Hi all. Been a while since I posted, but now i move to this forum since my D is coming soon...but not sure why because we still get along like best friends.
Let me explain, I don't know how to link my sitches, but to make a long story short..M 10 years..first five were picture perfect..had our D6...then W and I tried for a S..my family fought it because they wanted my nephew to have a boy to carry on the name instead of me and W...WTF?? Don't ask, I don't understand it either.
I stayed neutral between my W and my family. I know I should have stuck up for W, but didn't. I regret that now. We did have our S2 and things went bad from conception between us ever since. W had an A last August and I had to move out to clear our heads. W said she lost her love for me for the past 2 years and can't get them back.
I am not at the stage she is so getting over her is hard. She just now found a OM she is dating, but she doesn't plan to stick with him long because she is moving out of state due to job promotion. OM is OK with this. So for the next few months anyway, I have to deal that she has moved on with her life, and I know i should too, but keep holding on to hope that we can reconcile later on. She says I can't do that because no one knows what the future holds..we just need to move on..
So I guess my big question is, even though we are like best friends, can it be possible for her to come around again after a while apart minus visitation with my kids? I feel there is so much potential to have a great M or r again with her, but she feels that it would never be the same again if we were together again..
Her analogy to me was..If the house crumbles to the foundation, you can use that to rebuild the house, but in our case, we would always have to drive around the foundation with no new house aitting on it......Does that even make sense?
I know for now I need to move on with dating and such..I just hate the idea that she can't understand to let the past be the past.
Another thing is, we do spend a lot of time together, even though platonic right now because she has an OM. But I feel she is trying to move on, but something just eats at me that she will never say she is 100% done with me for the future.
I know I am reading into it...Ill shut up now and move on with me. It just sucks.
She and i talk a good bit. She tells OM we are like best friends. she also tells me that OM is just like me, but without the history. What? She finds someone to date just like me, but can't see being with me because she feels the history will get in the way and she will never truly be happy.
Whatever. Im trying to get a life, but I hear this and think why is this happening again?
She also lately has been jumping on me for the tiniest little things when it comes to the kids. I don't know whether to ask her or not. Every time i want to talk, she puts up the defenses.
Well, she seems to have been dating OM for two weeks, she says it is sexless, but I know better. She won't even sit next to him or they won't touch each other because she thinks it will hurt my feelings. Well, it might, but what choice do I have in that? I have to deal one way or the other.
I guess I am finally detaching to the point her dating doesn't bother me. I am feeling some much better about me in this process. I feel each time I hurt over my M and detach a little more, I get stronger...its very empowering.
We havent filed yet, probably because neither of us have the money to. But W said she would file if she got into a serious R with someone.
I don't know...I feel so detached, but then still have moments of missing what could have been. I do still love her very much, but realize letting her go is my way of showing her I always will love her.
Chevelle - I feel your pain as your sitch seems very close to mine except that my WAW evidently began to feel like leaving when our D went to college. We also get along great and there are OM in her life (crazy acting on her part - classic MLC).
However, I too continue to believe there is hope, but perhaps also realize that I need to move on.
Not sure if I can add anything here as I actually just started reading this site and the D process is beginning to get in motion, but when I saw your thread your sitch and feelings appear very similar to mine.
I have even read that between 6-14% of divorces actually end up getting remarried. I love my W as she is a very impressive person who in my opinion is going through great problems.
Sorry for the ramble here. Like you, I guess I need to continue to detach. It is so hard as I truly miss my best friend.
I hope the best for you.
Me: 48 Ex-W: 45 M: Nov '96, together since Oct 93 Bomb: on 10-yr anni - Nov '06 OM Separated: mid-Feb '07 Divorced mid-July '08 One daughter - 28 XW living w/OM
Its hard to see that it is so possible for the two of us to work things out, but I guess when they are not into it, they are not into it.
Funny thing is though, I don't know if God is in your life, but certain things I pray for to find out where we are headed become clearer when it comes to the prospect of reconcilation. I could be reading into it wrong, but it is not a coincidence.
I am doing better every day. One day at a time. Thats all you can do. GAL for yourself and let her make up her own mind....just try not to hold out or miss out on anything.
Good luck to you too, I know both of us will come on the other end better than our S.
but I guess when they are not into it, they are not into it.
That is what she has said essentially 'I do not have that loving feeling for you'. Whatever.
You are right that we have to GAL and let them go. It is just so painful missing her.
Actually, one of the positives in this whole mess is that I have reconnected with God and attend church regularly, including bible study. I am by no means a bible beater, or judgemental, but simply want to learn more. My WAW actually seems a little annoyed that I am now into going to church, whereas during our marriage I showed no interest, which is something I now regret.
Quote:
I could be reading into it wrong, but it is not a coincidence.
