Good morning everyone. I sound terrible and can barely make people hear what I'm saying so I may have to type in caps....lol. Anyway, I hope after going to the doctor yesterday that I'll be better in a few days. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I know it doesn't appear that I am doing much "action" toward my MR, but I am trying to see the positive things in my H and not focus on the negative. I am listening to tapes and still reading on all those books I've ordered. That may take a while since I keep ordering new ones....lol. Anyway, we don't get into fusses or sound angry at each other like we were for a long time, so I think that is progress. We seem to feel comfortable around each other now and we do treat each other a lot better. I do need to stop spending so much time on the board every night and try to spend more time with him watching TV.....which I have been more than I was, but it's still not enough. I just don't care much for TV anymore. He usually falls asleep about thirty minutes after he sits down, so then I get on the computer. I used to try to get him to play a board game with me....I love games, but I finally gave up. As I've said, he just doesn't do anything like that and never has. I think before a couple marries, they do things with the other one, even though they don't particular enjoy it. Since they don't tell you they don't like doing that sort of thing, you assume that they do, so after you get married, it is somewhat of a dissapointment to discover they are pretty much a "stick in the mud" about anything fun to do. But after 41 years, I should be used to it. I think that is one reason I spend so much time on the board every night, not just for the encouragement, but b/c I don't want to just sit and watch TV.....I know you are going to say (DomR) to use that time to cuddle, etc. Well, I'm trying to do better in that area when I'm not so sick I can't stand it. (And, please don't tell me again that I'm using that as an excuse....that's not fair.) Everyone handles their sickness in different ways, and I realize that I am kind of like a hurt dog when I'm sick and just want to be left alone. Besides, I don't want him to think that I just want to be near him or make him feel that I "use" him when I am sick. He has been feeling kind of poorly himself lately. I sure hope we both don't get down at the same time. He has always been the "rock" as far as being there for all of our family. The kids, me, his brother, and mom (when she was alive) he goes with everyone to the doctor, etc. In fact, I got a little put out with his brother for "using" him for that when my H needed to be working instead of going with my BIL to the doctor while SIL worked! He hardly ever goes with me to the doctor b/c he has taken off work so much for everyone else. He offers, but if I'm able to get my mom or drive myself....I know he needs the work.
I said most of all that to let you see that good side of him. There have been so many, many times that I just could not "deal" with our D's illness or other problems after I got my own health issues. The day in/day out grind on one's nerves. As I've told some of you, she and I have kind of a personality conflict and have to "work" at our R.....she is more of a "daddy's" girl. So, I let "daddy" handle her most of the time and I handle the Son and grandkids....lol. Also, I think it still bothers me a lot that she found out about the OM. She doesn't appear to hold any grudges, but I still feel somewhat uncomfortable around her. I guess it will just take time to heal.
Speaking of OM, I am counting down to my three month date of no contact. I think .......no, I know that I am going to make it now! There were times I felt so weak and wondered if I would...but between God, my family, and you all here on the board...I've made it. I would come here and just start reading...sometimes the very first posts that I sent and those good folks that responded very quickly to me giving me the advice I needed. So now, I look for anyone that may be a potential WAW that I might can try to help. I worry that I may not always give the right advice at times, but if anyone can learn from my experience, I hope it will help.
Hope you all have a good day.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know the your illness is real. I also know that your diet, self care, exercise etc... are factors in how you will do with any chronic illness. Do you take good care of yourself? What would it take for you to do that? These are questions I am asking myself since this last pregnancy brought with it a diagnosis of Graves disease j- although I am currently ok and so are my thyroid hormones I have become very aware of how important I am in that equation and that only I can be responsible for taking care of myself.
Good for you for not contacting OM. You do understand that in a way he was just a psychological pawn... Like it or not you used him to deal with unmet needs, psychological pain and a myriad of insecurities. Maybe he is a great guy. Doesn't matter. If you had an honest parting of the ways with your H then met him - different story but since you didn't the R with him was about you not him and you are better off to clean up your own house before embarking on any R. If you try as hard as you can in this M, learn and understand yourself better and it just doesn't work you are then free to explore a R. Not to point out the obvious but when you get to feeling weak and missing him remember it isn't him you are missing - it is you!
It sounds to me, like you are on a very good path "We seem to feel comfortable around each other now and we do treat each other a lot better. " It makes me really glad to hear that ! IT's not a race, it's a journey. sounds to me, like you are travelling in a good direction
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I know you are going to say (DomR) to use that time to cuddle, etc. Well, I'm trying to do better in that area when I'm not so sick I can't stand it. (And, please don't tell me again that I'm using that as an excuse....that's not fair.)
