Now I've done it... again

[mkultra]

Wow, that is a long convo and you did soooo well! Text book- well. Michele would be proud-well! He is sobbing on the phone? Whoa. I know he kept saying he missed he kids, but I am sure he meant not to mention you because he is guarding himself. He misses you also, no doubt. He is afraid and selfish.

How is he bonding with your Daughter5mo? Do you hold her all the time, attachment and all?

I really got the feeling that my H and my S2 never really bonded like my D6 and H did. He wore her in a sling a lot, not as much as me. She also slept with both of us but H did not sleep at all with S2. She spoke very early, like at 13 months! He seemed to enjoy cosleeping in the beginning and he helped a lot with night nursing but only with our D6. My s2 spoke a little late (25months?) and was hardly in a sling.

How are you sleeping? Does your S2 still sleep with you? Is he night nursing also? How does your H support your parenting now? Does not sound like it. Sorry for all the questions but again, you amaze me! I was in a coccoon for the first few months after having a baby. I just focused on me and the baby and I am not sure how you can do that now while you are managing your work and all the legal meetings, etc.

[nephartiti]

MK, it has been hard. I feel like all my kids are being neglected. They are not, really, but I know I am not giving all the attention I would be if I was not dealing with all of this. S2 nurses a little. I am starting to limit it. I give him a little, and then we cuddle. Both sleep with me.

I don't feel like H has really bonded with our D. He started pulling away with the EA right after she was born. It all progressed very quickly from phone calls to him disappearing more and more. D does not get held nearly as much as S2 used to. Because I am juggling, she ends up in the swing or something a lot more than I would like.

H is not providing support in his absence and he wasn't the last few months he was technically here. He was too caught up in what he was doing.

S2 was full on attachment and he is very smart. He was talking early too. We can only do the best we can, I guess.

[nephartiti]

I don't know why, but last night and this morning I had this incredible urge to go track my H down once and for all. I want that last little bit of proof of who his with and where he is.

I was about to walk out the door after my last post and go stake out the school. I guess I'm coming to my senses because I am back at the computer instead.

I just hate that he is still lying like I'm the crazy one making all this stuff up while he "takes" care of himself. At one point, weeks ago, he said to me "I know that you will be ok and that the kids will be ok. I have to make sure I am going to be ok." Translation: I am happy F-ing this whore right now and you guys don't really matter. You'll have to get over it." Barf!

I guess, in some ways, I do better when I don't hear from him. When I talk to him or see him it's just a reminder and I find myself back at the beginning with my feelings. I'm feeling pretty crappy today knowing that he is still there and that all the phone calls yesterday were around her schedule, for the most part. How annoying. In a few months she has become such high priority. I don't think he was ever obsessed with me like that. I guess that's the difference between a normal R and an A.

I still want to go. I could still make it on time...

NO NO NO NO NO

.....?

OK, stop it now!

[mkultra]

Go with that feeing but do not act on it. He is either in some pathetic place alone and miserable, not your fault, or he is in some leacherous place, trying to escape and get closer to OP, still pathetic and not your fault. Either way he is choosing not to be with you and it is not your business, and you cannot control him, and you cannot snap him out of being pathetic, and you cannot pursue him. so all you can do is distract yourself with things like the computer, or your mom, or the swing, or me!!!

having said that, I actualy drove by my H's aunt's home at 3AM after work in hopes for the miracle that he had somehow came to his senses and stopped sleeping at his OW' place. No car. Stupid dream anyways. What does it prove when we see it with our own eyes? The snooping is just more pain.

[nephartiti]

Yes, the snooping is more pain, but it is also a reminder of reality. Sometimes, the evidence in inconclusive which leads to speculation, which also leads to more pain. However, some of my snooping has led to concrete evidence that has actually given me some relief. I knew he was cheating on me, but he denied it so vigilantly that I thought I was really crazy. I was making it all up. I was so insecure and controlling. I almost committed myself. Now I know I'm not crazy! I'm an LBS with a WAS! If I hadn't snooped, I might be committed and believing my H left me b/c I was crazy.

On the other hand, If I had armed myself with DR sooner, maybe I could have turned things around during the several weeks he was confused and didn't "know" if he loved me anymore.

Who knows.

[nephartiti]

OK, I missed my window of opportunity for the stake out. I guess I'm kind of proud of myself for coming to my senses before I even left the house. Part of me wishes I had gone. I guess that's my obsession. What a twisted little love triangle I find myself in.

I wonder if OW pressures him to stay with her all the time or if he just does it. If she's pressuring him, I know it's just a matter of time til he says enough is enough. I hope it's only a matter of time. If he really wants to be there, I can only hope she gets annoyed with him breathing down her neck all the time.

Of course there is a third possibility that makes me shiver. They are madly in love and neither can get enough of the other. He misses his kids, but not as much as he will miss her. So she wins. Right now she wins. Every day she wins. This is selfish, but I hope her luck changes soon.

Morgan's right. This full moon has got us all missing our H's too much to be comfortable.

I'm going to go shower and try to stay busy today. H is supposed to come see the kids tomorrow. I have to get myself together before then. It wouldn't be a bad idea to have the house looking fab too. That's where I'll put my nervous energy today.

[nephartiti]

I decided to test the waters and let S2 call H. It took him about a half hour to call back, but he did. I gave the phone right to S2. Then H asked to talk to ME

He told me his dad's dog passed away. He talked a long time about details. I listened and asked how everyone was doing. Then I asked when he found out. Two days ago. Was he looking for an excuse to talk? I hope so.

Then we talked about kids again. He is coming 7:30-8 AM tomorrow (after he drops OW off. barf BUT he is not staying for her first period conference:) ) Then I mentioned that D has grown out of her cloth diapers and asked if nephew could use them. Also mentioned I needed to order D some in her size. He said not to hesitate. He said if the kids need ANYTHING to let him know. He made a point of saying thast this includes S9! Do I believe my ears? "He is your son and my son's brother..." His voice started failing so he stopped. More tears, but he checked it right away. I told him mornings are pretty flexible here, so if he was in the area and just wanted to stop by for even a few minutes to say hi, he is welcome. I told him just to call to see if we were around. He said thank you very much.

I told H I was having trouble sending one of the videos of S2 to his MSN acct. He gave me the password and info to his AOL acct and told me to try and send it there. He said he wasn't sure of the acct info b/c he hardly uses it. He asked me to let him know when I figured it out do he can access it. That's a big act of trust, I think.

Anyway, cell phone cut off at 17 minutes as I was letting him go. Not bad. Not bad at all. I just have to keep my cool. I'm going out while he's here tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed everyone (a little prayer wouldn't hurt either).

[SallyM]

good for you for not going on the stake out. I do wonder about that moon. say what you will, things always seem to happen when its full.

very very sweet about what he said about your S9. very sweet. that said, tread cautiously...a few people here have mentioned that guilt makes the WAS very generous, for a while, then eventually it goes comletely in the other direction. just try not to read too much into it.

good luck!

[mkultra]

Oh yeah, remember we are in Stage 3 and Stage 4 is Seeking Approval? Morgan is right. But it is also good to reward any good goals achieved like good communication. Light talks. Rebuilding trust. Fun and safe family home, etc. Correct me if I am wrong but what is your basis for evidence of an affair? I know you mentioned H is living with an OW and her boyfriend and he claims they are just friends. Has he admitted to EA or PA or did you discover that somehow? I feel like I missed something. It does sound like an affair I just am not sure how you actually found out. I was never truly positive until he actually admitted he "cheated".