I'm new to all this. I'm in crisis at the moment. Have husband in MLC and with OW(i think he might be trying to stop) but still has regular contact with her.I've read the the book(DR)and was quite successfully doing the LRT. Unfortunately i feel like i've mucked up. I went out with friends on Saturday nearly kissed another guy(I told him) i said i've had no affection or attention from him for 18 months and i felt flattered. He is really angry, but still here. He did walk out a few days ago, but i didn't beg. He was back in 10 minutes. Any advice from anyone would be great. I'm trying to be positive but he's really making me pay for what i did. Help please.
Don't you think that your H's reaction to your near kiss gave him a big kick in the pants? Did it make him see what he may lose? It looks like it to me. I think it's it falls into the extreme catagory of LRT/GAL to go out & use the jelousy card...I'm not saying that was your intension here but I have known people to do that.
Had your H walked out when he did & not return, that would have told you that he's done & would be using your actions as an escuse to fuel his leaving excuse. The fact that he's still there, although mad & angry? I would say indicates that he is in fact not done at all.
You say he's making you pay for what you have done? So it's ok for him to do what he's doing & when you do something thats not even close, you pay? He has to see that if he's going to have his new life with OW or whatever it is...Then he also has to see what he's losing too.
Sorry I can't offer much more I was about to log off...In short I would not worry about having "mucked up" if he had simply walked out & not returned then you would need to worry more.
Hey ninajane - Welcome to this group. Before you throw in the towel, take a moment to read other people's "threads." We all backslide. DBing is damn difficut business, and we all take two steps forward and one back (sometimes two or three back!!).
My advice: - Don't EVER lose your PMA. - Visit this website often and read read read. - Keep this website and DR a secret if you can. - Shift the focus of your attention from your husband (or relationship with him) to you. This DBing stuff is not really about saving marriages as much as it is about saving people - specifically LBS's. Save yourself, and the chances of saving your marriage increase significantly.
There's more I could say, but start with this. Read and post here. This is a very supportive group. Hang in there, and don't quit!!
Ohio Mark is right... everyone backslides and it's okay. You can even have major backslides and a week later things are different. A few days often settles things down.
I wouldn't necessarily call what you did a "backslide." A near kiss is nothing and you shouldn't feel guilty about that. Although telling your husband may have positive and negative consequences. On one side he will realize you are attractive and he can lose you, on the other side he may use it to validate his own behavior (well, if she does that then I can kiss OW). In the future be more evasive. Don't give your husband any details.
As far as what this near-kiss means to you... I think you should see this as a lesson. It's an indicator of how vulnerable you are right now and how you will need to be very firm about boundries and seek healther ways to build up the ego. Flattery is nice, but don't take it seriously. You don't know the motives behind it. Usually it has nothing to do with you.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks guys it's so refreshing having some input from people who are going through the same sort of thing. I haven't told my whole story yet, but i'm sort of bored with it now.. I've had 18months of hell. I'm committed to make this work.. but it's hard. I have 3B 3, 7, and 9(i know he's off his head) I've gone through the begging, tears, depression, anger the lot. Thank god for that book!! Even if he does bugger off i think(no i know) i will be stronger. It amazes me that we've been together 10 years and less than 3 years ago we got married and he cried when he said his vowes. But obviously from his perpective at the moment he thinks he's never been in love with me, our marriage has always been a nightmare blah, blah, blah. Well at least i can let it go over my head thanks to our friend DR. It's amazing how MLC and OW can make a difference.
I must say though it's hard focusing on me when he works six days a week and i have 3 kids to look after(and my own work)
I'm lucky have loads of fab friends.
It's funny cause i started feeling down tonight(i'm in England)but you guys have made me feel more positive.
Thanks Nina
By the way what are threads. I'm completely new to all this, it took me 15 minutes to work out how to post.
It takes a while to get to that realization... but very hard. Having to go against all your natural instincts. I'm getting their. I've realized it has to come from him now. It's his problem and i can't force him.
Though most of us are in the States, there are quite a few from other parts of the world (I am guessing that you are not from USA... am I correct??). Regardless of where in the world we are, we share a common objective. And we will help each other get to wherever it is we end up, and we will arrive there with confidence and dignity.
Don't be bashful about asking about abbreviations. I am confused about some of them each week. Ask, ask, ask.... and post, post, post.
Hang in there, and keep the PMA (ummm...... positive mental attitude!!!!!!).