I completely understand the urge to just kinda "hide" when you are sick. I'm not at all suggesting that you try to get your husband to come sit with you all day while you are feeling bad. Rather, I'm suggesting that, every once in a while, you allow yourself to feel his comfort and support for you, by his presence close to you. Even just a few minutes, is maybe all I'm suggesting.
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He hardly ever goes with me to the doctor b/c he has taken off work so much for everyone else. He offers, but if I'm able to get my mom or drive myself....I know he needs the work.
One of the biggest, most valuable gifts you can give your husband... is the gift of letting him take care of you. If he offers, then let him show you that you are just as important as all those other people, to him. He may "need the work", but he needs YOU, more.
I'm really glad you are seeing the good side of him more. It's too bad about the evening stalemate of TV vs board games. Betcha there are other things that people your age can do at night, though. (and for once, I'm not talking about you-know-what )
Have a great weekend, and hope you feel better soon.
I'm going on a family trip, with my children and wife this weekend.
Last edited by Dom R; 09/28/0703:52 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Hi DomR.........another family trip! That is great! I sure wish you lots of fun. And, you know I pick at ya a lot when I say some of the things I do. I know you care or you woldn't keep coming back to help me.
Have a good time!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank You Karen for responding. I have had you on my heart so much. I am reading The Worn Out Woman and thinking about you. It really concerns me how young families have so much on their plates these days. I didn't know about the Graves disease also! You really do have a lot to deal with. I knew I was talking a lot about my health problems, b/c they really do effect my family life in every way....as I'm sure you know how that is from your own experience. I have found people here to be compassionate that I have not found in my work place, and that has helped a lot.
I haven't been eating properly lately, maily b/c I don't feel like actually cooking when I get home and my H usually has to cook or we get take-out. I cook when I can, but it's not often enough to be considered healthy. I was walking for a while and trying to do light exercise and it seem to help. I had surgery and that had to stop for about 8 weeks and it seems like I've been sick with one thing or another ever since and haven't gotten back to the exercising. However, I made myself a note today to start back with the stretches and hand weights (only 3lbs)but that is all I can do for now. With a bad back and the Fibromyalgia I can't do much more than that with weights. I had really looked forward to the autumn weather so I could get back to walking, but then the allergies and sinus infection has knocked me for a loop the past two weeks....lol. Doesn't that sound like a bunch of excuses? Anyway, I am serious, b/c I don't want to gain back the weight I had lost. I had lost almost 20 pounds during this past year and I know it is not healthy for me to be over-weight. Plus, I think I've become a little "vain"...lol. I'm just kidding, I need to loose a lot more, but I will try to be realistic about my goal.
I was reading a site that Corri told me about.......the thyroid hormone thing and how it could possibly effect Fibromyalgia. I have an appointment with my Doctor on the 4th and I'm thinking about asking him about it. He is pretty much up on all that, so I'll see how he goes with it.
I have read some about the Graves Disease, but can't remember a lot at the moment. You are in constant pain and suffer from fatigue, don't you? What kind of diet are you on? I would be interested in any help you could provide that you have found to be of help.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sounds like you recognize some things that are helpful for you to do. Light, reasonable exercise is usually a good thing for fibromyalgia sufferers - I think some gentle yoga is recommended. As far as the eating - eating healthy doesn't have to be difficult. Do you have some grocery stores that offer delivery in your area? If you have things at home like fruit, yogurt, skim milk, high fiber cereal, Luna Bars, organic soups, bagged salads, rotisserie chicken and so on then eating healthy becomes MUCH easier.
I am doing ok as far as the Graves goes. I am pretty much in denial of the whole thing. My thyroid immunoglobulin is up but the thyroid hormones themselves are ok and I don't feel bad. I have a high threshold for pain and am generally active, I am tired but I have a 5 month old so............ well, duh, I'm tired. So, I researched the illness and found out that there can be remissions and periods with issues, some people do fine with no meds, others need them, treatment is as bad as the disease itself as it can cause a yo-yo effect on the hormones so I'm not anxious to treat it. Basically, anything I can do to work on my stress, exercise and eat healthy is a good idea. I do pretty well as far as eating is concerned - overall, I eat a whole foods, well rounded diet. It isn't easy because my H doesn't care for veggies at all but I fix them for me and the kids.
I just want to encourage you to do some good stuff for you. In a way this is what OM offered - creating a space where you could be yourself, an individual. You can find that same thing other ways. Have you read any of Mama Gena's books? They are all about pursuit of personal pleasure and a must do for any woman.
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