You could have left it out, but it wasn't a big deal. I think we are all missing the other, tonight...doesn't this board seem to be heavily-weighted by us ladies?
Well, sad but not desparate, not crying. It is starting to feel more like a distraction than an overwhelming force, at least. All part of the process, whatever direction that might take.
you forgot option 3) He could realize that morgan isn't sitting around waiting for him to get his head out of his ass and the thought of her with someone else would make him nuts and he might realize that all this was a huge mistake. Homer says it works, can't think of a better candidate. H still shows signs of attachment and confusion. Not to mention the sex. Maybe he needs a wakeup call. Or, maybe I'm just full of sh!t. Not sure which! I've been lurking and reading for quite a white and praying hard for you and lwb. You are both so strong. I wanna be like you when I grow up!
Homer MacDonald says that the WS does not respect himself so he has lower respect for the LBS who is pursuing him. THE WS sees the LBS as lower when she refuses to see that the world is filled with beautiful men that would like and respect the LBS.
You mentioned some things about your H that may show this is true. His comment about seeing you as a sister but also his comment about how he thinks you are better in bed than someone else. His comment about staying friends but also his comments about being confused. He is teetering. That puts you through hell so dating others is what Homer advises.
40. TRW – Tantalize, Reassure and Worry. Tantalize her, reassure her, and worry her. Now tantalize means all of your virtues – your intelligence, your good looks, your self-confidence, your education, your ability to make money, anything that is attractive to the market. You tantalize her with that. She already knows about that. The reassure means you reassure her by your actions and your attitude that you are not going to get too close to her, that you’re not going to be possessive, that you’re not going to be jealous, that you’re not going to be controlling. And worry her means worry her that she can lose you. Of course, that sounds very strange to a man who calls and I teach him the TRW strategy. “She’s not worried about losing me. She wants to lose me.” That was Steve’s attitude in Minnesota. “Kathy is not jealous at all.” But when I got him to start having an affair out in the open, she decided one Sunday that she wanted to visit with Steve. So she drove up to the cabin that they had lived in for years. But somebody else’s car was there. Another woman’s car. She turned around, didn’t even go up to the door. She just turned around and went home. About midnight, she phoned him very angry. She was always very respectful. She would never call anybody after 9:30 or at least 10:00 in the evening. Here she calls him late at night. She had been divorcing him, and didn’t even want to talk to him before then. He comes over and visits with her. They’re rolling on the floor, hugging and kissing, and she’s apologizing. “I don’t have the right to this kind of feeling. I didn’t know I would have this kind of feeling.” He was very understanding. A woman does not feel that she’s losing her husband by divorcing him, because she’s become so addicted to her picture of him as clinging and begging and totally in love with her that that’s the picture that’s controlling her emotions. So she doesn’t feel that getting a divorce really loses him. So often, a wife will say to her husband, “Oh, I hear you were out with Karen yesterday.” He says, “I was just having coffee with her. She doesn’t hold a candle to you.” So he immediately gives her reassurance that he is still waiting in the wings for her. It’s like she’s got a Mercedes Benz in her garage and she’s gotten bored with it. So he gives her reassurance that the Mercedes is still in the garage, if and when she ever wants it. “I’ll always be there for you.” So she doesn’t do anything any different, just keeps on divorcing him and having nothing to do with him. But if she sees another woman jump in her Mercedes Benz and drive off, she hits the panic button and starts chasing him. “That’s my Mercedes! Get out of my car!” Then we’ve got her chasing the husband. He was chasing her, and now the roles have been reversed.
41. Keep A Happy Attitude People who are being rejected, of course, have hurt feelings. They have grief. They have depression. In this technique, you imagine hitting some object, a table, pillow or wall. You attack with each word, and you deny that it hurts at all. “It doesn’t hurt. I feel great. Nothing else matters at all, because I feel great.” The hidden logic there is that if you feel great, everything else is going to get better and better, because everything comes from your mood and attitude. Of course, the old traditional way that most people still believe is, “Oh, this puts you in denial when it’s really hurting. You’re just covering up the hurt.” No, you’re kicking out the hurt.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I have a personal perspective as far as this friends business goes and it comes from past experience. I was m and d once before. I think the circumstances behind a sep/div will sometimes determine the nature of a friendship between an ex. However, nep was right when she says it takes a lot of time no matter what.
