I share your feelings about the guilt... Here's the thing to keep in mind though... Both of you did things to get you where you were. It's a relationship, it takes two to make it work. I look at my marriage and see all the things I could have done differently, and I see the things my wife could have done differently. Either of us could have made better decisions to keep us from getting here.
BUT... I am only responsible for my decisions and my contribution. Thinking about her contribution and her actions does not help me, her or our marriage. Thinking about the things she did wrong does make me feel less guilty, but at the same time it also makes me feel more resentful and it shifts my focus from my problems to hers. Doing so will not help me to change. It's just a distraction and a way of numbing the guilt. It is not productive. Our wives have their own issues, and part of our change has to be allowing them to deal with their issues on their time in their own way. That is what we must strive to do, even though it may mean that they choose to never deal with it and never come back to us. The more we try to fix their problems or tell them what they should do, the longer it will take for them to actually be able to face up to what they need to do.
