Get me on a smoother ride....need advice - part 3

[SueS]

Thanks Everyone

Well, the water works started tonight on my way from work to daycare to get D3. I just sobbed. I hid my face so no one in traffic could see me. I know the ladies at daycare wondered when I walked in and my nose & eyes were all red. D3 is in her room watching a movie, so the tears are flowing again.

Talked to H for a brief second this afternoon. He just told me that the table/chairs I put up were nice and then he had to go....busy. I don't plan on calling him tonight. I don't want to do that to D3, but damn it, he can call us too. It's slow for him after 7:00 pm, so he can call.

My emotions are all over the place. I couldn't concentrate one bit at work today.....or for the past few days. I'm half tempted to go in and talk to my boss to tell him that I'm having issues at home. I have 2 bosses. One I could tell, the other I wouldn't want to, as he's having his own A. I want it to be the weekend so bad, but then again, the weekend means leaving and not seeing H or knowing what he's doing. Makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want my parents to know, but I just know that I'm going to break at some point at their house. I'd love to tell H.....okay, I'm leaving for the weekend but when I get back we're working on this. I know that wouldn't fly though.

Has anyone's spouse NOT talked to them? I've confronted H twice and I know he's angry right now, but I want him to talk to me....just at some point. I'm angry and sad and hurt and .....etc. I just want some damn normalcy in my life.....just for once! It's been two really tough years with us working different schedules, financial problems, my dad being ill.....but it was getting better....it really was.

Why is my H willing to share so much with me, communicate, have fun with me, be intimate with me, work as a team with me......but yet have an A? What am I doing wrong???

Well, I told my D3 that I'd get dinner ready and clean up the house tonight so we could go to the park tomorrow after work.

I'll check in later.

SueS

[Yoyowife]

Sue,
I'm so sorry. I too don't understand how they can basically string two people along. I went through it too. You wonder am I drawing him closer or is he just cake eating. Hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. I just wanted let you know that I understand and feel your intense pain. Tears certainly flow freely during all of this, don't they? I know it won't make you feel any better, but do know you will get stronger.

Hugs, Yoyo

[LL44]

Yoyo is exactly right. The hardest thing for me right now is that I have come to the realization that H is actually trying to figure out whether I am worth it or not.

"You wonder am I drawing him closer or is he just cake eating." THIS IS ME THIS WEEK!

The tears will come and go, yes ma'am. Just let 'em happen.

[Yoyowife]

Tears cleanse the soul.

[runningoutoftime]

Working different schedules? That's a recipe for an affair. My husband's first affair occurred when we were doing that. It was after the birth of our second child (10 years ago). I personally don't see it as a valid excuse for an affair (affairs can happen in good marriages too), but I think it can draw couples apart and make them a little easier to fall into.

My guess in your situation is maybe your husband's affair is a combination MLC (since he's at that age), lack of interaction with you due to work schedules and also the demands of a young child. My guess is he does believe he still loves you too, but maybe feels a loss of connection and OW and him formed one based on sharing mutual marital "problems." I'm kind of suprised he has told you as much as he did, but I think maybe it's because he still considers it "friendship," even though it's clearly hitting against and passing that boundry with the pet names (and the secrecy... that's fuel for an affair).

I think your best bet is to be a great listener and try to spend as much friendship time with him as possible. Maybe you can start up some walks. I think he needs an ear and to feel someone is listening to him. That's my guess. Ooops! Gotta run my son has a class right now!!!

[hillarylynn]

Sue, I am in something of a similar sitch... I know how hard it is when you just feel so sad, and just want ot feel like SOMETHING, ANYTHING is normal and OK.
what do you do for you? Do you have any hobbies, interests? Can you go with a friend for a pedicure, even? I have a couple of hobbies and lots of interests, but getting off my rear and engaging in them is so hard right now, I know. You just have to. Ask your friends for support. It is more of an honor to give it than to get it; so don't be afraid to ask!

Remember to "act as if". Have you read Michele's book where this is described? How about the 180 plan? And, I am often SO hard on myself when I screw up. don't be. you will on occasion, and that's all right- even when taling to your H, if you bring up something you feel you shouldn't have, or begin to over react. See if you can reign it in and apologize (not for feeling how you feel or saying what you said) but simply apologize for going to a place you didn't mean to go. I have even said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I really didn't want to bring that up. Just forget it." Try it. It is pretty powerful. I have found doing this will sometimes draw more conversation/info out of the recalcitrant H. At the very least it diffuses the current thread, and you will feel better. Remember that each time you feel better, you are reminding every cell in your body how that feels, and it will get easier!

