What happens when we want to be the WAS? HELP!!!

[25yearsmlc]

Lisa,

After what you've been through, and the time it has taken for him to wake up at all, (and the fact that you were pregnant is such an aggravating factor...) of COURSE you are confused.

Welcome to "Piecing". I don't have all your issues (though my h went partly nuts and then moved to Alaska for a year, so 2 years of crap + doubts before hand) but I am in piecing and I also feel great confusion. I tell myself love is a choice, and I must choose to love my h until I "Feel" it again. But I see him in a different light b/c he is NOT the man I thought he was, or he wouldn't have done this. Period.

So, do your h's human flaws, and the fact that he is not who you thought, mean you MUST divorce him? I hope not. Now, if your h keeps on lying, first take Was2Sad's advice well in hand and see how your h reacts. My h also lied to me about some important issues. That probably was the worst of all the crap I went through, --not trusting him to tell me the truth.

He now makes an effort to include me. I now find myself "fudging" things a lot and not feeling guilty. THAT part of me is probably childish and petty. But hey, I'm here, in Alaska, working full time...so I guess I feel that since I came up here for him, (like you letting your h back home) there is a part of me that feels h should shut the heck up about whatever I want b/c he put me through so much, he owes me...

This "owes me" feeling I have is NOT helpful, I'm finding. I do need to focus on the positives and Was2's comments about your H learning that the pain of honesty is less than the pain of getting caught lying, is soooo true. You have to make it true. It's so hard.

My DB coach said many of the LBSers in Piecing end up having their own little MLC's and I think that's true. I find myself looking a lot at MY life, where I am and where I had wanted to be, and I'm now in a hurry for MY life and my kids', not to be ruled or controlled by whatever h is doing or seeking. You know, "What about me and what I dreamed about, and wanted??" It's our own version of their past poop. We have to do better though. Even if we end up getting divorced, we can do better than we are.

LIke you, I learned to be happy without H, and now that we're again together, it isn't ALL great. Parts of it are good, but my patience is short. I know that it is good for d10 to have him around. And He is different too. He missed us and I know your h missed the kids at least at times. My h has pent up demand for family time. He is too controlling and I have to fight the urge to tell him off a lot. I have anger about being mistreated. Yep, that's a fact. We don't have amnesia. We weren't high on glue. THEY LEFT US WITH CHILDREN to do whatever they wanted and lied about it.....

So, now they have tried to re-group. They've said they're sorry, hopefully. They've promised to try harder and not to repeat the same hurtful behaviors. Okay. Assume they can change, b/c WE have changed so we know it's possible...

Here's a thought or two. In time, IF the new behaviors occur and stay, my hope is that I will see the man he once was, and that he can be again. I have to encourage the positives even when they seem minimal to me. Can you do this? Can you give yourself a time limit, OR goal? My first one is Christmas. To "act as if" until then and to look around and assess, when the holidays come. Even if I find I want out, I won't just leave then. But I plan on NOT obsessing about the M until then, and trying to just live and be okay and have fun with d10, and keeping in touch with d18 and s21 who are away at college and amazed I am here at all. Maybe if we work out, the kids will have learned a lot about forgiveness. I am. I am not as good at it as I hoped. But I am working on it. My real goal is making it through the school year for d10, who seems to be happy about being here for a year or two. She has friends and plays with h, although he is much more strict than I am and d10 is not nearly as compliant or obedient to h as the older kids were. No surprise there, as he wasn't at home for 2 years of her short life....So, we'll assess the jobs here, the area, OUR M, and whether we should move one more time. And what my new career plans are, will also develop. But I don't have to think about it, NOW. You don't have to decide anything NOW or by Tuesday at 10 pm....Take more time.

Lisa, you've had it worse than me in so many ways and you are younger and have so much more life ahead. Those are arguments for, and against, kicking him out. But your baby is only 4 months old. My God, that is so tiny. It'd be good for her to bond some with him, if nothing else. HE needs to feel like there are 5 little kids who love him, warts and all. As you watch his loving interactions, can you let that feeling of love or kinship grow into ---who knows what? I love the fact that h is in bed and I'm not alone at night. That's a good thing that is also in your life, correct?

As for his travels, why not assume he IS faithful? Why not assume he is going to the work related activities, eats dinner, and goes to his hotel room where he gets to hog the remote control, order room service, looking forward to the phone call from home to talk to you and say good night, and then maybe watch some "private" time movies, and then sleep? Why assume he is only focussed on getting some sex from a stranger? Is he a sex addict? Remember that he wanted you to come. Worst case scenario, he needs you there to reinforce his commitment, which means he sees his weakness. OR he simply wants some couple time together, also not a bad thing.

I used to travel for work and must say that when the kids were little, I LOVED knowing I could sleep through the night, watch the news or a tv show of my own, (not Sesame Street...or teletubbies, etc.) eat in bed, etc. I felt a little guilty, but that passed. My own h is usually exhausted from meeting people and listening to the seminars, etc. I doubt your h is partying all the time and he DID ask you to come. That was really important, and good and I hope you get to spend some time together as a couple, away from the kids. SOON... It's really important. Please try to get some time together as a couple b/c even if you DO want out, eventually, you'll know sooner. It will give you hope, or clarity, or both.

Good luck,
j-