The long and short is that we've had problems, and we have both done dumb things, me the worst. I have admitted to my mistakes (related to ADHD/possible mild bipolar disorder) taken responsibility for them, and have been getting counseling and meds. I have been going through all of the DB techniques that I can (GAL, 180, etc), giving her space, supporting her need to get a new profession, etc.
We both see the same psychologist/marriage counselor together and alone.
Things have been getting better at home, and I was having some hope that the marriage could be salvaged.
I have been taking bipolar meds to keep my emotions more on an even-keel. The doctor said she doesn't think I have bipolar disorder, but I have been keeping the fact that I was taking the meds from my W. She doesn't want to understand my medical problems, and when our psychologist explains it to her regarding to some of my actions, she doesn't believe him. W has constantly displayed her disdain for people with medically-based mental issues (no I am not crazy, and have a very high IQ-LOL) She dug through the trash and found my prescription bag and asked me about it last night after we had gone to bed. So I told her that the Dr. doesn't think I am bi-polar, but she didn't believe it.
Last night, W stated that too much has happened in the past and that she wanted to find someone to love again, to make her feel pretty. She said that she has been too busy with school to look around for someone else, but she stated that she might. I know she said it to hurt me, but it still hurt very, very much.
I am still very much in love with her, and she knows this. We go out on "dates" and have a good time, but she refuses any physical contact of any kind, and doesn't want any kind of romantic overtures from me. It has been 18 months now. Both the MC and I think that if she allows any kind of romance back into our relationship that she will give up her freedom, and principles.
I am starting to lose hope, I know this is a long process, but what now? I am in such pain.....ack!!!!
Actually AH, there is a person some where on these forums named Alaska.
Do you live in Alaska?
How do you guys do it? isn't it dark there now, most of the time.
That alone would depress me.
You need some sun and orange juice
Anyhoo.
Quote:
Last night, W stated that too much has happened in the past and that she wanted to find someone to love again, to make her feel pretty. She said that she has been too busy with school to look around for someone else, but she stated that she might. I know she said it to hurt me, but it still hurt very, very much.
I think most of all have gotten, this speeck in one way or another.
And you are right, it hurts like heck!
18 months, yup you have been at this for a while.
What can I say? you are doing the right things.
That is all we can do
If you need to take meds, you take them, and don't feel guilty about it.
if your W does not understand, wll that is just to bad.
You have been thru enuff. She has to respect the fact that you have to keep your self feeling ok.
I think you do need to detach a little more.
You are really focused on what she is doing, and saying.
If this is an MLC case, she won't remember things that she tells you.
Let them roll of your back, yup, it's hard, but you will do it.
GaL, and 180's are for you!
Not so that she come back.
She is not your wife now, she is your friend, and she is not your best friend.
Support her yes, But don't fix things for her.
This is a long ride, and who knows when it will end.
Thank God you found this place, you vent here, you cry here, and when you see your Wife, out comes the smile that she loves most about Alaska!
I would read many stitches of this board, there are many people going thru the same stuff as you right now , sweets!
Go, and do something for you, take care of you, take a class in something, i don't know what you would do in Alaska, LOL,
I mean you can go moose watching or something right!
“Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”
Lissett, thanks for the positive thoughts. Actually, I moved from Alaska and live in Ohio(very cold here this week). I am taking classes and am working my way to my Masters in Science.
Yes, I am too focused on her. The big thing is, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop (or start acting like a couple), and am starting to feel that I am wasting my time that I could use completely restart my life.
She literally told me today that all the things that I have done is because I hate her, and that I should admit to the counselor that I hate her. Yeah, I know, she is doing it to hurt me, but after she blows off steam, she is nice to me. Ack.
Hi all. Well Valentine's Day is coming up, and I planning NOT to give her anything. She appreciated Xmas gifts, but I am feeling she won't appreciate this, and it would be part of my 180, as I was (still am) a very romantic guy. I haven't made any romantic overtures towards her, and she seems to like it that way. What do ya think?
Hi all, this is part vent, pity party, and part asking for advice from DB'ers. I think it helps to write this down, as therapy for me.
It's been a long and busy spring. My wife has completed her training for massage therapist and yoga. She had been focused exclusively on this, and the kids have remarked on her failure to participate in family events and holiday traditions, etc. She needed to trake a trip to see her family (overseas) and I adjusted my work and college schedules and used most of my non-existent leave to cover her trip. (Yes I am a martyr). The kids and I had a great time.
She doesn't want anyone to know that we are having marital problems (she was divorced once already). She won't even come into my office as she thinks the whole office knows about our problems (of course they don't). She hasn't worn her wedding rings since 2005, but put them on for the trip to see her parents. I soon expect to see them taken off (she just got in today).
She still wants to stay married for the kid's sake (S13, D10), just not have any emotional or romantic involvement with me, as she plans to start her new business/career. We do things together, chat, have plutonic dates, etc, but just not as a real, married couple. This has been going on since Sep 2005. She has said and done some very disturbing things early on
The Psychologist/Marriage counselor sees us jointly (she doesn't like going to joint sessions, she likes the status quo) and I remarked to him that I feel that she is just waiting to get herself set and then will want a D. He basically agreed.
Last year I had alot of milestones, getting my degree, turning 40, and retiring from the military after 21 years of service. None of these milestones were celebrated at any level by my wife, except for birthday cake (for the kid's sake, I guess).
She hinted that she wanted a specific present for her graduation. I initially was VERY resentful as she had done nothing for me the previous year, but then I realized that I didn't want to be petty, and wanted to acknowledge her accomplishment and hard work (I provided alot of support in studying and helping her with projects). My men's support group and marriage counselor thought it was a great idea. She was relatively suprised and said that she didn't think I was going to get it for her. At her graduation, I was the only one who didn't get to pose for pictures with her. When I picked her up at the airport from her trip, I so wanted to hug her and hold her hand. That, of course, was out of the question.
The counselor has offered to spend an entire weekend with us to attempt some kind of breakthrough with her and work on rebuilding the marriage. She has refused to go on any couples retreats, but this would be private. I told him that if she refused, that I would be filing for D immediately. It has been the most painful two years of my life having her shun me, as I love her very much.
It's the hardest thing in the world that I will ever have to do. He agreed that it would most likely be the best thing, as this may be the only way for her to realize that the marriage WILL be over unless she decides to save it.
I know that everyone has their own idea of when to throw in the towel, but I would appreciate it if anyone can give me feedback and/or advice.
Hi all, well, it's been two years since I started DB. My wife still has no intent on working on the marriage. She still wants to raise the kids together, but that's it. We did go out for dinner, movies, etc, but she has told me that she doesn't want to go out with me ever again, which is a huge change. I don't know what has caused it, but I am ready to throw in towel. The lawyer told me to wait until she gets her career up and running before I file, but she has no need to get serious as I am still paying all the bills. I don't know what else I can do, as our marriage counselor has pretty much given up on her. She has borderline personality disorder, and she has pretty much put alot of things in denial.
Well then Herb, I wish we had something positive to share with you.
Wait, maybe I do. I think that this is when I would positively start working on her mind. Pretend you are no longer living just for her to blink. Pretend you will do WTF you want, when you want ... then go do it. If it gets a reaction out of her, double down.
Live as if she is daring you to. No, better yet, live as if she is Double Dog Daring you to. Radical MLCers do call for radical actions. Dude, it is time for you to get radical.
and orange juice 
