We have had joint therapy. My H did an end run around the therapist quite handily. He would get her running off on tangents and she utterly refused to address sex as an issue except in a general way. She would get off track whenever frequency, schedule, or "Why don't you want to have sex with your W?" were brought up.
I know that my H mb to porn because he has stated quite clearly in the past that he believes mb and pornography viewing are "normal" even among married men and have nothing to do with the quality of the marital sex life. She, the therapist, agreed with this too. BTW- I agree with this too except when someone mb in order to avoid sex with their spouse. I also agree with this except when porn is viewed in an addictive way. Oh yeah - then my therapist had an affair and got a little unreliable and we quit seeing her.
I have no problem with alternatives to intercourse and have also mentioned this directly to my H in the past. No dice.
Lil,
I do think it is about me and I don't. I don't think it is a statement about me and my worthiness as a wife, sexual partner or person BUT I do think it is a statement of sorts about his feelings toward me. I like your restatement of his position because I think that is about right.
RJ,
I don't believe that H is having an affair but I cannot discount it in the realm of possibility. I just feel that there is something going on other than scheduling issues due to a pregnancy, birth and an infant in the house. I do have a breaking point and I do recognize that my sexual nature could be a problem if my needs continue going unmet - I do get looks, smiles, flirtations etc... Luckily, I work with mostly women and have zero free time to get in trouble with.
Last night I had an awful crick in my neck after working out and I asked H to rub it. He obliged while I settled DS 5 months who was having a hard time going to sleep. In the meantime, DS 15 wanted to discuss his plan to get a job and DD 3 came downstairs to cuddle with Daddy after a bad dream. H commented "Well, there it was, your 5 minutes of Mom/Dad time."
I can almost bet that if confronted he will not admit to anything going on other than kids needs, job needs and general tiredness. I call BS on that. It takes what 30 min to have sex with quite a few bells and whistles? Any night he is interested he could come to bed when the baby goes down (baby goes down about 8 and gets up to eat again at 11) or any night I come home from work he could hand baby off to the big kids and say "Mom and I are going to run to bedroom and have a talk - be back shortly". Whatever. I'm game.
The problem is that he doesn't look for these solutions, doesn't verbalize any frustration and has never once said, "When are we gonna let that baby cry it out so we can have sex?". These would be actions of someone who gives a crap. Someone who doesn't have their needs being met somewhere else or alternatively having their needs short circuited by an issue of some kind. An affair is only one of about a dozen possibilities. But I don't believe that it is just schedule, new baby etc...
