It sounds like you feel in many ways like you're right back where you started emotionally. I guess that's the roller coaster they talk about.
Good for you for returning the key and not rising to the bait about a copy.
One thing I'd like to say: you keep saying you don't see how you have a shot as long as OM is in the picture, and I see it differently. You say if he's meeting those needs that you should've, where's the motivation to get back with you?
Getting our needs met is obviously crucial, but they can't be met by just anyone, especially long term. While OM may meet those needs now, he may not always. R issues will come up between them, too, and no one knows what'll happen then.
We all hope that our WAS will eventually value the years we've had together and the children's best-case scenario, that all that will help tip the scale toward giving us a shot. The investment is worth a lot, and it's a lot to walk away from.
What I'm saying, Heim, is that your W is nowhere close to giving you a shot right now. She's heavy into the ecstasy of her new R (sorry), and you keep ambushing her and your R, pushing her right back to OM. IF you'll ever have a chance, it'll be long after you back off.
Her R with OM isn't the problem: your behavior is. I don't think you believe that (since you keep saying you don't have a chance as long as he's around). You're still trying to push the R on your own schedule, wanting it now now now, not after the R with OM runs its course. You don't get to choose that, though. You're not making the schedule. As long as you keep beating that horse, you're setting yourself up for disappointment and you're ambushing all your other good efforts.
If her R with OM is your boundary and it's over for you, that's okay. I don't have the sense that it is, though, rather that you're just crushed that you'll have to be waaaaaaaaay more patient than you have been. It sucks. She cheated. She won't talk to you about it (hello guilt).
But Heim, she's not in rebuilding mode, and you're helping keep her where she is.
((((Heim)))), a break sounds like a good idea. Take care of yourself, my friend.
