My life don't fit the book, please help.

[lester]

Ok feeling a little beat up here. I'm not a type A personality and the affair has taken a lot of confidence out of me. So for flip sake, give me a break! I understand you all are trying to help and I'm trying to be the "alpha male" or whatever but it's further for me to travel than frank and others here. In fact, it may be some of the controlling behaviours of type A personalities that drove your wifes away. All I'm saying is let's not treat each other like dirt when we all are trying to face our demons. How bout some encouragement?

I'll post a paraphrased conversation from last night as frank suggested:

Conversation last night:

Note: things in parentheses are my thoughts and were not actually said.

Me: We can't continue living the way we've been living.

W: What do you mean?

Me: I'm at the point now where I can now longer stand being in limbo.

W: What do you want me to say? Do you want me to ask for a divorce so it isn't so hard on you? I mean your obviously hurting

Me: (thinking : cold hearted bitch) No, I don't want a divorce but this is my life to and would like to know what the situation is (so I can plan accordingly)

W: You know this is hard on me .

Me: I know this has got to be hard on you too.

W: Well, what is it you want from me?

Me: I don't want anything from you. I'm simply letting you know what I think and I'm asking what's going on in your life?

W: I don't know what I want to do I just need a couple of months to figure things out.

Me: Do you still want to be married or do you want to chase after OM?

W: (pause) I want to be married

Me: Well what's your plan then because having a BF and a husband is incompatible with each other. And really fair to no one.

W: I don't know. I don't have a plan.

Me: (thinking: Without a plan we're just going to be stuck like this FOREVER. At least if she filed papers or dumped OM there would be SOMETHING. I think you've felt this way too before frank.)

W: Do you want me just not to talk to MY FRIEND ever again? (thinking: oh great here comes the manipulation and dishonesty)

Me: Yes, that's what I want because staying like this clearly isn't working.

/// Some time passes and conversation switches gears ///

Me: Honey, you know I've been worried about you for the past six months or so and you seemed real down. I wish I knew how to help but I know you don't like therapists. I'm actually glad you've been going out with your girlfriend more because you're close and it seems to help relieve stress. (she was depressed, hates psychiatrists and believes mental health is all about "crazy people").

W: I haven't been like that for six months. You didn't even care that I was down.

Me: I DO really care about you when you're down. I just didn't know how to help you back up. (Well, I do know - strong AD meds but I wasn't going to bring that up because she's VERY NOT RECEPTIVE)

W: You didn't seem to care. You didn't help me with the kids in the morning; you didn't help me around the house. You just spent all the time on the computer.

Me: (I realize that arguing the fine points doesn't help with women because it's more about how the feel about the situation than whether what they're saying is true). I know I should have helped more. Strike that. I should have carried my fair share and I'm sorry. I've looked inside myself lately and found that there's things I don't like about the way I was. I'm not where I WANT TO BE but I'm getting there. I'm sorry for not doing what I should have.

W: (skeptical, of course) You just want things to go back to how I did everything and your life is comfortable.

Me: No, actually what I want is a better life. I don't EVER want to go back to how it was (where she felt neglected and actually so do I for a lot longer but I guess that's another topic or maybe not) My hope is that I become a better person and hopefully you join me.