Thanks for your thoughtful post. I do realize that communication is a big problem for us. I avoid saying how I truly feel because I'm afraid of her reaction and she has a massive wall of defensiveness built up around her as a result of her FOO. As an example, a convo we had some time ago ...
Me: let's go to X together for a mini-vacation Her: No, I have too much to do Me: We need to make time for each other and for the M, having fun together is essential IMO Her: I can't have fun when there are things to do, besides your idea of fun and mine are different Me (getting irritated, another one of my flaws): Yeah, my idea of fun has to do with US and your idea of fun has to do with YOU
Which led into a discussion of how I feel she is selfish wrt to me (obviously she is not intrinsically selfish as she has 3 kids). Again, I am slightly irritated at this point.
Me: Consider this, for you I have taken a job that is near your parents, bought a house that is near your parents, agreed to spend a lot of money to get LASIK surgery, spent most of the rest on improvements for our home (many of which are things YOU wanted to do), bought you a surprise trip to go see your favorite chef do a live cooking show. I have done things for you, not to obligate you to me, but because I love you and want to help you be happy with your life. What I don't understand is why you can't show me the same consideration? Her (getting close to tears): Well, there is nothing I can do about the job, surgery and house, but we can cancel the trip to see the chef if you want.
I'm sure those convos could be dissected meticulously to show all the errors I made and if someone wants to do so, feel free. I am aware of several (claiming no obligation while acting entitled, etc.) But you can see with the last convo how she completely misinterpreted what I was getting at. I was trying to say that IMO a big part of marriage is doing things for each other and she heard that I was resentful of doing things for her. Unfortunately her misinterpretations usually throw me off and I end up a loss for words and how to proceed in that moment, so the convos are usually unproductive. In the above convo, my mind started dwelling on the possibility that she would prefer that we do NOTHING for each other and just be roomates raising kids. That is why I bemoan my inability to be unflappable in convos. I think if I could truly get there, we could work through her misinterpretations and my misstatements.
Right now, I am just feeling incapable of making myself heard, because of worry that not only will I say things in a way that can be misinterpreted, but that she will misinterpret in ways that set us back rather than move us forward. Combine that with the angry (i.e. already emotional) state I am in, and convos just don't seem to be a good idea. So I am stuck.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
