Since you have a teenager, is there any way you can arrange to do more fun things with your wife. One thing I'd suggest is starting a routine to take a walk together each night. Have your wife finish reading to S, (or maybe right after dinner) and then the two of you take a quick walk around the neighborhood. Avoid relationship talk, just be friends. Ask her lots of questions and be a great listener. The walk will help with two things, 1) it will give you both some time to connect and communicate as friends, and 2) exercise helps increase endorphins which helps with depression.
So.... get that woman off the computer and into some walking shoes!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
ROOT - Been meaning to read through your threads but haven't had the opportunity to do so. Another item for my evergrowing list...
It is nice that D is of age and maturity to look after herself and S - and that S does work with her to behave when W and I can't be there. I have floated the idea of us (meaning all four of us) doing more things together but W isn't too keen on the idea. More often than not, the kids have told me that they don't like seeing me kept out of activities that she does with them. Also, D told me that she is more than a bit afraid of W's reaction if D brings up the subject.
With the cooler weather coming up, W would be even more disinclined to go for an evening walk since she abhors the cold. Even though W has no apparent interest in my activitites/work/life, I make sure that I don't follow that path. I know my "active listening" skills have improved tremendously over the past 5+ years with her so she can't complain that I don't pay attention or that I don't engage her in conversation.
Well, back to the old grindstone...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Still much too busy with work/life but my hectic time is subsiding - may actually be able to post some meaningful items but here are a couple of things:
- SIL (older than W, always been cordial with me) send some family related photos from before everything started going south. Not sure why she did that - shouldn't analyze too much.
- Speaking of analyzing, have another session with IC tomorrow morning. IC is a very good therapist. Found out by accident that W has appointments to see a different IC - wonder if she is having second thoughts about her plans...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Egad - time has flown the past week. Been fighting a pretty bad sore throat / cold since last Friday so have been a bit under the weather.
Positive notes:
Session with IC went rather well - and I got a homework assignment. IC wanted me to think back to the times when I was growing up and my early interactions with W with regards to how I expressed my needs and how they were taken care of. From what I can recall (images of a huge shovel machine working in a strip mine come immediately to mind ), I wasn't that expressive in telling my Mom or Dad about my emotional needs but they usually were supportive and would spend the time with me when I approached them. When W and I were living together early on in our R, I was a bit better in being more direct but I had to keep in mind that W had just ended her 2nd M and had a great deal going through her mind (did she want us to pursue a long term R, did she want to go back to school, etc.) so I was there more for her than she was for me - if that makes any sense. I need to think on that some more before my next session in a little more than a week.
D has expressed an interest in joining the folk dancing group that I belong to - which W was also active in before she dropped it several years ago. Everyone there thinks she would enjoy herself - she did pretty well her first time there and I can work with her at home. I am already involved in Scouts with S - so having a father-daughter weekly activity is a good thing.
Oops - work calls. Hope to post some more later...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
On a whim, I decided to do a search under my old user name and from KAW - who was a long-time poster on the Piecing forum and successfully DBed his M (check out his story some time :)). All of my old threads went off into cyberspace - which is OK - but wish I could revisit them to see where I was and get a better sense of how to proceed.
Anyway - I found this which someone posted and thought I would copy it over for your reading and commenting pleasure.
This is lengthy so bear with me. I found this today - thought it rather interesting and wanted to see what you all thought. Wasn't sure where to put it but decided it would fit here. Also I didn't copy the entire thing as it was way too long.
#1 REAL MEN FEAR REJECTION-REALLY
Most men feel women are very critical of them and worry if they open up someone will laugh at them, leaving them rejected & humiliated. Men's egos are more fragile than a woman's and more easily threatened, especially in an intimate relationship. He craves acknowledgement, feedback & knowing he has pleased you. If he feels you will judge him,he won't talk. Not judging means allowing him to say what's on his mind and simply being willing to hear it. Be patient, you may at some point offer an opinion. A man has to feel truly accepted for who he is, not who you want him to be.
#2. REVEAL YOURSELF AS WELL
There must be mutual disclosure. Show him that you have as much trust in him as he has in you. Give him feedback but don't respond by telling him how wrong he has been looking at something. It's amazing how many men feel tremendously alone. They've been taught it's unmanly to express themselves. Honest and positive feedback is vital.
#3. LET GO OF THE PAST
When you have "discussions" don't let them turn into a litany of past grievances - the things he did wrong, the ways he's hurt you and what he owes you now. Men cringe when they see it coming. Take responsibility for your part in a situation & see the ways in which you might have contributed to what happened. This does not mean blaming yourself. Just look at the entire situation. Focus on what he did "right" instead of what he did "wrong". The ability to forgive may be just as simple as realizing that what was true a year ago about him (and you) may not be true now. Stay focused on the present. True communication requires the ability to remain in the present & let the past be over when it's done.
#4. BECOME A SOLID & SECURE LISTENER
Is it even possible to have honest relationships? The assumption is that everybody's going to be honest. The truth is, few people are. The main reason is that the consequences are too big. Many men feel that women want & need to be lied to because they can't take the honest truth. Men don't want to upset them. Many women use their emotions to control men & the relationship. Ask yourself 3 things 1.)How much of the truth can you tolerate 2.) How much do you really want 3.) Do you want your man to be a fantasy figure to you or are you willing to allow him to become real?
#5. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF-BE AWARE
You can't be true to others if you can't be true to yourself. The best way to help a man to open up is to be open yourself-be natural-be real and exude warmth & acceptance
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
I have floated the idea of us (meaning all four of us) doing more things together but W isn't too keen on the idea. More often than not, the kids have told me that they don't like seeing me kept out of activities that she does with them. Also, D told me that she is more than a bit afraid of W's reaction if D brings up the subject. 
I need to think on that some more before my next session in a little more than a week.