Could you please elaborate on this statement - what exactly is not a coincidence?
I know we will come out alright, and I can not help but believe that my W will one day have regret. Who knows though, I could be wrong.
Thanks and good luck to you as well.
Me: 48 Ex-W: 45 M: Nov '96, together since Oct 93 Bomb: on 10-yr anni - Nov '06 OM Separated: mid-Feb '07 Divorced mid-July '08 One daughter - 28 XW living w/OM
I just mean that, when I found God, I realized everything happens for a reason....therefore, I don't rely on karma or coincidence. I lean on God and pray at least once a day to help me and He does.
I also won't speak like a Bible beater, but I know I wouldn't be where I am at now without Him.
Funny thing is.. My W seems to be no better off with the OM than she was with me..but I also feel she hides a lot from me. She still feels like she is hurting my feelings by divulging too much information...WTF??..like she didn't hurt my feelings enough already, but that is another story.
Anyway, W seems to go through the motions with the OM...doesn't seem thrilled to have me gone. She has always talked to me like a best friend through all this, but now with OM, she talks to me only if there is something children-related or business-related....nothing personal. Maybe it is for the best.
I will say this without rambling too much, I really am feeling better about me, realizing they are her issues, not mine, and the less i know about W and OM, the better. Sure I get lonely, but right now, other than putting most of my focus on my kids and my new job, I don't mind being alone.
Sounds strange, but the prospect of dating scares the sh*t out of me, and I really don't think I would be a good time with another woman other than platonic company. I file the dating card away each time I get lonely, and pray, of course.
Good luck again, let me know things go with you..its nice to talk to someone who is going through the same sitches.
I understand and agree. My W used to find a reason to call all the time (house, daughter, $), but now that we have sold the house she does not call as much. However, this also coincides with her meeting a guy while on a girls weekend (I snooped and found emails, pictures etc..).
I too realize this is her problem that she has to deal with. I have some trouble with the everything happens for a reason theory. We got married relatively late (me 34 and her 32), which I am attempting to associate with maturity I guess, our D is now out of college, etc.. I was looking forward to paying down our significant credit card debt and living a happy life together. We love to entertain and do things and people love to be around us.
Back to the theory - in past relationships I knew that perhaps I should not be in them (I was 24, she was 19 in one relationship, while another was clearly a rebound with another younger girl - I was 29 she was 22), but I really have a hard time seeing what could be the reason for my W and best friend to walk away after 13 years together.
Oh well, like you, I will continue to pray for guidance. I agree that it is good to know others are in the same sitch. The prospect of dating scares me as well - I would have been happy to live the rest of my life with this women and actually used to talk about a 50 yr anni - I would be 84 - ha!
Off to church right now and then try to keep busy - Sundays are always difficult.
Me: 48 Ex-W: 45 M: Nov '96, together since Oct 93 Bomb: on 10-yr anni - Nov '06 OM Separated: mid-Feb '07 Divorced mid-July '08 One daughter - 28 XW living w/OM
I respect and completely understand your view. My take is I guess, that I believe in God very much that He has a plan for us, and although we might not see it right now, it will turn out for the better for us in the end. Our problem is that God also doesn't mess will free will, so our Ws can do whatever sometimes and leave us shaking our heads as to why this is happening.
My take at first to feel like I was being punished for neglecting my duties as a husband. I admit, my W tried to reason with me on things, but now I realize I could have done much more after I had time to dissect what went wrong. Not that Im placing all the blame on me. Did I deserve for my W to have an A to understand how bad it was? Absolutely not. Even she will say that. But I also feel that maybe God was trying to tell me some things in hindsight maybe, that I won't know until later on..
1. My W and I are not compatible at anything more than friends.
2. I needed to realize that I had issues to work out before I could be a good H to any women.
3. That in time, I will find that right woman and with my self-changes, will have that loving M I should have had the first time around.
Maybe it sounds crazy. I don't know. But I do know I need to take it a moment and minute at a time. Who knows....my W could come back to me somewhere down the road, and I could be still single and we could get together again and work out the issues that destroyed our M. But I can't sit around and watch paint dry waiting for that to happen as much as I want to.
I guess my point is, I feel God said.."Look, you made your mistakes, this is what happened. Now, take a good look at yourself and find ways to resolve your issues before you try again with someone else so you don't make the same mistakes again."
Keep your head up, JMC. I know its easier said than done. I have for the most part, accepted my impending D. But I still have that lonesome wish and prayer that W will reconsider and that why she can't see that what she is doing is going to do more harm than good. And letting her know that still gives me the cold shoulder because she still has resentment. She still can let go of the past with us.....still won't realize I am not the same man she saw a year ago.
Sorry, got a little long, got on a rambling kick again. Good luck, JMC. Im praying for ya, no matter which way your sitch goes.
