All I'm saying is let's not treat each other like dirt when we all are trying to face our demons. How bout some encouragement?
What do you think was not encouraging about Jeff223's post?? I saw a LOT of positives and some reality.
We're men talking to another man. Do you want us to say "Oh Lester, please be more manly! All is not lost!". Seems like we're talking to a little boy then.
We talk to each other on the board this way.
The biggest problem in this world is the 'Metro-Sexual' Feminist view than men need to be 'kinder and gentler'. BullSh*t.
Men need to be men. Not mean, not arrogant, not abusive, not controlling. Good, Decent, caring, leaders with goals and boundaries who will say what they mean and mean what they say.
Most of us had fathers who didn't teach us how to be men, and we had examples of marriage that were weak.
If you read some of the things I sent you, you will start to get that.
Quote:
Me: Do you still want to be married or do you want to chase after OM?
W: (pause) I want to be married
Me: Well what's your plan then because having a BF and a husband is incompatible with each other. And really fair to no one.
Try "Me: Ok, if you want to be married to ME then your relationship with OM is not acceptable to me. You're either with ME or not. This is interfering with our marriage because you're using OM as an excuse to not spend time with me working on OUR relationship."
Quote:
W: Do you want me just not to talk to MY FRIEND ever again? (thinking: oh great here comes the manipulation and dishonesty)
Me: Yes, that's what I want because staying like this clearly isn't working.
Me: Right now you're using him as an escape from our relationship. It can't work both ways. If he is ANY kind of real man he'd understand that your marriage is more important than his playtime with you.
Quote:
Me: I DO really care about you when you're down. I just didn't know how to help you back up.
W: You didn't seem to care. You didn't help me with the kids in the morning; you didn't help me around the house. You just spent all the time on the computer.
Me: I know I should have helped more. Strike that. I should have carried my fair share and I'm sorry. I've looked inside myself lately and found that there's things I don't like about the way I was. I'm not where I WANT TO BE but I'm getting there. I'm sorry for not doing what I should have.
W: (skeptical, of course) You just want things to go back to how I did everything and your life is comfortable.
Me: No, actually what I want is a better life. I don't EVER want to go back to how it was (where she felt neglected and actually so do I for a lot longer but I guess that's another topic or maybe not) My hope is that I become a better person and hopefully you join me.
Ok, here's what's really important about this conversation. You are TOO PASSIVE.
"I know I should have helped more. Strike that. I should have carried my fair share and I'm sorry. "
Becomes: "You're right about all that. I'm here to help with those things NOW. We're a team and I'm your partner".
Then you take action. Women respond to ACTION, not WORDS.
"My hope is that I become a better person and hopefully you join me."
Becomes: "I INTEND on becoming better at (x, y, z) whether you are with me or not. I'd prefer you are WITH me but I'm going there regardless."
Lester, this is all about you not being there as a partner and her becoming bored. It's also about this passive attitude.
'Man Up' as we like to say. Make STATEMENTS like "I am... I INTEND... I WILL.." instead of "I'll try to ..... honest I will!".
We like you man, all this is in support of you as a man.
