It's good to be back home. I haven't posted since I got back because, to be honest, I'm not sure what to say. I'm in a weird place.
I was gone for a week, and I spent very little time thinking about H during that time. Once I thought, yeah, I could totally do this---be on my own with the kids, doing our thing, living life. I wondered whether it was just because H wasn't around.
When I walked in the house, it looked like no one had been there since we left---no dishes had been washed or left in the sink, no food gone, nothing, and my stomach went into knots. Turned my brain right away from that train of thought.
Now that I'm back, I've found that I just wish he were gone. Little things are bugging me---not putting food away, whatever---and I just feel like he's in my space, in a sense.
On the trip home, our plane was delayed for hours. I texted H to let him know (he was picking us up) and he sent message after message saying, "Buy the kids dinner! Get them some games! Buy a DVD player! Money's no object! Hang in there!" (those aren't quotes) and I kept responding with, "We're fine, just hanging out, no worries." He was trying to be supportive, I guess, but I felt like, good god, man, relax.
Hey, here's a potential insight: One of the things H didn't like about me was that in crisis, I freaked out. (This is based on two crises: leaving grad school and going into depression and having our first child and going into depression.) He's constantly watching me to see if I'll lose it, maybe trying to smooth the way, but always anxious that I'll flip out. I certainly haven't flipped out over our M crisis, which is good, but clearly if he's concerned I'll flip out over a delayed plane, he's still unconvinced.
Tonight's my night to go out, and I'm at a cafe by myself. I didn't want to go out. H could've gone out, but I would've liked to be able just to relax at home, something I can't easily do when he's around.
When we're having frequent R conversations, things feel much more relaxed between us (an anomaly on this board, I know). After a week of being away, we're back to awkward. I felt most comfortable when we were all-or-nothing: when I was practically ignoring him and going about my business or when we were together. This tightrope walk, balancing having R talks with GALing and working on PMA is proving really tough for me.
So I'm thinking about a few things right now: how can I get over the awkwardness and feel comfortable in my own home? How can I improve the tightrope-walking skills mentioned above?
And about what I'd been thinking about before---getting in touch with my sadness and sharing a bit of that with him---I'm completely unmotivated right now, just don't feel like making the effort, I think. I was reading Heim's thread today, where he had written how deeply he loves his W, and I thought, do I even care about H that much? Is it possible that I am so emotionally lazy or afraid that no one---at least not H---is worth the work to me? I'm just not feeling deeply in love right now.
Hey Nomo! Good to hear from you. Stop in anytime---I value your thoughts.
Hey ST!
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But afterwards, don't continue to be down, pull yourself up and try to get that pma back up.
I totally agree with this. Like I said, right now I'm less interested, but if I do decide to do this, I'll definitely have to get right back up. I'm just really wary of burying my feelings, which is my usual MO.
Hey CVA! How's it going, my alpha friend?
Hey Heim! I'm glad to hear from you. I know you're in a rough patch right now, and I'm confident you'll claw your way out.
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Is there any way to logically explain your emotions to him so that he sees change as possible? I mean, explain yourself in logical terms (be Spock).
Could you give me an example? Like, how would you say "I feel hurt that your desire for a 'natural connection' beats out all the positives in our R" in Spock? (Not that I'm thinking of saying that, people.)
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It seems like his A was driven by emotion, not physical intimacy, maybe he was looking for that emotional connection he wasn't getting from you?
I think this is it exactly, though he'd deny it, I assume (because the demise of our R had nothing to do with anything I did, remember?). Which brings us back to the emotional thing, which I'm lacking the motivation for, at the moment. I'll probably get it back, though, so this bears thinking about still. And while I can't make him feel emotional connection to me, if he is going to feel it, it's going to take some reaching out on my part. Damn.
Weird place, indeed. I'm just wondering how much I care, I think.
Looking forward to all input, as usual. Take care, everyone.
