Good work. It is great that you are trying get a more realistic picture of your M in your head rather than the pollyanna vision that LBSs develop and cling to. It is perfectly normal to get that pollyanna vision. The LBS super over-idealizes the M. The WAS does the opposite. Eventually, BOTH parties will move back to a realistic picture. The sooner you find a more balanced, authentic vision, the better. You will stop beating yourself up. You will start considering what you really want in your life. You will start pursuing things in your life that will genuinely enhance it. You will develop more genuine compassion both for yourself and W. W is as messed up than your or more so.
I didn't take your plan to be one of trying to guilt W about her role in the problems in the M. I didn't see that you planned to discuss your insight with her at all. (At least, I hope you aren't planning to do so.) Rather, I read you as trying to get to a more objective place in which you OWN your part of the problems, you OWN your acceptance of her ill treatment of you, you take RESPONSIBILITY for making any future R with anyone one that works better for YOU, and so on. So, I really don't see taking an objective look at the deep problems in your M as jumping on the victim bandwagon. I guess it could be. But, generally, moving to a place of considered and realistic evaluation of the problems that existed in your M before and after the A is a powerful move forward.
"I've got a little man on my shoulder who keeps whispering in my ear, "it was all BS, she never really tried, she was just waiting for you to effe up and you did. it was all about him all the time she never stopped seeing him." For the most part, I keep that little F%%ker bottled up, but occassionally he escapes (witness my stupid, and not nearly as humorous as that of Revenge of the Nerds, panty raid). "
Don't keep him bottled up. Listen to him. He is almost certainly right.
Again, people LIE ABOUT ALL A RELATED ACTIVITY. W will only come fully clean IF you reconcile, AFTER you both recommit to the R. Until then, it will not be worth the cost. Even then, everything may not come up.
Right now, YOUR GUT is much more trustworthy than anything else. How often has your gut lied to your thus far? I'd say 99% of the time it has probably been right. LISTEN TO YOURSELF. You KNOW what is going on. If you quit bottling up the little guy whispering in your ear, you keep silencing yourself. Why? To stay in denial. But where does that get you? Snooping, confronting, self-destructive behavior. Because, your little voice will insist on proving himself right. Just listen to him. He is right. Dump the denial. Trust your gut. I promise, your little voice isn't feeling like a dumbass. If you accept that little voice as your own voice, which of course it is, then you'll stop feeling like a dumbass.
