Even as you started with "You are all correct", the text of the remaining post was more of the same.
Putting the focus on W's "failures" is just as unproductive & damaging as continuing to focus on your own guilt. What would "doing some real thinking about the things that SHE did" accomplish except to keep you engaged in behavior that will put that final nail in the R?
Quote:
She said that she feels violated that I went to the house. She's right, she should. But she never let me get over the A by talking to her about it. Any time I mentioned the pain she had caused me, I was "throwign it in her face." I needed to talk, she felt ambushed when she came home. I tried to set up a scheduled time once or twice a week to talk about us, she would never keep to that. This is her fault to. And her feelings of violation? Please, let's compare notes, she slept with another man in our bed. I decided I could forgive her for that. Then, when I thought things were going well, she was talking to her mom and friends at work about unhappy she was. She never told me, always someone else. Plus, I found out she was sending her mom my emails. Who's been violated a bit more?
You might want to read this paragraph over a few times as if you're reading someone else's post. This pattern is going to have an effect on your W for sure, I just don't think it's going to be one that brings you closer to your positive goals.
Quote:
Asked if we could talk at some point in the future. she sticks to any of my negatives to justify pushing me away because trying again would be hard.
Heim, she is not going to see your positives until you leave her alone & really give her space. It's hard for all of us LBS's, whether it's been 20yrs or 2 yrs, to stop pursuing & let go of the control. (that we don't have anyway). We are all pulling for you......that's why you get all the feedback & posts urging you to take a real evaluation of your sitch & use the experience & resources available here.
