sorry I have not posted in sometime...my health has declining over the past 7 weeks...extremely tired, more pain and a complete loss and interest in food...Basically I am living on pain meds and fell I am just living on borrowed time.
Chemo is completed and I am in a holding pattern right now....I have an appointment in 3 weeks to determine where I stand in recovery...I know and feel the answer to this question already
I was “seeing” the nurse...but I ended-up pushing her away from me. I am not interested in getting “close” to anyone and I don't want to hurt anyone ...she is turn says that I am being completely selfish and feeling sorry for myself. I said whatever and that I don't need or want anyone and she was free to leave...she did and I have not heard from her in over 2 weeks..oh well, thanks for the memories...that really is what life is, just a bunch of memories right?...good ones and bad ones...
No response ever from my X on the letter I sent to her atty months back regarding my sitch and no visitation or contact with the children. In 1 week will mark one year since I have seen or talked to the them...seems everytime I try to get visitation or contact with them I catch some form of anger or outlash from the X..So I don't expect to see them ever again. I just don't have the strength or the resources to fight this battle any longer, I am behind on CS/Spousal support and the X has filed contempt charges against me and 2 weeks ago obtained a warrant for my arrest. I called the state and basically explained the sitch, they don' t care, it's all about the $$ so my hands are tied and I can't do anything to change this. I am in debt over 200K, my life insurance lapsed last year when I was going through the D and now is impossible to get when you have cancer, making money when you are sick is difficult and I have liquidated everything to just pay medical insurance and bills. So this just helps to dig my grave and adds to my crappy PMA.
If the cancer is showing no signs of remission or improvement, I don't plan to stay in this world any longer then I really need to. So if the upcoming status is negative I will end-up doing what I need to do in given time-In Oregon, assisted suicide is legal...death with dignity...one doc has already given me what I need when that time comes for me...selfish sure, but I am not going to live like this and become a complete vegetable in my final days-it's about quality, not quanity... My relatives will be here for the Christams Holiday,if I can make it till then, might be the ideal time...
I am not scared to die, nor am I scared to go to hell....life on this earth has been hell...so the physical change in venue won't make a damn bit of difference to me now or later...
The temporary hospice that my friends have set me up is comfortable, but somehow is depressing. I would have preferred to be surronded by my two kids right now...as Mick Jagger said, “...you can't always get what you want...if you try sometime...you get what you need”...I have this, so I am extremely thankful for what I do have.
I want to thank each one of you for your prayers and all of your support during this time, you have taught me so much. I hope that your lives are filled with love and much happiness as you all truly deserve.
A friend of mine has loaned me a laptop and my old hotmail account another_dutchman@hotmail.com has been reactivated, so if you like you can reach me here. As you can understand, I can't give out my number out cause I am a wanted man now....
Love to all-
Lost Dutchman
That was his final post over 6 years ago. Am I trying to minimize your pain? Ask the Dutchman.
