I'm going to float a quick idea to see if it makes sense to anyone: she sticks to any of my negatives to justify pushing me away because trying again would be hard.
That makes sense, except that you might want to add the word "now"---she doesn't want to try now. And while she's not trying, there's nothing much you can do except to think, and wait, and be sad, and be a good father. At some point, you'll likely feel as though you WILL be all right without her; and then maybe, a bit later, you won't even want her. At which point she may want you.
As for the violation of the blessed undies draw, cheer up: at least you didn't inspect them while she was wearing them. Her affair trumps undies inspection and, of course, she knows it, or she will know it in time. Her anger at you is a complicated thing.
My poor husband was nearly frothing at the mouth when he discovered that I was planning a trip to visit his aunt several months ago. His rage completely baffled me, until I actually paid my visit, and came across his "trophies" stored in the children's playroom. What they amounted to was a very stupid, very secret, very sad other life of some years standing. Although he was divorcing me, and it shouldn't have mattered what I saw or what I thought, it did. He not only had the grace to be ashamed, but even to value my good opinion. Either that or he reckoned I would tell everyone, which I promptly did.
So, you see, it could be the same with your wife.
I wouldn't give up on that idea of a beautiful life, either---because it's a beautiful idea...and your wife doesn't seem any farther gone than others who have wanted to try again. She seems more conflicted than many. The true violation may be of her own sense of self-respect. You just never know.
If you two do get together again, somewhere down the road, I don't think that she should EVER be allowed to live down the lah-di-dah-pouf-dah business of: "I am no longer entertaining such questions"---or whatever it was. Forgive the A, freely and fully, but tease her on that unto her dying day.
