Yes, as frank_D suggests you could have been more assertive but that will come. You did well.
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What makes you all feel good about kicking someone when they're down? I mean what's that about?
If your men cannot lay it on the line then we are no good to you. Reread what you just posted. You are thinking and you are getting stronger. You are pissed and angry. Anger means you are hurt and anger can mean action or depression.
You are choosing action. Action through assertiveness - not aggression.
We are proud of you guy.
You see, guys like frank_D and I get worked up when we see a marriage that has SO MANY indications of it being able to be saved if only the guy will do the right thing.
That is you. Your W is hurt and depressed. Right now in her mind she blames you. OM is simply a "quick fix" (and that IS NOT saying an affair is EVER correct).
"you did not seem to care", "you did not help", "you spent all time on the computer".
Notice, she was not defensive about the OM. She focused on you and the M. She is telling you that she wants YOU to meet her needs, not HIM. She wants YOU to be HER FRIEND - not OM.
Yes, you can save this.
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I want to be married ... I don't have a plan
I would give my right arm to hear that from my W.
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I'm glad you all have your lifes in order and everythings great. Congrats welcome to the board where everyone's so together and with it.
I will be divorced by Thanksgiving. I have been out of my house since May 2006 - 16 months. I see my kids less than 40% of the time. When my W tried to reach out, as yours is doing now, I fu*ked up b/c I did not see it. I was focused on me and not on her. I was being a wuss bag. I was feeling sorry for myself. I was not being a man. I let emotions drive me - not assertiveness and courage.
I lost.
Now I know better. Learn from where I have been, or not.
frank_D has a similar tale. He turned it around in time. With hard work and effort. He went from Wussy to man. Don't take my word for it - read his saga.
That is all we want for you. You can do this.
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I'm not flipping stupid. I know it boils down to that one word - confidence. When I have these talks in my head I'm cool, calm and collected. Clint Eastwood would be jealous. When I look in her eyes and see her hurt and even anger well let's just say the conversation comes out like posted above.
Confidence can only come from courage. The courage to look her in the eyes, look past her hurt and anger, and be her rock. That is so, so hard. We know b/c we have been there.
Courage means showing her with actions, not words.
Courage is doing the right thing. It is not issuing ultimatums, or threats, or pleading, or reasoning. Just do the right thing - for her and for you.
Do it with honor: Honor is KNOWING deep down that you are doing the right thing.
What is the right thing? I think you will figure it out. I read it in your words.
Strength and courage. They are your tools.
Now you are thinking and now she is too. Excellent. Give her some space and formulate your strategy.
Remember what she said: "I want to be married".
Make her continue to feel that way. Make her say "I want to be married to YOU more than anything"