I think that element of infidelity makes a huge difference in what the aftermath of a D or separation will look like. At least from a Man's perspective. I've learned from you Ladies on this board that Woman seem to be better equipped emotionally to maintain a friendship with a cheating ex s. Not the rule by any means, but my own observation. I see that less likely with most of the Men on here. Woman seem to be more capable of separating friendship from a committed relationship. Speaking for just myself, I can't separate the two. I'm committed to my friend's well being and wouldn't do something like that to them. It's a matter of respect.
My first W and I didn't cheat on each other all the way up to signing the papers. There was some disagreement, but very little animosity or hard feelings. We parted with respect for one another as human beings if that makes any frikin sense..lol. Our youth may have made a difference, but I was married to her for as long as my current stbx. It was easier for us both to heal from this. I was the first to have a serious relationship two years later.
Don't get me wrong, I can forgive my current stbx, but friendship to me requires qualities she no longer possesses. If I were to meet her as a stranger today and knew what she had done in her marriage, I doubt I could be friends with her.
Maybe this is a character flaw on my part, maybe others feel the way I do. Just my penny's worth!
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
thanks, donna. do you think its the full moon? I swear it threw us all off last month. weird things happened. maybe this month its making us miss our spouses more..or rather, feel it more.
Karen, thank you for jumping in with your support. it really does help, having all of you here to vent to, to ask advice, to run things past. I only wish I had found this place sooner!
I used to hope for option 3, but a lot has happened over the last couple of months that make me realize that isn't likely to happen. but hey, we can dream, right?
lwb, you are a rock and you know it. maybe a coughing rock right now, but a rock all the same. thanks for the youtube link, btw. lol.
mk, thanks for the homer stuff. I'm not sure I really buy that dating others will help bring h closer to me. and I sure as hell am thinking it would be very unfair to anyone I dated, if my motivations were to bring h closer to me. seriously. how would that work? hey, dude, you are cute and funny so lets go have some fun...but just so you know, it is all to get my husband back. Not exactly fair.
atgo, I hate most generalizations more than I hate broccoli. seriously, they annoy me and make me want to buck them. lol. not sure I'm going to be able to separate and keep friendship out of my R with H...not sure that is really possible. but time will tell. never say never.
as for judging my H as a stranger...would I be able to be friends with a person who had an A? well, yeah, I guess so...my sister had one, and I love her and am friends with her. my best friend had an EA, and same. I don't judge them. Now, that said, a lot of how they dealt with the aftermath of the A's that they had helps. they have tried hard to make things right, and are good people, in spite of some bad actions on their part. and even though H has been a total ass to me in many, many ways, if I met him today, trust me, I'd love to be friends with him. he's fun, funny, engaging. But I wouldn't date him.
Last edited by morgan; 09/27/0711:57 AM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
its another warm one here in new england. good day planned...dropping the kids at school in a bit then am heading off to get a facial. bliss! I need to feel taken care of for a bit, and this, well, this definitely fits the bill.
just printed out some info on detachment from the link S_O_T_S provided. going to keep reading it and re-reading it till I feel like I have that down, as opposed to withdrawal. hopefully will feel strong by the time H gets here tonight tonight.
think tonight am going boot shopping while he is here. yeah, still haven't found anything. hard...I know what I want, its just a matter of finding the ones I like, and in my size.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
warning, pity party ahead. yes, I had a wonderful facial...awesome. greatest thing ever. pure bliss. now back to reality...kids are home and lunched, some housework to get done, etc. I just sat down to check e-mail and a few message boards I visit. 3 different women on a board I visit are all celebrating their 10th anniversary this year...all in the span of a few weeks of mine. all 3 were presented with beautiful rings, specialy designed by their H's to surprise them (one was given hers early, so even though she was married the week I was, she has it).
bite me.
I know, I know, none of this matters. it has nothing to do with me. still, wow, what a difference. its like that stupid t-shirt, so-and-so went somewhere and all I got was this stupid t-shirt. its like I invested the same 10 years in a marriage, and all I got was this stupid divorce-to-be.
okay, enough. got it out, I'm happy for them, I am. but damn.
okay, off to clean the bathrooms. see, my joy never ends. lol.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
They can bite me, too. I was alone for my 15th. I ended up in the same locale where we grew up and met (which was hard), but I took myself kayaking (which was hard in the physical sense, but wow, was it good!)
You just have to make it a good day, anyway. It ended up feeling bittersweet, but better than terrible and depressing.
