You really sound wonderful!!!! You know what you are doing and that is great! I am glad that you still have left a crack in the door for your h. I always said that I thought he would get it together but he has been one of the slow movers. We all know that there is no time line for any of this mess. They must move through this at their pace. You have been a wonderful role model for all of us here and I wanted to say I appreciate you, TWINNY!!!!!!!!
I posted right after I talked to H on the phone last night. No time out to process. This morning I had a clearer head.
In the early stages, I clung to every word that H said. I now know that it is action and behavior that tells the real story, not words.
H and I are technically divorced. I have all the time in the world to sit back and watch (but not necessarily wait!). If H means what he says, it will be proven in time.
Yes, he does need professional help. In the meantime, if talking to me helps him, then I will be his friend and listen when he wants to talk.
I saw last night, Val, and thought sleep on it. I actually do that once in a while.
And yes, you have all the time in the world. Val, we can live very nicely on our own. I do. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to live with anyone else. Fortunately, my choice if that is what I want.
How great it is to post to you again!!!! We have travelled a long journey.
My H sure got lost in the tunnel, didn't he? He was following right behind your H for a long time, then he took a wrong turn somewhere. He seems to be seeing a flicker of light at last. It's too bad that it was after the D for it to happen.
As I told IMP, I will sit patiently and watch how H progresses from here. I am not holding my breath that it will have the same outcome as your sitch, but I am not closing any doors.
YR, YOU have been the wonderful role model for many of us on this board, me included. You taught me a lot. I still read your thread regularly and keep up with your sitch. I hope that there are more positive updates on mine and, if so, I will keep you updated.
Val and IMP this is a good thread. Lots of sanity here! I told my h last night, in our crazy conversation, that I found that I really loved living alone and felt very fulfilled. There was audible silence!!! He always thought he was the 'strong' one who could cope alone, and absolutely cannot.
It is true, I enjoy my space, and like myself.
I do agree with IMP about the need for professional help, and the danger of them just sloping back without doing a darned thing to really understand WHY they did what they did. Remorse is a great first step, but after that comes some hard work.
But, it is nice to have a good friend acting normally again. Losing your partner as a friend, and having them turn into a hurful stranger is one of teh nastiest things about MLC.
I think that strength is something our MLCers both envy and admire. I also believe that they need someone strong to be there for them at the end of the crisis. The OP can't measure up because they are typically weak. They have been holding each other up throughout the affair, bolstering each other's belief that what they are doing is okay. One strong gust of reality and the whole illusion comes tumbling down.
A, I too have found a peace and contentment in being alone. I would like to have a sane and loving partner, but it won't be the end of the world if it doesn't happen.
Sometimes it takes a D to give them a dose of reality. It does seem like your h is seeing a flickering of light. Let me tell you honestly, there were times that I thought I would never get where I am today. It seemed so hopeless as you know very well. The roller coaster ride was about to make me go insane. You had the same as I did with them coming home and leaving many, many times. It was hard. I sat and thought about it and my h has been home pretty much since January. No contact with the ow since then. He has made great strides and I am very happy right now! It is so different than before!!!
I hope that your h makes it through this and you can find the happiness with him too!!!! If not you will bring light where ever you go!!!!!!!!
Valeria - I think you are right about them admiring our strength. I remember my h saying on more than one occasion 'I always knew you would be OK' - slightly to justify the horrible way he behaved, but I also think he envies my independence and strength.
Yes, I miss the kindness, fun and intimacy of marriage, but I prefer being on my own to being in anything other than a positive r.
I don't think your h's r with his grandkids is irreparable - it is the r with grown-up kids that seems more fragile. Adult children don't have to have a relationship with their parents if they don't want to.
I do remind my children that he is their father, and was a very kind and loving man, but equally they have given him many chances which he has rejectd rudely. They try to be compassionate . . .but it can be hard to young adults to see a person they love and respected behaving with a total want of decency towards their mother, and themelves. Ah me.
It's early and I got very little sleep last night. H kept me on the phone for several hours while he drove half-way across the country to get home last night.
As I told IMP in one of my posts, words have to be backed up with action for me to believe, so I'm taking everything H said with a grain of salt. Anyway, in a nutshell, here is what he said:
He is kicking the OW out of his house when he gets home. He said he couldn't put it off another day.
He and OW have been constantly fighing for the past two weeks (ever since our divorce).
He wants a full-grown, level-headed WOMAN .. not a young, stupid kid.
He doesn't trust her .. especially with men.
She doesn't love him like I loved him.
He has been slipping and calling her "Val" a lot lately.
He is going to change the locks on his house today.
He wants to be by himself so that he can think about everythinig that has happened the past two years.
He referred to the past two years as a "journey" (this surprised me).
He opened up and leveled with me about his finances.
Anyway, so much was said in our 4 hour conversation. These are just highlights that I remember.
Personally I think he will have a tougher time getting rid of OW than he thinks. Glynn Close's character in Fatal Attraction has nothing on this girl.
Actions speak louder than words, so we'll see what this weekend brings.
I got about 2 hours sleep last night and not operating on all cylinders this morning. I'm off to bed.
