Here's my situation in brief. I'm extremely lost because every book I pick up seems not to be geared towards my situation at all so it very difficult to apply. So let me start with the affair, if you will. My wife met this guy at work and gradually started spending a lot of time with him with or with out other friends with them. Anyways, he said he had feelings for her and kissed her.
The main question in my mind right now is: Should I personally slap you, or should I just have you slap yourself?
OK, sit down for this.
Hold on to something tight because I'm going to yell at you for your own damn good...
YOU ARE TOTALLY MISSING WHAT'S GOING ON!
THIS WOMAN ACTUALLY WANTS YOU, AND YOU'RE SCREWING IT ALL UP BY ACTING LIKE A NEEDY WUSS BAG!
Whew. Let me calm myself. I don't usually get so worked up. That makes two exclamation points in one post so far, and I haven't even started lambasting you proper yet.
OK, I'm calm.
NOW, let's have a little talk here...
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Since then they had several kisses since (3+ mos.). She had been telling me after each occurence but seemingly less and less so. She says she's sorry but alternates between they are "just friends" to she has "strong feelings" for him to she "loves him". I know most cheaters either never tell or only when confronted. She tells me each time they are "romantic" (kissing) but the thing is she tells me she loves me and doesn't want to loose me. I'm so confused since all advice is geared to secretive, lying cheaters.
And just what has been your reaction? She is trying to make you jealous and you are rolling over. Uggg!
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From what I can figure she wants to be completely honest but only admits what she thinks I can "handle".
She wants a STRONG man. You are being a Wuss.
She wants a STRONG reaction. Where is it?
Women don't feel the emotion called ATTRACTION for guys who act weak, needy, insecure and "WUSS-LIKE".
Were you like this when you married? I hope not. How were you then. Be that man again.
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she tells me she loves me and doesn't want to loose me.
She is crying out to you.
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She recently asked if she could go golfing with the OM. How do I answer that? I say no, I seem controlling.
Come close, I have something to say. Closer.
THE ANSWER IS NO!
NO
NO
NO
Control has nothing to do with it. The confident masculine has healthy boundaries. When she steps over those boundaries you let her know that is not acceptable. Period.
Control has nothing to do with it.
A real man has boundaries; a boy hides his eyes.
*NO* is the door to your inner boundary.
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my case isn't "as bad" as others.
It is far worse. She wants you to be a man and you are failing the test. The outcome is in your control.
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but that I'm not going to interfere with her free will.
Her *free will* does not permit her to hurt you. That is not free will - that is aggression. And if you roll over - that is masochism.
IT IS NEVER CORRECT TO LET ANOTHER PERSON HURT YOU.
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It doesn't seem like I should apply extreme measures like LRT or After LRT or ultimatum but she still refuses to stop being "friends" with OM. I don't mean to but I'm seriously loosing all "love" I have for her. Please help.
In your case the LRT or "losing love" are just other words for running away. She is crying out for a strong man, not a little boy.
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I feel more like her priest than husband and need advice that applies to the in-between state that I'm in.
Did she marry a priest? Does she want to be with a priest? Stop acting like one.
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I have wished many times that she hid it and had a full affair just so the multitude of available advice would fit
Only courage will solve your problems, not running away.
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It's more of an EA than PA but we're not separated, she's still affectionate, still says she loves me
There is still so much hope.
So what's the answer?
The answer is to NEVER BE THOUGHT OF AS A WUSSY AGAIN!
If you want to make your M a whole lot better and easier, then stop and think about your behavior... and resolve right now to stop acting like a WUSS for the rest of your life.
Being "nice" and "accommodating" and "understanding" is great for friendships and social relationships, but it's HORRIBLE for ATTRACTION.
An interesting, attractive woman doesn't want a guy that she can push around. She doesn't want a guy who does what she wants him to do. She doesn't want a little boy that she can train and raise.
Go to the store and buy 'Hold on to your NUTs' by Wayne Levine. Another great book is 'The Way of the Superior Man' by David Deida.
You can save your marriage but you have a lot of work to do.
