Here we go 'round in circles...

[SDFoundGirl]

SDFGirl,
I'm not sure how much your
H's failure to connect with you physically is his unwillingness to try or he doesn't know what to do, and needs guidance. Is he able to connect with you in nonsexual ways? How is your platonic R?
CL

CL:

This is not about lovemaking, it's about the physical interaction outside of lovemaking. It's like I'm not kissed, hugged, or touched UNLESS he's initiating sex.

We women just don't work like that. Touch and verbal affirmations are my primary love languages, so it's like I'm just a piece of @ss the way I feel. My love tank is on empty.

I was actually thinking about the ways H *does* show me love, and it's almost exclusively acts of service and quality time. Not what I've asked for...but effort anyway. I think I'm going to have to thank him for those things.

Anyway, the sex is good, no complaints there. It's just if I don't feel emotionally connected, I want to part of it. My body shuts down and I kind of feel like punching him.

SD

[SDFoundGirl]

The good news is, you can approach the bombing from a more caring and sensitive position than an alien-possessed MLC whack job. You can bomb with the honest intention of hoping it wakes H up and shows him it's time to get some skin in the game. And you can even point the way if he's willing to start down the road to growth and a better relationship.

I really hope he steps up to the plate. (If he doesn't, well, that man is a d@mned fool. You are one in a million.)

D@mn straight! I don't worry about what would happen IF anymore...I know my prospects are great. I am freaking fantastic.

So yes, I totally dropped the bomb on his booty. He turned white...was speechless...got kinda small. I let it sink in, and when he tried to initiate other conversation, I returned to Acting As If. I don't have to be angry with him. Either he'll try or he won't; ultimately it's his choice, not mine. Same with the whore. I like staying in my own sphere of responsibility. I've communicated my needs and expectations...now it's his turn to make a decision.

Meanwhile I am living happy, happy life. S'all good.

Thanks for your thoughts on the matter. You've pretty much articulated what's been floating around in my brain in spastic bits and pieces!

SD

[SDFoundGirl]

Hi Jen!

I remember you having that direct conversation with your H back then...I think I sort of channeled your example when I did it with my H. Hopefully we'll reach the same result....

SD

[Jeff223]

Hey girl,
Still following along.

Sooo many things I can say but I am just going to wait and see.

I will comment on this:

I am freaking fantastic.

Yes you are.

I will keep reading.

[NikB]

Wow do you sound wonderful!! I am so impressed with how you're handling yourself through all of this. I hope your H steps up - if not I think he's crazy but guess we already knew that was a possibility . Great job keeping your emotions in check as you work through all of this.

Has any of his behavior changed since you talked to him?

[SDFoundGirl]

Thanks Jeff. I'd love to hear what you had to say...but I trust you'll step in if you think I've gone nutso.

Nikki...ahh...well, H's work has intensified like nobody's business. He's trying. Weakly, but probably as good as he really can right now.

I've decided one thing I really need to do in order to be fair is look for the ways H *is* expressing his love. He is a big acts of service guy...and he's doing that in abundance. I don't quite know how to get him to understand that while I appreciate those things, they don't fill my love tank at all. I'm glad he cleans the kitty litter and picks dinner up; unfortunately, I'd be happier with a box full of cat turds and eat rice cakes if he'd snuggle up and say ILY more often.

I don't think it's meanness. I think it's a lack of understanding. I'm speaking HIS language, so he thinks all is well...so, well, just bleh.

Life is good though. I'm busy as hell and loving every minute with my students. I've been pushing my teaching boundaries and, I think, am really the best I've ever been at my job with no increased workload. Good stuff!

SD

[Rob1231]

SD, I'm glad you can give him credit for trying, even if he's off-target - the fact that he IS trying is what's important. That's where it needs to start.

Remember how overwhelmed and scared we all felt back at the beginning of our sitch's. Remember baby steps, time, and patience - you know, the same old sh!t...

[SDFoundGirl]

Yes...I'm trying to be patient and compassionate. Right now though...grrr.

He has to work late to finish a project for the retreat...offered to pick him up dinner, he said that sounded like, "a lot of work." Well, F*CK, I wouldn't have offered if I didn't mean it. He's such a f*cking martyr sometimes...makes me think he ought to hide out around Easter....

Anyway, I'm going to deliver dinner to him though apparently it's such a ginormous, horrid chore for me to complete. THIS is why I'm not a pleaser. All the you shouldn'ts and it's too muches and I'll just suffer here in my personal prisons. How about a thank you, yes.

Blah. Makes me think living on my own and taking on a lover I kept at arm's length would be less complicated.....

SD

[Jen_Jam]

SD - I like to do people favours (I suppose I am a bit of a pleaser) - both H and my friends.

When they say "no, it's OK" I feel hurt. I explained to H that when I offer him a favour (like pick him up from when he's workign late) that if he turns it down I feel hurt. I feel like I am being pushed away. I also explained that I had chosen to offer him the favour. He would turn it down thinking he was being loving. I explained that him turning it down as well felt like him deciding my actions, so in a funny way it felt like control over me.

But the main upshot of that my H thought he was being loving by saying "no, no it's OK, don't pick me up, just stay home" when in fact it was having the OPPOSITE effect of what he wanted. Now he accepts all favours (and even asks for some!!!!) AOS is one of my big LL's.

Does that make any sense? I remeber you saying your H sounded a lot like mine, and I agree (especially the fact he can never remember anything!). Maybe REALLY SPELLING IT ALL OUT might be the key. And not giving him too much to deal with at once, sticking to 2 0r 3 points and recycling to reinforce thouse (you're a teacher, you will likely know what I mean)

[Rob1231]

He has to work late to finish a project for the retreat...offered to pick him up dinner, he said that sounded like, "a lot of work." Well, F*CK, I wouldn't have offered if I didn't mean it. He's such a f*cking martyr sometimes...makes me think he ought to hide out around Easter....

I started to say something like After being bombed he could be scared of you and scared to "ask too much and push his luck". But then, I realized I was playing the Old Second Guess What The Other Person Is Thinking Game, and that just never is worthwhile. And it occurred to me... you're doing a little of that too, aren't you?

Anyway, I'm going to deliver dinner to him though apparently it's such a ginormous, horrid chore for me to complete. THIS is why I'm not a pleaser. All the you shouldn'ts and it's too muches and I'll just suffer here in my personal prisons. How about a thank you, yes.

Good plan, just go ahead and do it - it's a nice gesture.

Seriously, hon, it seems to me like you are blowing this up way out of proportion. And a lot of it goes back to expectations - you made a nice offer, and he didn't respond as you expected. So, ease up the expectations and just keep doin' what you feel is right for you, otay?