You can only be human, and you wll falter, but the more you take care of yourself and your kids, the better you will feel. This will build on itself.
Be gentle and kind with yourself.

[SallyM]

(((HUGS))) Sue, I'm so sorry you are hurting. I agree about reading/re-reading DR/DB...it can help. or at least can help give you a game plan, which can help with the hurt.

[SueS]

Good morning-

H did call us last night from work. He talked to me for a few minutes and then talked to D3. I heard him ask to talk to me again before he got off the phone with D3. He told me that his boss was taking them out for a few drinks and that it wouldn't be late. He gets off at 9:00 and he didn't get home until 1:00 am. I woke up just before he got home. I wanted to get up when he got home, but wasn't sure if I should push it. I don't know whether to believe that he was really out with his boss or not. It makes me feel like he's avoiding me. I just hope I didn't push him closer to her.

Our refrigerator went out sometime during the night/early morning. I went to get D3 breakfast and it was dead. Went in and asked H to come & look at it. He didn't get up, so I called our landlord (we're just renting). He's going to look for a new one this morning. H said he'd make lunches this morning. I thanked him for that. I leaned over him, told him I'd see him later. No reaction from him, so I just grabbed my things and left. I just want to grab him and shake him and tell him to snap out of it......I'm here, I'm your wife damn it!! I'm the one that has loved you NO MATTER WHAT, through EVERYTHING!

Sorry for the rant!! The landlord called back asking if I'd call H (I was at work by this time) and have him measure the area. Called H and told him what the landlord needed. He said.....Oh, it's too bad that this has to be done now. The guy I talked to about remodeling the kitchen if we buy this place said we should get a bigger fridge. So, H is still thinking about US....about US buying a home....about US having a future. I think Running was right when she said that he probably does still love me, and possibly in some twisted way sees their deal as a "friendship".....although it's crossed some boundry. The thing about the whole A and our schedules being a receipe for it is this.......My H ALWAYS talked about his friend Cheryl from work. He NEVER talked about OW until one day he told me that he and a buddy were taking OW's H out golfing because according to OW, her H never gets out. I thought it was so nice of my H. He even suggested us all becoming friends because of our common interests. We were at OW's house this summer and she even said....Yeah, you're good friend Cheryl. I'd not met her yet, so SHE was the one I was opening my eyes & ears to hear something about....not the actual OW. I finally met Cheryl and she was a wonderful, older lady.....nice as could be. I guess I should have had my eyes & ears open for EVERYONE that could have come into my H's life. Boy do I regret that.

I want to ask my h not to go workout tonight.....just to stay home....watch a movie with me or something. D3 and I are leaving tomorrow to go see my parents. Happy about that, but not happy at the same time.

I started to cry this morning when I left for work. I guess I hadn't gotten the reaction from H that I wanted and D3 noticed it. She asked why I was sad. I just said I was tired. She said.....Okay mommy, you be sad at work, but be happy when you come and pick me up from school. She's so sweet. I didn't want her to see that.

Well, I need to get working.

Have a good day.

SueS

[Yoyowife]

Sue,
At this point nothing they do is easy to understand. It's hard not to make assumptions. I'm the queeen of assumptions, but we must fight hard to stop doing that. Unfortunately, if he wasn't out with his boss, there's not a thing you can do about it, so try not to dwell on it. You just keep being the wonderful person you are.

My suggestion is to maybe run by the video store and rent a couple and say to him when you're eating dinner "I rented so and so, I've heard it is really good." He will know that he is invited, but you aren't coaxing him into spending time with you.

Sue, I hurt for you. I know how painful it is.

[SueS]

Yoyo-

Thanks so much. I guess I just feel like I'm in that place everyone calls Limoland. I was here once before 6 years ago and I swore to myself that I would never let it happen again.....but here I am.

He won't be home from work until 9:30 tonight, so I don't think I'll be able to do the couple movies with him and mention it over dinner. Great suggestion if it were Friday night. However, D3 and I are going out of town tomorrow.

I guess it's harder with this week's confrontation than it was with last week's because I found actual evidence of more of a connection than just the phone calls and he told me more than he did last week. Now it's becoming more of a reality to me than it ever was before. Like being hit in the stomach with a huge fist.

My mom said in an email today that my sister wants to take me out Friday night so I can just relax and forget about things for a while. I have a feeling that my mom knows more now than I wanted her to know. I know if my sister told her something she was just doing it out of concern, but I really didn't want mom to know.

Well, I seriously need to get back to work. Hard to concentrate these days. I'm an Assistant to 4 people too, so it's not like I can shut a door or keep to myself . Maybe that's a good thing though!

SueS