I just opened your email last night (didn't check my inbox until then -- sorry). I'll shoot you another email with my number, and if you want to talk sometime tomorrow during the day, I will be available (I think I'm heading out of town for the day and evening today).
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I need to do some real thinking about the things that SHE did that got us her too.
Okay, I know some others said that this is unproductive, and I agree -- IF YOU DWELL ON IT. For me, once I began accepting that ALL of the fault of the M wasn't on me, and that she had some blame too, I lot of weight (i.e. guilt) was lifted from my shoulders. I was able to honestly say, "Okay, we BOTH really did contribute to this breakdown. I don't have to live with all of this guilt. She hasn't accepted her role, but that's fine. I know that she has things to work on too, and if she chooses not to accept that and work on them, I have no control over that. I'm doing right by me and my future, but I don't/won't carry ALL of the blame for the loss of my M anymore."
So, the point I'm making here is that acknowledging her fault in the breakdown of the M will help you rid yourself of ALL of the guilt. You will still feel some, but not ALL of it. And, with time, you will be able to accept the guilt, own it, and release it -- but only after you make the necessary changes and stick with them consistently over time. For me, I still kick myself at times (just because the whole thing is still relatively fresh), but I quickly remember that she failed me too and that I've atoned for my mistakes, and that helps to get me rid myself of the guilt too.
Don't let your acknowledgement of her mistakes anger you though. Just accept them, Heim. You can't do anything about them. Only she can.
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If her R with OM is your boundary and it's over for you, that's okay. I don't have the sense that it is, though,
I agree with Puddle, here. You've known that she has had this A going on, whether it is EA or PA or both. In the end, it doesn't matter what the A is because the bottom line is that it is wrong. It hurts to know it exists, and it hurts the pride even more to know that you're willing to put up with it. It feels humiliating, but it's up to you to decide whether or not you're willing to stand for your M even in the face of such damage to the ego and the M. This A is not a cause, but a symptom -- and you know this, just remind yourself. I don't think you're done, but the pain of accepting that you're still willing to reconcile is so immense that you want to believe that you are done (or believe you should be done). Do for you. Draw the boundary for you, and just know that you can live with the choices you make in this regard. That's all. Pride set aside, where do you stand for Heim and what he wants and is willing to go through and put up with?
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But Heim, she's not in rebuilding mode, and you're helping keep her where she is.
I completely agree with this, too.
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You're still trying to push the R on your own schedule, wanting it now now now, not after the R with OM runs its course. You don't get to choose that, though. You're not making the schedule. As long as you keep beating that horse, you're setting yourself up for disappointment and you're ambushing all your other good efforts.
Agreed -- and you are beginning to accept this too, Heim (I think).
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Heim, she is not going to see your positives until you leave her alone & really give her space.
I agree with Sunny on this one. No "buts" about any of her decisions. Accept her choices and be content. Show her that you respect her choices and needs right now. It will take the wind out of her sails and she will be much more willing to open her mind and eyes to the positives and changes in you.
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she sticks to any of my negatives to justify pushing me away because trying again would be hard.
Absolutely correct! This is an extremely common characteristic of the WAS. They keep looking at our past negatives, and also current negatives in order to justify their choice to walk away, separate, divorce, etc. That's why you must calculate your moves carefully as long as you're still invested 110% in reconciling and not losing your S.
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If you two do get together again, somewhere down the road, I don't think that she should EVER be allowed to live down the lah-di-dah-pouf-dah business of: "I am no longer entertaining such questions"---or whatever it was. Forgive the A, freely and fully, but tease her on that unto her dying day.
I'm not sure if I understand you correctly, Delia. Are you suggesting Heim forgive his W, but "tease" her about not answering his question about the potential A that occurred? If so, I have to say that this is a very unhealthy thing for the M. It shows that Heim doesn't really forgive her (which would be unhealthy for both Heim and the M), and it is also disrespectful to her feelings in the new R that they have decided to create together. I'm sorry but if I'm reading that right that is just horrible advice IMHO. I don't see how doing that would benefit anyone at anytime in that R.
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DETACH, STOP CONTROLLING, STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM AND GAL. When I say GAL I mean it GET A LIFE. You may be be doing things now to GAL that you did not do before, but you obviously have to much free time on your hands still. Because your main focus seems to be the victim roll and not your life and your happiness.
Agreed. Are you still taking dancing lessons? Is there some sort of social function that caters to those types of dances that you can attend? Get out there, practice what you've learned, and enjoy yourself. Find some activities you can volunteer with (and enjoy), and meet new people that way. I know you were doing some other things (working out being one of them, which is great!), but can't remember what they were. BTW, I'm finally used to my waxed chest and abs, and am looking damn sexy! Working out is so helpful for the self-esteem!
People have been pointing it out, but I say it too -- you've got a ton of people pulling for you, Heim. You've been hit with many 2x4s (and taken one in the cahones by Nugget), but they have come because we all care so much about you.
Talk with you later, brotha. Do your best to look at things with absolute clarity and acceptance, and follow through with the very difficult actions that you will need to take.
