What to do with a fence-sitter

[Dom R]

Joie,

i saw you post this on another thread too. so i thought it was worth bringing it up to you.

you wrote:

He says he talked to me [about problems in our marriage]but really what he did was criticize and put me down.

it sounds like you werent listening to him. and you still dont want to listen to him fully.

Wouldnt it be more accurate to say, that he talked to you about problems, AND he put you down?

Also.. how is it possible to talk about problems in a marriage, (if some of the problems are due to your behaviour), without criticizing you? I dont see how that is possible.

To be honest about things you were doing wrong, he has to say in some shape or form, "These are things you are doing wrong".
That is, by definition, criticism. "You are doing something wrong".
There's no way around that.

He even made comments in front of my family like 'you never want to touch me', etc. It was so horribly embarrassing. He did nothing but further the divide between us.

again there.. sounds like you werent listening, and still dont want to admit it.

Another perspective on what he did:

"First, he tried talking to you in private about it. You didnt listen to him. So then, he tried talking about the problems in front of other people, to try to get you to finally change your behaviour. That didnt work either."

Yes, he deliberately tried to use "shame", to get you to change your behaviour. No, it didnt work, and made you more angry and divide you more.

Yet at the core, wasnt it your behaviour that triggered his, in that area?

-----------------------------------

I know you're going through a very tough time right now. I know you are really trying to improve yourself, and your marriage.

I think that you will have difficulty in improving your future, however, until you fully acknowlege your part in your marital past.

both to yourself, and to him.

You might consider apologising to him, for not listening to him, when he tried to communicate with you.

Yes, he did it badly.
But he did try.
It's more than some men do.