What are you trying to change her mind or the marriage. Because you can change the marriage but you cannot change her mind, she has to do that. With that said, how much disrespect can one man take, you going to let her continue this or are you going to take a stand for Heim. I mean aren't you really sabotaging yourself here (with the snooping)and not getting yourself closer to your goal...well maybe that is your goal and you don't know it yet...maybe just maybe your so pissed off at her that your really going to make sure its over...Have you thought about that??
I am really a nice person and I think you are a good person too and your just trying to make sense of all of this...
I don't mean to be harsh with you I really don't....I just want you to think about Heim and take a stand for him...
Take all that I've said here with a grain of salt ok...or maybe just think about it...or maybe just think I'm crazy....
I've only been db for about 8 months now...but I can tell you this the minute that I gave up on my marriage and truly let it and my H go. Everything changed for me...it was like someone threw a switch in my head... And that is when the real changed started to happen...
Be good to yourself heim you deserve so much and lastly respect yourself.
I have been reading your posts because when I first joined as a newcomer you gave me some good advice. In my sitch I was the one who initiated a separtation and filed for divorce. I have had many moments of panic where I thought I had done the wrong thing but now looking back a bit I realize all of this was meant to happen in order for my H and I to make our marriage stronger. But after I realized the key was working on me and not my husband or the M it was amazing what happened. I became a hot commodity to my husband and not somethng the cat dragged in.
I know the pain you are in right now but the problem is supply and demand - your wife doesn't think you are a hot commodity becuase you are still available to her and she knows you want her...the saddest part is that if you found yourself a lady friend and your wife found out about it she would be begging you to come back. Any prospects in sight or are you not at all ready to date?
I know you're working tonight, but thought I'd chime in again. Heim, your W is in a relationship with someone else. She can't hear you or see any changes you make right now with any clarity.
I'm beating the A horse because you're still hoping it's not happening, and as long as you hang onto that, you're not going anywhere. And you're right: to her it's not an A. It's fine to see things differently, but holding onto the A label is holding you back.
Again, I don't think all hope is lost because of the A, but you seem to. If you can move yourself to the place where you see the A and accept that the A is happening, you'll be in a much, much better position, because you'll be seeing things realistically. You'll know that even mentioning that retreat is doomed to fail and push the W even further away. You won't even entertain the idea.
You know that place that people talk about here, the one you reach where you've accepted where your M is and you're so fine with yourself and the picnic you've created that you're not worrying about whether the WAS will come back? You need to get there. No more pantie raids, no more thinking about the OM, no more mentioning the responsibility you accept for your faults in the M, no more pleading your case and asking for time down the line.
Let it go, Heim. And you know all of this comes with a big ((((Heim))))).
I know the pain you are in right now but the problem is supply and demand - your wife doesn't think you are a hot commodity becuase you are still available to her and she knows you want her...the saddest part is that if you found yourself a lady friend and your wife found out about it she would be begging you to come back. Any prospects in sight or are you not at all ready to date?
I agree on the supply / demand concept, but getting a lady friend is playing with fire. I think in this case, it would just give Heim's W even more justification to rachet up the A a notch.
Lots of great advice here in the past couple of days. Hope you're letting it all sink in.
Hope your weekend is good Heim. Mine started out sucking, but I'm hoping to end it on a good note.
Are you still knocked unconscious from all of those 2x4s! Whew, you took some up along side the head over the last few days, but I just want to remind you that everybody here cares a lot about you. You've been a great support to many here, and everyone just wants to see you make good choices that will give you the best chance at happiness and getting your W back.
Take care and have a good week (sorry about Deuce!)
Ladies, Taking a bit of a break from the board. Digesting some of the advice given last week, considering calling a DBing coach, and trying to recuperate from taking my girls on a 4 mile hike Saturday (I walked 4 miles, they each walked a bit less since they got to ride) and a 14 mile canoe trip with them yesterday (which they did great on, though my youngest freaked out a bit when we almost tipped over, though she clung to her seat. Had to jump out and throw in back in the canoe.)
Been taking the lead on Casey's bday party week after next as a 180 for me. W seems to be appreciative of that.
Still undecided on the A and whether or not I can wait it out.
Killing me watching my girls suffer through this. It's starting to sink in and they are both starting to act differently than normal. Don't know if W sees it because she's in the house, which is home to them. This apt is not home. When with her, they can almost imagine that I'm away for a trip. When they are with me, it's obvious that I have moved out. They are both generally the same, but negative behaviors from both of them are closer to the surface and more intense (anger/temper from the oldest; clinginess/lack of independence from the youngest). If anything gets me to regress and talk to my W about a retro weekend or asking her to put a hiatas on pursuing OM, the way the girls are starting to behave will. I don't know if I'm strong enough to watch them hurt without saying something to my W.
As for me, not checking in over the weekend let me sort of start thinking through some things. I need to be on my own for a while. I lost my sense of self a few years ago. I placed the burden of my happiness on my W. Not totally, but I relied on my role as H and father to define who I was.
I'll pop in here and there, but I've gotta take a break from reading about everyone and focus on me for a little while.
Best to all,
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Whew, you took some up along side the head over the last few days, but I just want to remind you that everybody here cares a lot about you. You've been a great support to many here, and everyone just wants to see you make good choices that will give you the best chance at happiness and getting your W back.